AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

Job market is afwul right now, take the job and look for something else in the meantime

That's just it. It would be unlikely to be temporary as it's a step up career wise. If he starts it, he needs to stick at it, or risk being unable to make a sideways move. We're looking at 2years minimum.

Pay and any possibility of WFH have been negotiated already. The pay is the pay and the terms are the terms at final negotiation.

I don’t know what the answer is, but if the commute is 1hr each way if he takes the new job and he isn’t going to be home until 7.30pm most nights, I doubt he would have the energy for much job searching on top of that 5 days a week.

I think acceptance and stringing out the start date as someone has suggested is possibly the way to go, provided he doesn’t work in a small industry where that would follow you around.

He’s in a strong place as he has an offer. Has he actually gone back and negotiated on this?
Has he said he wants three days and two at home for example? Or has he just asked what the office days are and been told five days??

Also, with it being 100% office based, it makes continuing job hunting really hard due to needing take time off for interviews etc.

Sorry, just seen your previous message.

I’d walk away if they will not negotiate.

It’s not the right set up for your family. And you’ve got a buffer so don’t need to knee jerk into the first thing.

YANBU

With 3 interviews after 3 weeks and 9-12 months left, I wouldn’t be panicking just yet.

I assume if he had known before hand that the flexibility wasn’t as he thought he wouldn’t have applied for this role in the first place? Effectively the recruiter or employer (whoever said it was flexible) is to blame here for wasting everyone’s time.

By all means he could ask for more flexibility but if they don’t budge I don’t think he should accept personally.

I think you need to do what works for you as a family. Paying extra for childcare and the effect on the dc may not be worthwhile if it makes life harder. An hours commute isn’t bad but if it doesn’t work I would sit tight a little longer. I would be mindful that the perfect position may not exist and he may need to compromise.

I think if he’s only been searching for 3 weeks and managed to get 3 interviews and at least one job offer, coupled with the fact you have a buffer of redundancy money, I wouldn’t panic accept this job offer and would keep looking. If in a few months time something that ticks all the boxes still isn’t forthcoming you may have to consider taking something that isn’t completely suitable, but I don’t think you are any that stage yet

Agree it sounds like a poor choice of job for him. I think an hour commute, five days a week, is never a good idea. It’s stressful and the time lost to personal life is ridiculous; especially seeing as he has a wife and kids.
it isn’t the job for him! If they really want him, he could say he can come in 2/3 days a week but not all 5. The distance is a no go given the other constraints you have as a family.

Id probably take it, then once in, feign ignorance not go in 5 days, and keep looking for something else. And given the bait & switch in the recruitment process I wouldnt feel bad about that at all. Easier to find a job when you have one, your hedging your bets, and its a brutal market out there and the longer youre unemployed the harder it gets.

Yes. I'd probably think about this

Take the job.
Activities for kids can change.

The job market being awful at the moment depends entirely upon which sector you're in - there's a dire shortage of people in my sector and I could walk into a job tomorrow with only a cursory interview.

Also, taking this job would involve the immediate purchase of a car - I'd think very carefully about accepting this job offer and in my circumstances I definitely wouldn't

It travelled from Wales to London once for an interview for a 40k job 15 years ago. Was told it was hybrid. I could do a night or two in London each week not a problem .

Was offered the job then told they wanted me on site 5 days a week. I declined. They offered me 10k more. I declined. They offered 10k more. I declined. They offered 5k more. I declined. I had two children at home and wasn't moving to London.

So yes recruiters pull a fast one to get bums on the interview seat. But if he's really wanted they may up the salary, which makes it worthwhile. Talk to the company. Say he wants the job but financially it's not viable. Who knows!

It really frustrates me when recruiters/employers aren't honest about these things right from the start. It just wastes everyone's time. Hybrid is just as important as salary to a lot of people these days.

One hour commute and 5 days in the office seems pretty standard to me!

Because the recruiter told him different t&Cs.

YANBU, your priorities are important.

Once DH turned down a job after months and months of looking, when finances were getting tight, but I supported him because there were punitive terms in the contract which they refused to negotiate, all of which boded ill for whether it was a sustainable job and suggested he might up having to pay them money if for some reason they parted ways. It was painful but necessary.

So did they not discuss them at interview?

The job is an hour's commute away and he has to be onsite 5 days a week ...

A normal job then !

In some sectors it may be, but not in DHs.

One thing they're asking him to do is scale the business, which requires growing his team. He's concerned it'll be difficult to attract good people because the sector is so hybrid/ home based. He has also raised this with them.

You can hire in help for dc hobbies to taje them there.
It is income plus pension contribs plus NI plus holiday pay ...that is what you lose if take a year off employment

He was told by the recruiter just before the last interview and it wasn't discussed by the hiring team until the third and final interview.

One thing they're asking him to do is scale the business, which requires growing his team. He's concerned it'll be difficult to attract good people because the sector is so hybrid/ home based. He has also raised this with them.

After COVID, my employer was a little slow in getting our hybrid policy finalised. And until it was sorted out, we really struggled to recruit. No one was willing to join us when everything was 'under review' but once the policy was finalised, and all job adverts mentioned it, things were back to normal again.

So I completely get where you DH is coming from with this.