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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

188 replies

Abso · 21/04/2026 09:43

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

OP posts:
Steeleydan · 21/04/2026 12:06

Abso · 21/04/2026 10:02

The 5 days is absolutely non-negotiable.

We already have a cleaner.

The on paper salary is higher but well be £150-200 a month worse off (depending on petrol prices!)

The recruitment agency are to blame and needa complaint putting into

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/04/2026 12:10

Presumably the interviewer clarified the details? At that point he should have withdrawn from the process instead of wasting everyone’s time. If he’s going to turn the job down, best he does it asap so they can find someone who is happy to do the job they are offering

Butterme · 21/04/2026 12:12

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week.

Realistically, how likely is it that he’s going to get a job that offers him the flexibility he wants?

Where I live for the majority of jobs, you’re looking at a commute on average 45-90mins and having to be on site 4/5 days a week.

So for me if this was a good job, it would be a no brainer because you’re not going to get much better.

However, if you live in an area where jobs are easy to come by and they are closer and more flexible then I can understand why he’d be hesitant.

It has only been 3 weeks, not 3 months so he does have a bit of breathing space.

Ultimately it comes down to how much he wants this job/how difficult they are to come by.

Caplin · 21/04/2026 12:14

This is tough, I think he can go back to the employer and say he needs to think as it wasn’t what was discussed with the recruiter and would be a pay cut, it may get him an increase.

It depends on his field, I was made redundant just over a year ago. I decided to go freelance as I had been considering it for a few years and had the money to make a go of it, and I am just about managing, but there are so many redundancies at a senior level that the freelance market is flooded. I do occasionally apply for jobs, although not many come up and I have only had one interview. It is a shit show out there!

I’m hoping I manage to survive long enough for people to find jobs and the freelance market clears out a bit as I do enjoy

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/04/2026 12:18

Personally, in our house...

Dh would take the job and keep looking and applying.

Dh would want that and I would want it too.

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 21/04/2026 12:20

I think he should take it and keep looking.

Wexone · 21/04/2026 12:21

BIWI · 21/04/2026 09:50

For many people, an hour-long commute is perfectly normal!

If he's getting a salary increase, then the other thing you look at is a cleaner, so that the burden of housework is a) reduced and b) doesn't fall on your shoulders.

In the current climate he would be mad to turn the opportunity down.

On its own a 1 hour commute is fine - however its the impact on life, the toll of driving every single day. need for second car, extra cost, the fall back of one person doing everything else, the rush to get things done in the eve,
Is it one hour, or is it linke my commute, one hour no traffic, but in rush hours its more 2 hours and crashes, accidents every single day
I would in this case turn down the job - the recruiter shouldn't have lied, they knew what they were doing, WFH/Flexi work is top of most jobs requests now for areas that it can be done at home, the recruiter i say has lost a lot of people even going for an interview when they heard 5 days on site ( There are a few companies here struggling to get staff mainly for this reason or once they get them they leave soon after to a job that allows WFH and Flexi )
You have a good buffer there , your husband has done well to get interviews, i would keep on that trail and as someone else said take a zero hour or supermarket job to cover basics if need be

Supersimkin7 · 21/04/2026 12:24

Negotiate. They’ll up the offer.

Take it.

By the way, a 10 yr old’s hobby doesn’t trump your food bills.

SP2024 · 21/04/2026 12:29

Now is the time to be negotiating. They want him, he wants different terms. If they say no then support him to reject the offer.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 21/04/2026 12:30

I'd accept the offer but tell them I cant start till June - even when you're currently unemployed it often takes employees ages to sort out references and stuff. In the meantime keep looking for something else.

Original poster
Abso · 21/04/2026 12:32

Youngest is 6.

I only work in the office 1 day a week, so yes it's 20minutes, but the rest is no commute.

Based on his previous working pattern and type of work he does he'd likely be home about 7.30, traffic dependent.

I am worried he turns this down then doesn't find anything else vaguely suitable. He's more optimistic. But he is generally more happy go lucky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abso · 21/04/2026 12:39

Supersimkin7 · 21/04/2026 12:24

Negotiate. They’ll up the offer.

