AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for

There was a thread a while back from a childfree OP whose male friend just couldn’t understand she wouldn’t want to fund his kids private school fees.

It was astonishing. Wish I could find it for you but it was a couple of years ago at least.

WTF!

Who has the nerve to ask for such a large amount from someone he hasn't seen for nearly 2 years and isn't a really close friend???

He must have tried family and close friends before getting down to you!

I'd bet my house that if you lent it you'd never get a penny back nor would you hear from him again.

Don't be such a fool OP

"Don't be such a fool"? Have you read the actual thread title, where she asks if she's being U to "refuse"?

He's asking you to trust him with 4k, but won't trust you enough to tell you what it's for?

A firm nope.

This!

Theres a reason its secret, a reason the bank said no, a reason hes desperate.

And if you give it you might lose it and your friendship

I wouldnt gamble that much money on a friend who couldnt or wouldnt at least confide in me about why he was asking. He wants your money, you arent even getting his honesty

I wouldn't loan it no matter what. You may never see it again, so many times people make that mistake and then lost money and a friend. If they can't take no for an answer, it's not a friend.

No
No way.
If he asks again I would be inclined to block him.

Leant money is spent money.
Regardless of whether you feel the need to approve the purpose of the loan or not, can you afford to a) lose a friend over this and b) not ever see the money again.
If you answer no to either of these questions then you just say you're sorry, you can't afford to loan him anything.

Op stick to your guns on this there has been plenty of posts on here about borrowing and they didn’t end well he is basically harassing you because he thinks your weak and will cave. If he rings again just send him a message saying no I haven’t got it and I don’t think you should keep ringing me I’m not going to change my mind.

Don’t do it. He’s rude to keep pestering you. I would reply one last time ‘I said no, please stop asking’

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. I had already said 'no' prior to writing this thread - which I said in the OP. I said 'no' again after that too. He called me 3 times yesterday, but nothing today - which is a relief. Suspect he has moved on.

Bloody hell, he's desperate isn't he despite your repeated refusals? Doesn't sound good for him. Still not your problem though.

Onto the next unwilling person no doubt.

If he asks again I would block. It's harassment.

It’s dangerous to mix friendship and money. That’s a form of words one can use to get out of it. ‘I never lend money to friends. It’s too messy and ruins friendships.’

My (former) husband’s mantra was never lend, just give it. Lending builds in weird dynamics. And he was right. If the money is trivial to you, give it. But dont ‘lend’ it.

And if they are adult children, could quite possibly drugs be drug related. I knew someone who was always in trouble with drug debt. His DF kept bailing him out. In excess of £10K last time I heard.

I'd have blocked him already. He's really, really not a friend, he's just a user that you happened to know. Nobody needs a leech in their life.

Deleted repeated post

That's not relevant as I am sure you have your own expenses. Just because you don't have children, doesn't necessarily mean you are rolling in money. Never a borrower or lender be.

Just tell him know . Also tell him not to ask you again! Thats far too much money to loan a "freind"

People tend to exhaust other options, such as banks, family and very close friends, before asking less close friends so he probably owes money elsewhere and can't pay it back.

He's probably asking lots of people, but you're right, if the bank won't give him any (more?) money then there's no reason to think he can afford to repay it. Also given your recent update, it'd be very easy for him to disappear out of your life if he didn't plan on repaying you. There's something about him asking you, someone he doesn't see in person from one year to the next, that suggests he's already borrowed from family and other friends. You've probably done the best thing for him by saying no, rather than becoming another line in his notebook of "people I owe".

On the other hand, if he hasn't already exhausted other lenders like the bank etc, it could be that either the people close to him know what the money's for and don't approve, therefore aren't helping, or that he simply feels more deserving of your money than you are. "She's probably rolling in it and won't miss it".

If I'm honest I wouldn't lend this "friend" £4,000 even if I knew exactly what it is for. Who has cashflow issues in relation to their kids?- sounds all kinds of wrong.

If he’s in trouble there are organisations he can turn to for help. But the fact he won’t even tell you why he needs the money is strange.

Absolutely don't lend him the money. Guaranteed you'll never see it again

My other half is good at saving and earns a decent salary and has been asked for (& lent) sums of £500-£10k over the last 10 or so years and it's NEVER gone smoothly (although she's always got it back eventually), don't do it.