AIBU to support DH turning down a job that hurts family life

[Abso]

DH lost his job 3 weeks ago. Since then he has had 3 interviews – 1 is an outright no, 1 he has a second stage for later this week and one he has been offered the job.
Due to the payout he received when he lost his job, financially we can maintain our current financial commitments for 9 months, and 12 if we tighten our belts soon. (I also work).
DH is considering turning down the job offer and I support him. AIBU?

Reasons – the commute is 1 hour and he has to be onsite 5 days a week. This means the kids would be in wrap around care for 3 morning and 3 evenings a week minimum (currently no mornings and 2 evenings). It necessitates us buying a second car. The kids activities would need to move, this disproportionality affects my eldest (10) due to the activities he does and the times of them – he may need to drop one altogether. DH would likely be home after bedtime most evenings, which places extra pressure on me. We are currently a great team in regards to housework and parenting and a long commute for him would mean me doing much more of all of it. It would be a real terms pay cut due to increased expenses of commuting and child care.

Obviously he does need a job and one in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, it is a career progression move for him and a slight salary increase (though a real time pay cut due to commuting costs and childcare expenses) and has some real potential for the future however the knock on impact of our home life is going to be huge. DH is considering turning it down. When he applied, the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office and that is non-negotiable.

AIBU to support him turning it down?

Also having a job at the higher on paper salary might mean his next interview places him at even higher salary level as he has a higher current salary benchmark.

So the petrol costs are the £300 loss so over the year £3600 ish

is the new job only paying £3.5k more

many people travel an hour for work. I often drive an hour each way

since Covid so many want to work at home and turn down office jobs 5 days a week

I don’t think it’s really a bait and switch - presumably your husband told the recruiter he wanted flexible working and the recruiter was chancing his arm by telling him that was probably an option. It’s a shame there was no job description from the employer.

Even if he was only in the office 3 days a week presumably you’d have had to get a second car as he can’t be in an office and doing the school run at the same time.

Sounds like it’s a bit of a waste of everyone’s time really. I guess he needs to focus his job search only in jobs in the city which is commutable by public transport.

Take it, nothing to stop him continuing to look.
I've been made redundant 3 times - I wish somebody had given me the advice I've just given ! It would have saved me months of misery & struggling to pay for food.

This

he can take it and look for something else and not have to eat into his package

He's not unreasonable to turn it down , but I did the same in similar circumstances - made redundant, had a few interviews, turned down a job that would have been a good fit because it thought I'd do better. Took me 6 months to get a job.

YANBU to turn it down, just tell him to turn them down politley with the exact reasons. The recruiter made you believe it was a flexible/hybrid position.

You've got several months of expenses (although it would be nice to bank some of that) and another job at second interview stage.

Just something to bear in mind that the job market usually slows down during June-August, so he may not see as many job postings until September. I was in this position two years ago, turned down a job offer in April for similar reasons as your husband and then spent the summer panicking as the job postings dried up and didn't pick up again until September/October.

I was made redundant a month ago. I wouldn’t even apply for a role that was 5 days in office an hour commute away unless it was a REALLY interesting role and the nature of the work meant it could only be done on site (I work on secure accounts which sometimes necessitates onsite work)

id turn it down given your current financial situation and continue to concentrate full time on job hunting and upskilling where necessary.

I would try to negotiate with the employer on this

ETA - sorry, just realised the OP has already mentioned this is non-negotiable

YANBU - if he's already had 3 interviews, sounds like he isnt in a super niche area and more jobs will likely come up?

I would definitely take the time to find a job that fits your lives as a family. You don't desperately need the money right now, and honestly I think this job could end up costing you a lot more in the long term (impact of both the real terms pay cut and the strain it will place on your relationship as a couple and the fallout for the children).

Good luck to him finding a new role and I guess the lesson learned here is that recruiters are just desperate to get people to interview so can, and do, lie through their teeth when it suits them!

@Abso The job market is fucking brutal at the moment. He'd be mad to turn it down. He might not find another job until well after your 9 months contingency runs out and then you'll be having to cut your kids' activities back anyway (along with lots of other things like food and the cleaner). To say nothing of the unbelievable stress unemployment brings. If he was in his previous job for quite a while, he (and you) may not realise how bad things are out there.

