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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

729 replies

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

OP posts:
Bombayss · 21/04/2026 00:44

Very upsetting for you.
Only you can decide if it changes how you feel.

Clearly for many on MN it is acceptable and for others it would change how they feel.

Such a pity he was whining instead of apologising when he saw you were upset.

I cannot think of anyone i know being anything other than a bit mortified to receive such a video knowing it is doing the rounds, I totally get that.

Check out the financials and give it all some thought.
Talk to him too.
Feeling so humiliated is a strong emotion and again only you know if you can and actually want to move on.

All men do not have stags like this.
It tends to be a certain type.
Only you know if he is that type and if you can live with it.

Best of luck.

morelaundrytowash · 21/04/2026 00:47

If that’s was my husband he would be ex husband.
eeeew.

morelaundrytowash · 21/04/2026 00:51

What would be his reaction be, if the same video was you on your hen do?

MarmaladeorJam · 21/04/2026 01:03

LittleJustice · 20/04/2026 22:27

Just because the men you know go, doesn't mean all men do. We tend to attract people who share our values.

It’s not naive to want a partner whose values align with mine. I’d rather be single than settle for someone whose lifestyle I don't respect.

Actually, statistics show that industry numbers are declining because many men aren't interested in that scene anymore.

When I got married in the 90s, we had a joint hen and stag do. Just bar hopping in town then on to a club.

But that is just it - something happened then.

It used to be that if men went to sex clubs or had to pay for it, they were considered to be squalid, pervy losers.

They are squalid, pervy losers but somehow, now those men are accepted as part of the normal rather than the exception.

Why did that happen and when did that happen?

MrsDeadline · 21/04/2026 01:12

Call me naive but isn't getting drunk and disorderly for a night the point of a stag do? Shouldn't have been videoed or shared.

Nomura · 21/04/2026 01:12

InconsequentialFerret · 21/04/2026 00:35

The bar for men truly is rolling around on the floor.

The expectation that they are all as grim as the OP's fiance.

The knowledge OP willprobably just go ahead and marry this revolting bloke.

No wonder so many men wander through life treating women badly when women accept this kind of shit.

Show quote history

You must be new to MN. The bar is on the floor.

PollyBell · 21/04/2026 01:14

Nomura · 21/04/2026 01:12

You must be new to MN. The bar is on the floor.

Show quote history

it seems as long as somene gets attention it doesnt matter how bad the person is, and this is speaking generally on here

Italiangreyhound · 21/04/2026 02:07

Personally, much as I don't approve of that sort of behaviour, I do think some men on stag dos do his type of thing in general.

Talk to your guy about this, and how you feel. I don't think it's as terrible as people are making out.

QldGCandproud · 21/04/2026 02:30

bert3400 · 20/04/2026 22:12

Honestly he was on a stag do, if you have no other reason to doubt his loyalty I would let this pass, obviously the pearl clutching mumsnetters are up in arm but you know your fiance ...are you actually going to throw away a solid relationship because he of one night of stupidity and drunkenness? Only you know the answer?

I just feel like OP is now is a position where if she accepts this "otherwise solid" - not your actual words but that's the meaning I think, - relationship, she will have trouble going forward. For example, how many more stag nights are left within that group? How will OP feel when hubby is off to the next one. I don't think this is a solid relationship. Not a good start.

DeepRubySwan · 21/04/2026 03:13

It's a stag do so honestly I would just let it pass. It's not like they hired strippers for the night or he slept with a sex worker. I know it's horrible and it should not have been shared. His friends really fucked up with that one but it's done now. Sorry it has overshadowed your wedding in this way. I wouldn't have been happy about it either.

DeepRubySwan · 21/04/2026 03:14

ThomasinaTrot · 20/04/2026 23:51

In the absence of other issues I wouldn’t dream of ending a relationship over this. Yes it’s sleazy and grim and embarrassing for him and I’d be furious. But unless it’s a pattern of behaviour or typical of how he acts towards women I would be able to move on 100%.

