AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

Of course not. It does seem a bit weird that he applied for a job that he didn’t want to do tho.

He wants the job but not the terms and conditions. If the recruiter had told him initially it was 5 days in the office he wouldn't have continued the process but he was only told just before the final stage interview.

Difficult one! Depends how sought after his skill set is. I wouldn’t risk it unless he is pretty confident that he can get something else within the next 3 or 4 months. Has be talked to the recruiter about negotiating it into a hybrid role?

First rule of job hunting is that recruiters lie.

How flexible would it need to be for him to take it?

maybe an email along the lines of “If you can offer three days wfh I can accept this however unfortunately I wasn’t advised prior to applying that it was five days on site and this doesn’t work for me”

(obviously gussied up) in case they’ll be flexible for him?

For many people, an hour-long commute is perfectly normal!

If he's getting a salary increase, then the other thing you look at is a cleaner, so that the burden of housework is a) reduced and b) doesn't fall on your shoulders.

In the current climate he would be mad to turn the opportunity down.

He can take the job and in the meantime keep looking for sth better.

But presumably he would have had to have got a car even if it were hybrid? Or were you assuming that he would only have to go in on days that you don’t want the car?

To maintain the current set up, how many days could he actually be in the office?

There is much more of a move back to the office now. Employers don’t want to pay rent on large buildings that are half empty 3/4 of the week

I would be inclined to take the job and keep an eye open on other opportunities. Also, he can request flexible working as soon as he starts. There is no such thing as "non negotiable". The employer has to provide in writing the exact reasons why flexible working is refused and to do so outlining specific ways in which granting it will negatively affect their business.

AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

Ofcourse not! You wouldn’t be unreasonable to support DH turning down anything that hurts your family, so why are you questioning it?

Why did he go for a job that he had little intention of taking? Seems like a waste of time all round.

If you read the o/p he was told it was flexible working, when it isn’t.

o/p it’s not unreasonable to turn it down at all.

you’ve got 12 months to find a new role. You can also be looking at other solutions, temporary or permanent. Do you work FT? Can you up your hours or look for a promotion?

can your dh join a temp agency? Zero hours contract in a supermarket while he job hunts?

I take it your salary doesn’t cover the bills, so there needs to be something to plug the gap a bit more and make the redundancy go further.

You could also approach you mortgage holder for a payment holiday, or ask to go interest only for a while. Kicks the problem down the road a bit.

we were in the same position for a while. We both started job hunting- as it happened I got a FT/promotion first, which covered our basics. Dh then got a job a few months later- so overall we’re in a better position and also if it ever happens again each of us can now keep us afloat in the interim.

It’s in the o/p:

When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable

Before turning it down I’d make a list of pros and cons (though it sounds like you’ve already done this) and if the cons outweigh the pros you wouldn’t be unreasonable in supporting his decision. He might be better off taking the job and continuing to look for something more suitable or if it really doesn’t work out he can leave given you have financial cushion for a while.

If he were already employed, this would obviously be a no and he should feed back that the recruiter told him it was flexible. However, he isn’t currently employed.

He has a second interview lined up, so I would probably delay the start date until after that second interview. If he gets the job with the second interview, he can turn this one down. Otherwise he starts work with the first offer, puts a flexible working request in and looks for something else. Use the money from his payout that you were going to live on to make life slightly easier (get a cleaner, get a reliable car, maybe drop a few hours of your work if possible). It’s a career progression move so he should look at it but there’s nothing to stop him looking for something that fits around family life more.

The 5 days is absolutely non-negotiable.

We already have a cleaner.

The on paper salary is higher but well be £150-200 a month worse off (depending on petrol prices!)

I would email the company and ask if they can be more flexible re wfh. It's a huge phaff for them to re advertise the position and go through the interview process again. If you don't ask you'll never know.

The job market is pretty brutal, even 0 hours at a supermarket (that gets trotted out as an option time after time).

The hour commute isn't crazy so effectively you're saying DH can only do a hybrid role, and these are reducing in number.

I would pushback/stall with a direct challenge on the fixed office days (be honest with what you were told), and do the second interview for the other job.

Then, depending on what that shakes out like, decide on next steps.

Just really consider the likely hood of hybrid role in the industry DH is looking at.

Take the job and look for another, I mean to get three interviews so quickly in this climate is good. He is either outstanding or in something niche or both and who knows what kind of vacancies there are usually.

It’s not just housework though and things that can easily be outsourced. And the salary increase is negated by the commute and increased expenses.

it’s the knock on effect on the kids- wraparound every day instead of a couple of days, having to give up hobbies and activities due to the work schedule.

unless o/p can get a nanny or an au pair to help keep the kids in their routine, it’s going to affect them the most.

The bait/switch about WFH now not being available would mean a no from me in your case, especially if it would actually mean a pay cut in real terms plus the disruption to your current set up.

Many people DO have an hour commute so that in itself isn't a major hurdle but the impact the job would have would need to be recompensed significantly to cover this.

That said, there is opportunity for salary progression and flexible working request down the line.

My DP has been looking for work for 6 months under similar circumstances and it's hard - he's just got a job but at this stage it was getting close to the end of the savings pot so isn't his ideal role, salary or location. One in the bush would have been handy 4 months ago.

Speak to the company and see if there is any wiggle room re WFH. If you can afford to take the risk of another few months looking for work it might be worth asking. The worst they can do is say no

Take the job

So we live 20mins, door to door, by train from a major city centre. My commute is by train (also hybrid) and DH has also only ever commuted by train, so we honestly thought and planned for that. We only use the car for hobbies/ school run.

The 5 days is non-negotiable.

We have a cleaner already.

The on paper salary is higher but the real term loss will be about £300.

Sorry, just redid the maths to include the mains of the second car.

It’s not the job for him, he should gracefully bow out of the process now, thank the company directly for the opportunity but 5 days in office not viable currently. The company might be unaware that the recruiter is pitching it as flexible.

Then apply for other roles. Tell him to work on 3 opportunities at a time, be choosy about what you apply for

Could he negotiate a slightly higher salary then so you are not worst off? Assume and plan that he is only doing it for 6 months to
avoid a gap on his CV and bring in something at least . even if you're 300/month worse off that's better than paying the full whack of all your expenses out of his savings.
However if having the new full time job stops him applying for other ones, as it might well, that is also a reason to reconsider.