AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

How old are your kids? This seems a lot like hyperbole. An eight hour working day with an hour commute doesn't mean you only see kids at weekends, unless they all get up very late and are in bed at 6pm? If they're doing plenty of activities, how much quality time do you get each evening anyway?

I would be very nervous turning down a decent job in the current climate.

I'm thinking that too. I used to work 8.30 - 5pm with a 55 minute commute and lived by myself with my kids. We still had time to have dinner together, do homework, bath time etc. They didn't have a lot of activities because they went to ASC and it was stressful but doable. I didn't feel like I never saw them. OP's kids will have her there so it's a much easier situation. I realise it's not a race to the bottom, but the situation with the new job is also not that dire.

It's great he has been offered a new job so quickly but I imagine it was less competition if fully office based than a hybrid role. I wouldn't turn it down yet. See how the 2nd interview goes and go from there, hopefully he is offered that one and it fits better.

I'm a little surprised how many people seem to dismiss the impact on family and relationships, in favour of job, career etc. at a time when 'we' are finally recognising the importance of work/life balance. It may be something of a cliché, but it is a truism nonetheless - 'work to live, don't live to work', life is just too short, childhood is too short. To quote Walt Whitman " ....and not when I had come to die, find that I had never lived."

@ThoseWhoDance I think it's more to do with the fact that it's a pretty standard commute for many people and there are also many people who work full-time outside of the home and still manage to spend time with their children/partners. It would be different if he had to be away Monday to Friday or travel 2 weeks out of every month or something, but this seems like a pretty standard job. It's also a terrible market to be unemployed in and although OPs H has the benefit of having some time, turning down any job is a huge risk.

Work/life balance is great though, but you have to look at the specific circumstances and the risk of potentially being long-term unemployed.

Commuting costs and not being home for DCs bedtime are valid but he may really struggle to find a job which allows school drop off and pick ups some days. You probably need to approach this with the expectation that you will need to pay for additional wrap around childcare.

I live to work. Work life balance is totally overrated

Do you have a family @LiviaDrusillaAugusta ?

Yes

I’d pass because the company want him to scale up yet won’t be flexible- I think it sounds destined for failure on that basis alone. He won’t succeed precisely for the points you are worried about for him.

I used to be that way - then was diagnosed with a long term chronic pain inlness - i have to have work life balance in order not to be in pain
You never know what is around the corner in life and remember only a number in work

I would do this too.

I thought I'd come back to this thread and update.

DHs notice period ends next week. He got a firm job offer yesterday which he accepted. The new job is higher pay than the one he turned down and is only 1 day a week in the office, which is in
the nearby city.

After reading another thread on here, we've decided he'll take the summer off with the kids and start the job in September - which they're happy with.

I'm very glad he didn't take the other job, he may have not even looked at this one!

Congratulations! Sounds like a supportive, low stress new job.

That’s brilliant 🤩

and great to have the summer off as a family

I don’t know, 5 days in the office has been a deal breaker for me since 2016, and that hasn’t been an issue with my financial services jobs, and never made anyone blink in interviews.

Great outcome! Enjoy your summer!

It’s one hour, that’s a normal commute. I don’t think he can be picky at this stage, those savings will soon go

Read the update

thread is 8 pages long how about read it all or even ops updates before comment

Thank you op for the update and a good result.

The recruiter for the job not taken deserves to face the criminal charge of attempting to obtain services by deception. Or if it is not a criminal offence it should be.

I'm not sure about low stress but it's definitely a better option than being on site 5 days a week! It's also a good job offer, ones he's really interested in. So good all round.

To be fair the job advert now states it's in office full time!

Unfortunately just DH and the kids, I still have to work!