I think you need to lower your expectations in respect of hybrid working, the job market is far from ideal as it is, never mind wfh jobs.

I think your kids would rather have a roof over their head and food on the table than miss a few activities. I had to drop hobbies in late primary as my parents financial circumstances changed, it sucked at the time but it's not harmed me in the long run.

Tbh I just woruldnt turn a job down these days. Eating in to your savings would be stressful, id accept, make it work and look for something better. But then I am very risk averse and like financial stability.

Totally reasonable. My DH really wants to take the next step in his career but he has SO much flexibility now and its really helpful for family life so he is settling for being a bit bored and frustrated for now. Obviously its a bit different if hes out of work but if you can financially manage id hold out longer for something more suitable. Also he needs to make it clear to the recruiter he only wants to he put forward for hybrid roles

There is much more of a move back to the office now. Employers don’t want to pay rent on large buildings that are half empty 3/4 of the week

But I don't see this in real life, only on MN

The job market is brutal but 3 weeks in and with 3 interviews in that time, I'd be reluctant to accept a job that meant I didn't see my kids most evenings. I don't know anyone searching for jobs getting that level of success.

There are lots of factors though. If he saw it as a temporary thing (say 12 months) could you afford additional childcare to keep your children in their clubs?

How is his mental wellbeing impacted by being unemployed?

Could you survive if he didn't get a job in 12 months?

I was made redundant a year ago and have been unable to get a job since. I’m very senior and experienced in what I do but the job market is awful! I have also tried to get any job at all to tide me over, supermarkets, pubs, etc, I cannot get anything at all. There are so many applicants for everything. A year goes quickly. And having to engage with the job centre for income benefit is destroying my soul.

The way you’ve described the job it’s far from ideal, but it is a job, it will earn some money, it will go on his CV, it will keep him involved in the workplace, he can continue to apply for other jobs while doing this one. You don’t want to find yourselves one year on like me, with no job, no money, new debt, trashed confidence, stress, etc.

This isn’t an AIBU. This is a question for you and your husband. It’s what works for you as a family, not a universal question. What may or may not be reasonable for you might be completely different for someone else. If you’re both happy with the decision made then there’s no more too it than that.

defo turn it down.

The OP does say "the recruiter told him it was flexible working and he could set his office days, so we thought it was likely to be hybrid, which we are fine with but its definitely 5 days a week in the office "

Classic recruitment consultant behaviour - if he took it, I'd be checking the salary as well, as that was probably overstated.

I've turned jobs down on this basis as well - stuff not being made clear (strict dress code, jobs being fixed term contracts rather than establishment, location being different to stated in the advert etc)

Absolutely not unreasonable. If he wouldn't have proceeded with the application under the terms now outlined, its no different to turning it down now. To maintain the relationship with the recruiter, and employer potentially, he just has to politely outline what you have explained. He was under the impression it was hybrid so could be managed around family commitments, but the terms for the offer don't work for him.

To note, I love that a man is considering the family implications before accepting a job, due to its impact on family and his share of the childcare/parenting. I think traditionally a lot of women have had to make these compromises whereas men haven't. And they have been expected to sacrifice their presence for their family to jump up the career ladder. Its about time employers realised that men and women need and should get some flexibility for work/life balance. Its definitely getting better, but there is a long way to go to change enough peoples mindset. Your DH making this decision is another step towards showing its not all about being in an office and giving a 'promotion'. You have time as a family to find the right role for him, that fits around everyone. Its been 3 weeks and he's had 3 interviews. Not jumping into the wrong thing may feel like a bit of a risk, but it also allows him time to explore other options, that he wouldn't have if he took tis one. Best of luck!

The job market is terrible, I’d take it and ask for some flexibility down the line

Absolutely turn it down but be open about why - when I was offered my role it was four days in the office. I said I wanted three and it was quickly changed. X

“The way you’ve described the job it’s far from ideal, but it is a job, it will earn some money, it will go on his CV, it will keep him involved in the workplace, he can continue to apply for other jobs while doing this one.”

This with bells on. Jobs are never perfect. I think turning this one down would be risky.