AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

You don’t even need to justify it by not knowing what it is for. YANBU to give full stop.
He hasn’t even confirmed when he will be back to pay it back.

Don’t get involved and don’t feel guilty.

This. Not a chance would I lend him the money. As someone said upthread, I’d rather be down a friend but have lost no money than down a friend and £4k!

Absolutely not unreasonable, unless you can afford to lose the £4k as others have said.

If lending money to friends or family, only give what you can afford to not get back. Also consider whether there are any behaviours, things they could use it for etc that would make you reconsider the friendship.

£4k is a lot of money, and particularly as he isn't being open and honest about what its for. Could they have got in any dangerous debt, gambling, pay day loans or something? Is there a danger of doing something desperate if they can't get it?

Very wise words, mate!

Just no and don't ask again.
If you do you may get a couple of repayments the excuses,the car,a boiler problem,appliance problem.
Guaranteed you'd get stiffed.

Could they have got in any dangerous debt, gambling, pay day loans or something? Is there a danger of doing something desperate if they can't get it?

It surely must be this, which is also why OP shouldn’t get involved even if she can afford it.

I think it’s OK to ask a friend to lend money, but disrespectful not to say why. Sorry to say but if he valued the friendship he would explain why he needed the money and wouldn’t ask you twice after you declined the first time. He’ll probably cut you off or slow fade you.

Nah fuck that, £4k is too much

I’d give a friend like £50-100 max because that will cover true emergency costs/essentials. At least with that, you know they’ll be able to do a food shop and survive and then they can attempt to tackle the rest themselves with their basic needs met. Plus, I’d just write off £50-100, no need for that to be paid back to me, because I can afford to live without that.

but with lending £4k, you’re paying like 1-2 month’s worth of their bills, debt etc. that’s too much for a friend. Plus if they don’t repay, it will sting. People who need to borrow money aren’t in the stable position to smoothly repay after all.

personally when I was in a shitty situation of sudden job loss after I raised a grievance, and left unable to pay bills, I was still able to get a £10k loan from my bank. So I’m speaking here from experience of having lost a job, but also experience from otherwise having stable income at a high level. I still wouldn’t lend a friend £4k.

Have you got any mutual friends you can ask if he's come to them with his hands out? How long have you known them?

Obviously you say no, I wouldn't respond to the text at all, you've already given your answer.

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag

I wouldn't care what it was for, I wouldn't be lending him the money.
If official lenders won't lend to him there's a reason for that. It means they think he won't be able to pay it back so he wouldn't be able to pay you back either.

I wouldn't be giving him the money either as some other posters have suggested (not a loan but a gift), even if you are loaded. You don't know what it's for, could be for gambling, drugs etc. He hasn't said what it's for so it's probably something a bit dodgy.

So, no, no loan and no gift.

Don't even entertain it. I wouldn't even take it seriously. Don't be empathetic in any way- what a cheek to ask for so much money! I'd go with a "Ha ha - no way, mate. Did you try Only Fans?"

As I understand it the friend wants the OP to borrow the money from elsewhere for them. The OP doesn't have the £4k at the moment. So that's a definite no as the OP would be left with the debt if it isn't paid back.

It's possible she meant lend not borrow which would be different but still a big no from me.

I'm surprised you even need to ask, no way!

No.

"You wont tell me what its for, so definitely no. If you tell me what its for, it still may be no"

Hell no. I wouldn't even consider lending money to my partner or or a close family member without them being honest about what it is for.

How would knowing the reason change the situation?

I'd be afraid the friend will just try to guess some reason you might be willing to accept and lie now to get the money from you.

I need £4k or I am being evicted tomorrow

or

I need £4k to play texas hold em

1 - I would consider
2 - not a chance mate

he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc

So organisations who professionally lend people money and have systems in place to rationally assess ability to repay, recover bad debts and spread the risk of non payment across a number of borrowers have deemed that he is unable to repay borrowed money so won't lend. It's also likely that his family and any closer friends have said no, and he's now moved to you on his list of potential suckers to tap up.

Unless you can happily give away £4k because he's run out of his own money and wants to start spending yours, just say no. Doesn't matter if you have savings, they're yours not his.

Plus if he's in debt, while he might think that borrowing money from you will help him, it could well be that all it is doing is kicking a bad debt can down the road instead of dealing with it properly.

Never lend what you can't afford to lose, regardless of the reason for the loan. That's the advice I'd give anyone.

Just don't. It doesn't matter what it's for. If he's got "cash flow problems" you will not get it back. Unless you've got millions in the bank and don't care if you see it again.

I wouldn't care what it was for I just wouldn't give it. As I couldn't afford to lose it. In fact I don't and never have had 4k knocking about waiting to be borrowed. But even if I did I'd be wary.

So yeah tell her you can't afford it and even if you did give it, it could damage your friendship if she struggled to repay it.

If he was a very good, long standing friend, had never asked before, and I could easily afford to lose £4k, I might. I don't think he necessarily needs to tell you what it's for. Does it matter? Would one reason be more valid than another?

I would be worried about him though, and hope that if he could ask me for that amount of money, he'd trust me enough to let me try and help with the underlying problem.

Unless it's small change to you, absolutely don't do it.

No, friends dont borrow from each other regardless of the reason. It destroys the friendship. I lost friendship with someone I lent £400 to. It destroyed the friendship. You wont see this "friend" again for dust either way once he realises you are serious.
He will be offended if you expect him to repay it .
And he will be offended if you dont give it.
He might carry on trying to " butter you up " to get you to agree to "lend" him the money and he will promise the world while he's trying to get it out of you.
"No, Im sorry I cant. " might just maintain the friendship but the amount hes asked for has already turned him from a 'friend' into a con artist.

Not a chance, unless as others said I would be ok with never seeing the money or the friend again. And even then, it would only be once I felt I had the truth about what it was for.

Alluding to it being to do with the children screams liar, and manipulator. If it really was, he'd tell you.

My money (excuse the pun) is he has a gambling habit that's not in his control anymore.