Take it.

By the way, a 10 yr old’s hobby doesn’t trump your food bills.

I didn't say that my 10yo hobby trumps any of our bills, but we are fortunately no where near there being any need to make those choices at the moment.

OP posts:
SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 21/04/2026 12:42

Abso · 21/04/2026 09:43

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

Take the bird in the hand, and keep looking. He can always move jobs when a better one comes up. You have no idea if there will be another offer in the next 9-12 months or not. And, keeping that emergency fund for true emergencies may be better.

But, I always have a financial hat on. Understand there are large Homelife issues to account for.

PullTheBricksDown · 21/04/2026 12:44

He's got a second interview for another job later this week, you say? I would be looking to delay giving an answer to this job until he's heard about that (assuming it doesn't turn out to be another case of a recruiter having sold him a pup..) He could ask to think it over till Monday while he reviews his finances, and/or ask if they can consider the idea of some flexibility or Wfh one more time. If he gets the second job, he can take that and turn this down.

pregnantprayingmantis · 21/04/2026 12:44

Can he negotiate a higher salary offer? Worth a try

Superstar22 · 21/04/2026 12:47

Always put your family’s wellbeing first if you can afford to. Even if that is for the next 9 months then he takes something less ideal.

This job won’t work for any of you- it would be a nightmare for you all if he took it

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/04/2026 12:48

PullTheBricksDown · 21/04/2026 12:44

He's got a second interview for another job later this week, you say? I would be looking to delay giving an answer to this job until he's heard about that (assuming it doesn't turn out to be another case of a recruiter having sold him a pup..) He could ask to think it over till Monday while he reviews his finances, and/or ask if they can consider the idea of some flexibility or Wfh one more time. If he gets the second job, he can take that and turn this down.

Yeah or orally accept or keep the conversation going on flexibility (time shifted.hours - wfh once past probation etc) and keep it going until he hears about the other one...

Depends what he is in but the market isnt brilliant.

museumum · 21/04/2026 12:49

I would probably take it and consider it a one-to-two year stepping stone. If the salary is higher on paper it helps next step. Also, I'd try really hard to negotiate higher pay based on the recruiters 'hybrid' lie. AND also put in a flexible working request after probation.
As the partner in this situation i think so long as it's viewed as a short term situation i would cope with the temporary decrease in the quality of family life.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2026 12:51

He’s only been out of work 3 weeks and has had 3 interviews. You’re working full time and you have savings that can last 9-12 months. I think you’d be mad to take an unsuitable job this early on in the search, and would turn it down on principle due to the recruiter’s deception.

Geneticsbunny · 21/04/2026 12:51

You can ask for flexible working now from day 1 so he could take the job, ask for adjustments and then quit if they wont make any.

LlynTegid · 21/04/2026 12:52

If there is any documented evidence, I think your DH should allege the criminal offence of seeking to obtain services by deception, against the recruitment agency.

You would both be condoning such behaviour by the job being accepted. Your DH should make it clear that the job is being declined on that basis.

If you both feel comfortable, name the company for their collusion in this deception.

Scarlettpixie · 21/04/2026 12:52

I am not sure why you feel the need to ask seeing as you and your DH are in agreement that this job wouldn't work for your family. I would also be complaining if I were him that the job was advertised as one thing and turned out to be another which is a waste of everyone's time. Assuming of course you are ok financially for now if he doesn't take it.

Ezzee · 21/04/2026 12:55

What, don't be so ridiculous.

Pleasealexa · 21/04/2026 12:56

I don't think 1 hours commute is an issue especially if you are WFH 4 days a week.

The trend is 5 days back in the office but it depends on the company culture if there is flexibility. I would say don't negotiate with the recruiter, speak to the hiring manager directly.

LardyCakeLover · 21/04/2026 12:57

A thing to bear in mind is that there is no "loss" - he hasn't got a job, so any earnings are positive. I've often had very long commutes (90mins+ at times) - I've always been able to start earlier and leave early so that I'm back in time for dinner and bed time (back in the day when kids were younger). Is that definitely not an option? It helps that I've always stuck to my contracted hours and not given freebies away to my employer/client.