AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

That's not always true. My friend borrowed £200 from me for her wedding dress deposit as she didn't have it until she got paid. She paid me back as soon as she got paid.

Nope. He needs to get a credit card

I agree with this. I was about to complete on my property but didn't realise I had to pay SDLT at that time so (almost) borrowed it from a mate. The fact he won't say what it's for is dodgy.

I wouldnt give 4k to someone I knew and liked and who told me what it was for.

If you give him that.money be prepared to never see it or him again. Your friendship will be over.

If no bank will give him that cash there is a good reason!

No way would I lend/give someone that much money without at least knowing what it was for. The overly vague indication that is for his children is probably just to make you feel guilty and more likely to give him the money.

My guess is that it relates to gambling. Obviously if he has gambled away his mortgage/rent payments the children are affected, but it also makes him an even more unreliable person to lend money to, and manipulative to boot given he is implying it is for his children rather than to cover his irresponsibility.

Not a chance - the fact he won't say what it is, but is attempting to imply its kid related, as if that justifies it... major red flags.

He will probably come back with some fictional reason now he thinks that is why you're refusing - stand firm, it will be a lie and you will not see this money again.

Just tell him you have not got it end of.

No way, never. He sounds dodgy as hell.

Don’t do it. That’s a huge amount of money, plus he’s refusing to tell you what it’s for. Plus he can’t get a bank loan, plus he’s not said how he’s going to pay it back.

Don’t feel guilty at refusing the request. Your money isn’t his to spend.

If he can't borrow £4k from the bank there's a reason ... do not lend him money.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Hamlet. Act 1, Scene 3.

Spoke a lot of sense that Shakespeare!

I would never lend anyone ANY amount of money. If I could afford to lose it, and was happy to lose it, I would give it to them, but lend? No. And not £4K. (I can afford to 'lose' £4K, but I'm not happy to, so no, I would not be lending/giving it to anyone.)

My DC are exempt from this. I would give them my last breath.

@rainershine22 Unless you can afford to give your mate this money, then say no. Just say 'it's tied up in something.'

If you cannot afford to give the money, the answer needs to be no.

If you want to lose both the money and the friendship, do it.

A real friend, wouldn’t ask without a very good explanation, & hopefully a repayment plan.
I don’t believe it’s for the children.
Please don’t give him anything.

True. But I think there is a big difference between £200 and £4k... And it is entirely possible someone may have a small cashflow problem that can be easily fixed.

It’s gambling or coke.

The urgency, the vague implication that it’s something to do with his children, the fact a bank won’t lend him the money, he can’t get a credit card, a loan from his employer, no family to ask instead of you, the asking again/pressure after you’ve already said no, all huge red flags.

I’d put money (haha) on the fact that he needs more than 4K, and you’re not the only person he’s asked

4K is a huge amount to ask - seems really cheeky. Why not just go to the bank?

Definitely just tell him you don’t have the money. Why should you risk losing 4K.

I think the fact he even asked you puts him in a very dubious light. It’s cheeky. “Ne’er a borrower nor a lender be” in my book.

"Neither a borrower, nor a lender be". Your mam & dad said these things for a reason!

I wouldn't borrow it even if I knew what it was for.

OP, just say no. If you lend him anything, you will never see it paid back. Just tell him that you do not have that amount of money and if you did, you do not lend to people.

If he ends the friendship, so be it, he isn't a good friend to put you in that position.

Even if you have the money and won't miss it, don't lend it. You won't get it back and that money is needed for your future security.

He won't be the first man eyeing up a woman's savings and using his kids a lever to get it.

Absolutely not, there's no way I'd lend that amount of money to anyone, especially for an unspecified purpose! It sounds like he's got into something dodgy and doesn't want his family to find out.

It doesn’t sound great that you had already said no to him and he still messaged you again and put pressure on you to do something you obviously didn’t want to.

If something is that desperate that he would not be a great friend to pressure you, surely it is desperate enough that he would say what it’s for.

My assumption is that it’s clearly something you wouldn’t like or approve of or he knows he shouldn’t be doing.

Either way, if he doesn’t respect your boundaries in saying no, why would he respect your boundaries in paying back? Why would he not keep asking if you lend to him once?

I would steer well clear.

No way!!

I wouldn’t even give it to my own family without knowing the reason.

The fact that he won’t tell you is immediately dodgy and you don’t want to get caught up in anything you can’t get out of.

He’s said it’s for the children to try and make you feel guilty.
When that doesn’t work he’ll try and say he’s going to get kicked out or something.

Do not believe him and do not lend him the money.
If he knows how to manipulate you (which sounds like he does) then at the very least, ask to see the bill and pay it yourself directly to the landlord or whatever the excuse is.

He’s using you because you are a nice person.

He is not a nice person.