AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

I thought I'd said it earlier but I don't think I did. The costs, whilst annoying, are not the deciding factor here, we can absorb them (luckily). It's the time and impact on our children.

I'm also concerned about our relationship. DH previously had a job where he worked ridiculously long hours (and for pretty poor pay) and he was just constantly exhausted. We didn't have kids at the time but it really impacted our relationship and I don't think we'd have survived if he hadn't changed career. He now realises how much happier he is when he can prioritise his family/ home life.

I don’t think this is the one. I think some honest feedback to the company that ‘ I was very interested in the job but one of the reasons I applied because it was very clearly described multiple times in a 40 minute conversation with x as hybrid with office days flexible. I now know this isn’t the case; my background shows clearly I have successfully grown a team with remote working and in fact I think your office based model will be an obstacle to the growth target you’ve set yourself. While I appreciate your company may not have intended to be so thoroughly misrepresented on working patterns in the application process, the sector is largely remote. Having to work with such an unnecessary challenge doesn’t appeal nor does it seem an ideal workplace culture to sign up to. Thank you for the offer and I hope you find someone who suits. ‘

To add, it’s not just the family balance that decides me. It’s being set up to make the growth target harder than it need be, making it harder for him to deliver and develop the reputation to step away fro this rigid structure.

Yes. The office is not in a "desirable" location and is closed enough to a desirable location with a lot of jobs in the industry that I can't (and can't) see why people would choose it. Meaning he'd likely attract less great candidates.

It might hurt family life, but surely so will eating into savings and not finding work for a while. If he isn’t working, is he going to pick up the slack at home, or see it as a jolly?

This is so me too, With covid and WFH implemented it was life changing. People are prioritising it as high as wages are - yes paying bills is important, but also having the time to enjoy life, family, not to be exhausted and have time to do what you want is also very important. There are jobs out there that allow WFH and remote working so keep looking. A friend of mine who wasnt even looking for a job was headhunted and now in a fully remote job, she only has to go to the office once every 6 months now - previous job was 2 days on site, its life changing for her.
In my own company we have lost 10 people there at xmas and main reason where leaving to a job with less on site days, i expect more to leave in summer as this Bonuses for last year are paid in May. Our location is in an industrial estate with similar industry so alot of people jump ship to neighbouring competing companies easily - priorities have changed and companies need to realise this

My DH has turned down two jobs at two different stages of life because we had a hard line of him seeing the children every day. Children not seeing their parents from one weekend to the next; or for their first question on being picked up from school being "will we see daddy today?" was not something we wanted.

A job is there to pay the bills (firstly) and for professional fulfillment (secondly), but in all cases is trumped by family life. We have/he has sacrificed a good amount over the years to ensure that the children saw him every day, especially when they were young (although ultimately they needed him more as teens).

I'm 100% with you, OP. Sounds like it'll only be a matter of time before a job he wants comes along, especially if in his industry 5 days in the office is unheard of. Hold firm.

Well currently, he's applied for many many jobs, sorted all laundry, all kids drop offs and pick ups and activities (except where they've clashed with an interview), built a stud wall, put up some pictures and wall mounted a TV and taken the kids to his parents where he did a load of odd jobs for them.

Definitely not a jolly!

Many of us drive more than an hour there and then back to work

Well yes, I get that for many it's normal but does hardly seeing your kids feel ok to you? Or are used to it because it's always been that way?

This.

If it were me, I"d see how to make it work. But then, I've always been the only income. If I don't work, I'm stuck.

He does have the luxury of choice, because there are 2 incomes, but on the other hand, the economy is not doing well. If he's only had 3 interviews and one knock back, how certain are you that he'll get another job at all?

If this one is a pay rise & promotion, it might be wise to take it, but keep looking. It's always easier to get a job when you're already in a job.

A recruiter or potential employer may be a bit ho-hum about an unemployment gap.

This^^

Take the job and he may get the second stage one anyway.

Don’t spend your redundancy money.

Save it.

And even if this job is initially difficult to work around with kids’ schedules etc, job is your first priority, especially when it comes with potential for promotion.

if the working conditions are going to strain your relationship to the point he would start looking elsewhere as soon as he started the job, he could look like a job hopper. I should think that an employment gap could be explained as having had the patience to wait for the right job to come up, especially if he is applying for a truly hybrid or remote job says he was offered another job but turned it down because it was 5d/week in office and 2h/day commuting (assuming that it is 1h each way). As a hiring manager, if I saw someone applying for my role after having recently started somewhere else, I would worry that I was only a stepping stone and that they were going to leave my firm quickly as well.

