AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

Presumably he will find it easy enough to find a job in that sector with the home working so not to compromise your children’s activities then? I am assuming he does a ‘big important job’?

Was he not told the conditions at the interview? (Regardless of what the recruiter said). Because that’s the time to thank them and say he is unable to fulfill those terms and bow out gracefully.

Why does the school run need a car, can that be changed? I'd be loathe to turn down a job at only an hour's commute, because you'd have to buy a second car, when the first is used so sparsely. I'd re-work the school run and let the car go to work.

I'd also speak to the employer about working hours, whether they can be adjusted at either end to allow for earlier finishes, a bit of work in the evening etc.

Your kids won't be going to bed at the same time indefinitely either, that'll get later.

I'd take it, get feet under the table and see what happens. Keep an eye out for other things. Try to negotiate on salary etc.

Train season tickets aren't cheap either, so that cost needs to be offset.

Op, turn it down. 18 months ago I changed my job for something similar in terms of set up. Thinking it would be ok and we'd all get used to the change in hours, later home times, breakfast clubs etc. We didn't and we hated it and I've job changed again.

Either the recruiter has lied to him about the job requirements, or the prospective employer lied to both of them. Not good in either scenario.

I wonder what else he has been lied to about.

Provided he has good prospects to find another job within your time frame, he would be very reasonable to turn this one down.

Reworking the school run means either moving the kids school or moving house. It IS walkable but would have a significant impact on my working day (I'd have to take two 55minute breaks per day and then work in the evening once DH is home). Essentially, my working day would never have a real end. I can't see how not using the car would help?

We currently spend £60 a month commuting each, that's already been put in the calculations.

My partner interviewed for a job that had listed 7 different work patterns, full time and part time. They offered him a posistion but the shifts offered weren't suitable and vacancies for the shifts he wanted gone to someone else, so he turned it down, support him 100%. If they don't fit they don't fit, other more suitable jobs will come along. Other people saying a jobs a job, not if it makes life miserable

Of course you aren't unreasonable but I think there might be a less risky option, he could regret rejecting this offer months down the line if nothing better comes up.

It depends a bit on the industry and the local market but in the current climate I would be cautious.

If it were me I would ask whether the salary is negotiable, I would ask whether there is a possibility of flexibility around days on site, working hours, working pattern etc if not immediately in future if he does well. I would also try to buy some time to get that second interview done (try and get that asap).

I would be very reluctant to turn that role down without another offer and if timing doesn't work consider accepting it but continuing to look elsewhere with a view to either withdrawing before he starts or moving on quickly if a better alternative arises.

So effectively turning it down because it's not wfh???
Irrespective of the additional impact on current set up, YABU to support him turning it down

Interviews for 3 different jobs in 3 weeks is pretty good going...if he feels fairly confident that the opportunities will continue then it is worth holding off for the right offer

No.

Turning it down because it's not hybrid and the commute is longer than DH is happy with compared to other likely possibilities. And will take him out of the family home for 11+ hours.

The impact it will have on the current set up/ children's wellbeing/ my wellbeing/ DHs well being is a significant.

Abso · Today 10:02
The 5 days is absolutely non-negotiable.
From Op days on site non negotiable

@Abso as someone all ready said if the company lied to the recruiter about WFH/Flexi then what else have they lied about ? Took them to the third interview to tell him 5 days on site, i would have though this would have come up in second interview. If i interviewed 3 tomes fro a role i wouldnt be impressed with this new information coming in third interview

Any possibility of explaining that the job was presented to him as hybrid and seeing if there's any movement on that?

Who lied about it being a hybrid role? The recruiter or the employer?

As far as we're aware, the recruiter. DH was furious.

Whatever about your husband, your mind seems made up and you are not unreasonable to support his preference to turn it down.

However, 1) the right job may take a while to come along and there's still every risk of much more office time in the current market but possibly in the city centre and 2) if that's the case, you may need two cars down the road anyway.

Lastly, do they know he's been made redundant? If so they may well be playing hardball. Question is - it doesn't sound like he wants it at all? If he has to build a new team, then f2f time is necessary and your lives will change.

I would go back and say that he cannot make the numbers work. It's a real term pay cut, it's not hybrid which is what he was sold on and he is at final interview stage for another role and has decided to withdraw his application. You and he need to figure out what you can accept if they start negotiating though.

No jobs perfect there’s always compromise
take it and give it at least 12months
there a lot of uncertainty I wouldn’t turn any job down in the current climate

too much of a gamble in 9 months time you could very easily be kicking yourself

As painful as 5 days a week is, this is unfortunately the direction many companies and sectors are heading.

A friend changed jobs in a sector famous for flexible/hybrid environment and is now 5 days in the office (previously 1 to 2). She couldn’t turn down the offer because the salary bump was significant.

I love my WFH day and I’m wondering what we can do collectively to slow the tide?! 😅

I think it would probably depend on other factors like how difficult he thinks it'll be to get a job that suits his requirements. If he's already had 3 interviews so soon then he can probably take a chance on getting something more suitable but it's a tough market!

Reject it purely on the basis that the recruiter lied and doesn't deserve the commission. Make it very clear to the employer that you were lied to.

Yes he wants it. If it was elsewhere/ hybrid. He just doesn't see why a job should trump family life.

His last job (before the redundancy one) he scaled a team from 6 to 100 very successfully and 100% remotely. One of the reasons this job wanted him.

We of course expect our life to change as new job does change stuff (I changed job in January) but there's changing bits of your life and missing out on your life, which is what DH is worried this role will lead to. Were used to him being done by 6ish and at home with the family.

Yes my worry is despite initial success it just gets harder and harder to find another role of any description and we regret him not taking this.

We don't know anyone in DHs industry that who is more than 3 days in the office and those are outliers. So by the industry standard this job is weird. It's not as though he's being funny about what is a totally normal job in his industry.

Fully appreciate that not all industries have WFH but it's the norm in mine and DHs.

Just turn it down. I'd be completely straight with them about why: advertised as very flexible, the norms in the sector, DH experience with building a large successful remote team.
Sounds like your DH would not have applied for a 5 day in the office role, so nothing's really lost except obviously the time spent.
Hopefully the recruiter learns not to do that.
Very frustrating for you all though.

Bit of dilemma OP. Went through similar and did have to take the inconvenient job. It was me that took it. Just as well as my DH was made redundant shortly after . Lots to think about . Family time is important but it's also showing your kids that sometimes you have to do things to support each other . Your DC schools, age ,even hobbies will change as time goes on . Childcare costs will also change . And if the travel part is the only thing he doesn't like about it which after all is only an hour , maybe see what can work . Only you and he can know what the likelihood is of another position coming up .

I think it's fine to get to the late stages, even to the point you receive an offer, then turn it down.

I've done that recently too.

Thanks, a slightly different point to others and something to give thought.