AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

1hr commute is common unfortunately, lots of companies are pushing people back into the office everyday - it really depends on his skill set and if he thinks he can get another job easily. Remember that some companies that offer flexible working might change to 5 days in the near future... is the salary good enough to warrant the 5 days a week in too..

Completely reasonable to turn it down, and he can be truthful in his email to them as to the reason why: they told him it was flexible-working, which is important for him, but it isn't.
I know it is rough out there for job hunting, but it sounds like he is being proactive and getting interviews. This probably/hopefully won't be his only job offer.

I agree.

when I first read the thread I thought if this were flipped, and it was a woman not wanting to take a job because it meant barely seeing her children, the responses would be different.

Sorry just read this, if £300 worse off I would turn this down and keep applying for jobs in the city 20 mins away.

I think he needs to take the job and keep looking for a better one. You ultimately want to maintain your lifestyle and savings, not dip into savings to maintain lifestyle until he gets a perfect job. Yeah it might be tough temporarily but it’s only until he gets another job. Your children will be fine ffs, do you remember some random weekday during your childhood when you had wrap around care? It’s a non issue.

It kind of depends on how much in demand his skills are and the state of the job market in his area.
I work in IT and it's shocking. Good, senior people are out of work for way way longer than expected. They are now looking at jobs that are massively inconvenient/junior etc just to get back into paid employment.
If he's working in an area where he's confident about other roles coming up then fine. But if he gets notbing else will you kick yourself in 6 months time ?

You can always keep looking as PP have said

It depends on how employable he is. So the likelihood of him finding something relatively easily. If he thinks he will then he should turn this one down. It's a bit frightening though given the job market is awful right now.

Better to take it and not burn through savings, and look for the perfect job from the position of being employed.

Don’t most families have to make constant compromises for work?

There was an article in the Guardian about how difficult it is to get a job in retail right now - it's often a two or three stage interview process including group interview tasks and a trial shift. You don't just hand in a CV anymore and expect to start on Friday

I'd take the job and keep looking for another.

Am assuming with the need for wrap round care and cancellation of activities if he’s not there, does that mean this was things he had to do along with work?
Any new employer may not be as flexible re letting him be able to do all that?

Not really weird at all. I think when people lose their jobs they panic and apply for anything in their field as any job is better than no job.

YANBU but I wouldn’t underestimate the effects of being out of work for an extended period, or having to go to too many unsuccessful interviews. That can have a bigger impact on MH and mood than you might anticipate and also negatively impact family life,

Flexible working doesn't usually mean hybrid, it means start and finishing times can be flexible or compressed hours. Why can't he ask about earlier/later starts and circumvent the need for morning childcare if he can start later? Compressed hours or one day a week WFH could be requested once he has passed probation period. You have the money to cover the shortfall in salary difference for a few months instead of him being out of work completely and using all of the payout on living costs.

I'm out of work at the moment and applied for a job in my field that would have required two days a week in London. One is fine - I did that in my last role, travelling in on Fridays as it was off-peak - but when I checked current train prices for other days I quickly realised I'd be spending £800 a month on transport and the job didn't pay enough to make that feel like a sensible decision.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And I'd tell the company that the recruiter didn't make the terms clear enough before going through the process.

Ask for a pay rise if the location is non negotiable? See how much they want your DH?

1 hour commute is normal. If it’s a great job with an increased salary, I think you’d be bonkers to turn it down. You can hire a babysitter to help with drop offs etc if needed.

He had a full conversation with the recruiter about WFH. He was told it's be really flexible and he could pick his office days.

I would relay this to the employer

I wouldn’t turn it down outright, I would contact the hiring manager and see if there is flexibility around office days. Explain that he was under the impression it was hybrid.

No. He does the drop offs and is home on time to start work at 9. I do drop off on his office days . He does 1 school pick up time a week which we accept he'll be unlikely to be able to. I start early so do 2 school pick up times a day and the kids are in afsc 2 days.

If you do have to buy a second car OP then consider an EV, if you have somewhere to charge overnight. Significantly reduces the running costs.

Thanks all. Some things to consider and think about before making the decision

Hmm, it's a tricky one. I had a friend who was made redundant last year. Had a bunch of interviews (probably like 15) the first 2-3 months. Was offered one job but turned it down because she wanted another one where she was at the final stages of interviewing. She didn't get that one and it has now been 10 months and she hasn't been offered any other positions. If he's very senior it could take a long time to find another job, and none will be perfect in all areas. This one offers a step up on the career ladder, the commute time is quite normal (I had the same commuting across just zone 1 in London) and he will hopefully build great work relationships if everyone is in the office a lot. The downside is definitely that you are picking up more of the work at home, but if you have a 20 minute commute then he's only home 40 minutes later than you.

How old are your kids. I know one is 10 so they will soon start secondary school and won't need breakfast/after school club and shouldn't be in bed already an hour after office hours. Are the other kids much younger?

You’re thinking about this exactly as I would. I’d decline. He’s not desperate, and actually he can be available immediately for interim roles if needed which would be better than being stuck in a job that is unsuitable.

Has he signed on for JSA? It’s not means tested and he will continue to receive a stamp for NIC towards his state pension. Apply today if not because they ask why you delayed application & also deduct a few days too.