Fair enough @YankeeDad When I'm on an appointments committee, i'm always interested in hearing the candidates' narratives of their careers, as I get a sense of why they've ended up in front of me. But I'm not a recruiter by profession.

I work in a profession where really good jobs are rare, and you expect to have to move or commute if you're lucky enough to be offered a post. I once did a 2 hour each way commute to stay living in a city I preferred to live in. Moving to be nearer that job was not an option as I didn't want to live there. I used the 4 hours travelling very productively as I did it by train. I got a lot of work done!

But the OP's DH has apparently applied for "many" jobs, and only been offered one. I guess I'm very cautious, having no-one else to fall back on.

None of us here can know if this is the “right” decision and yes if he turns it down there is a possibility that you will both be sitting around the table in 9 months time trying to figure out how to pay the bills. But firstly he sounds pretty employable and secondly what absolutely rings through in all of your posts OP is the fact that you’re a team and one that’s centred around your DCs. That’s pretty awesome and on that basis I think things will work out if he turns this role down and you support him in that.

If financially you can afford to hold on, then I would do that. It sounds like you have a good set up in terms of family life, and that is so important. I would probably turn down the job and then tell them why. The recruiter will be gutted and maybe also try to negotiate wfh on your husband's behalf. But honestly, yes work is important but so is mental health and work/life balance.

So he's applied for 10 or so, he's had 3 interviews, 1 has a second interview later this week. He's had a few (4) initial convos with recruiters who are putting him forward for interview. 1 job was a definite no after interview and 2 were not suitable after a recruiter call. Then there's a few more he's applied for with the linked in quick apply function but I don't know much about those. And that's in 3 weeks (of which there was 2 bank holidays). Personally I don't think that's bad going. But I'm not in recruitment so don't have much to base that on.

He's not been out of work long, keep looking.

A few thoughts from me...

Being £2/300 'worse off is relevant if you are considering moving from one job to another, but when the alternative is £0 income I would be less bothered about that.

If his payoff is such that it'll see you through the next 9/12 months then I assume its somewhere north of £40/50k after tax, and so I understand the reticence to take the new role based on impact to family life when compared to what he was doing and the financial cushion you have.

However, taking a sub optimal job straight away, but one that's better paid does mean that the £40/50k or whatever immediately becomes savings / investments, not day to day spending, which depending on your current age / resources might or might not be meaningful and might or might not, when compounded over the next 10 or 20 years be a decent sum that gives options around moving, retiring or helping children with education or housing

Finally, moving jobs when you have a job is often easier than when you don't, and increasing salary in the future from a higher base now is also likely to mean higher earnings overall.

At one level it's a shame he's' in the position he is in, but he does at last have options :)

But if he works his contracted hours, he would see the kids in the evening. Leave house at 6:30, arrive at 7:30, work until 4pm, with 1/2 hr for lunch. He would be home by 5pm. Too many people working hours they are not contracted to do or paid for - a mugs game. "But it's expected in my industry", "It's what you need to do to progress", etc, etc. It's just employers squeezing their staff . And why? Because staff let them. Set boundaries early, stick to your contracted hours.

It’s been three weeks and he’s already been offered one job and through to second stage of another, so I wouldn’t be panic accepting anything, especially something that it doesn’t sound either of you want. A full-time office role for either of us would drastically change our lifestyle, time with kids, all that stuff so it’s not something we would do. I’m with you, OP!

Yeah for me the issue here would be the lie he was told about the flexibility. If a company isn't going to be honest from the outset about the working conditions it doesn't bode well does it, I'd assume they are going to be a bit of a sneaky/hard work employer who is always treading a bit too close to the line on work life balance.

I'd play them at their own game. Verbally accept, make all the right noises, then delay signing the contract for a bit, ask a few questions, say he needs to check holiday dates /can't start for another few weeks. Avoiding committing to it fully until he's had the other job interview, as if that one is better /more flexible he can take that one. Use this as the back up for if he's really desperate. Even if he takes it and does it for a couple of months I'd absolutely be submitting a formal request to at least work 1 day a week from home and maybe see if he can book a couple of afternoons of annual leave to try and smooth the impact on the kids while looking for something better.

I’d get him to take the job then look for something that’s a better fit.

there’s literally no work out there.

You asked why he went for the job. He wouldn't have known the correct t&Cs until he went for the interview.

Can't he still be done by 6 if he finishes at 5 with an hour commute?