Someone above posted a very wise post about the fact that all the people telling you to LTB will barely remember this thread in a few days. Completely agree. Step away from Mumsnet and talk to your fiance and your good friends IRL. He fucked up. It doesn’t have to change the course of your lives unless that’s what you truly want.

This is very wise. DO NOT rely on the advice of strangers who are have zero investment in your life.

JayJayj · 21/04/2026 03:42

I had a male stripper at my hen. He didn’t undress me but he definitely did suggestive things. It was a just a laugh. My husband didn’t get one for his stag, so I got him one for his 30th birthday! I personally don’t see the deal.

Contrarymary30 · 21/04/2026 05:10

Isn't this just what happens on stag do's. I'd just let it go .

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2026 05:49

It’s grim. And it’s even worse that his mates are sending videos of it around to other bloody people.

it’s all pretty childish and they’re looking for gossip so whatever you do. Don’t chat with them so they can start spreading around with each other. Deal with it in-house.

or course your embarrassed. But only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker.

edited to add. I don’t think this is a deal breaker. You seem quite confident about his intentions and what he’s usually like. It was overly risqué but I don’t think it end it worthy. But very stern chat and telling him to watch for his so called “mates”.

moderate · 21/04/2026 05:50

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 22:30

I am seriously weighing up first thing tomorrow, looking at what the financial implications would be of postponing the wedding. I am spitting mad and reading these replies has made me realise I need to make a stand.

You’ve let yourself get wound up by a bunch of people who post “LTB” freely and then never give your life another thought.

10namechangeslater · 21/04/2026 06:01

Same thing happened to me. I made them remove the video immediately and almost didn’t marry him. Went ahead and married him and then divorced a few years later.

10namechangeslater · 21/04/2026 06:02

The video was on Facebook btw!!!

Pippa12 · 21/04/2026 06:03

Did you talk about no strippers before he went?

It’s his stag doo- it’s grim. His friends have been dicks, they’ve set him up for entertainment then laughed at how uncomfortable he looks. Why on earth they have filmed it is beyond me! There will be many, many husband’s on these 9 pages of holier than thou husbands that had a secret stripper on their stag party who went on to have long and happy marriages.

Talk it through with your man when you’ve calmed down. He should be furious with the ‘friend’ that’s sent this video- common sense tells you no bride to be wants to see this. If this is a incident in isolation I’d talk to him about boundaries but you’ll regret postponing your wedding- people will assume he had a full night of passion with her but you married him anyway at a later date!

Don’t be gossip fodder tho- it seems to me that you have a few jealous ‘friends’ that want to rock the boat!

Jellybelly80 · 21/04/2026 06:07

I think you need to take a step back from him and have a good think about how immature he is.

Id also be asking myself if I wanted my life mixed up long term with the kind of people he’s friends with.

givemesteel · 21/04/2026 06:11

TheGoldenOwl · 20/04/2026 22:45

Having read your update OP , just take a step back....

...From the thread.

When this thread is buried on page 158 of AIBU and all the PPs in the mob who were chanting LTB have turned their attention to other things and can barely remember you, do you really want to be standing there with your relationship in tatters.

I'm just saying dont get carried away. I know a few men who had the usual stag dos of this type and they are living perfectly normal family lives/good husbands etc. this stag do does not undo all the reasons you wanted to marry him and suddenly turn him into an arsehole.

Edited

What a great perspective. This is good advice, OP.

Has he been stupid, yes.

Is it worth postponing your wedding for? I think when you have calmed down I think it is unlikely.

HoraceCope · 21/04/2026 06:17

you feel humiliated
i think you can move on from that
it wasnt his choice
you know him enough to want to marry him

Mintchocs · 21/04/2026 06:34

Goldfsh · 20/04/2026 21:02

Wow, he has the smallest balls in the universe then.

I'd end it personally.

Stag dos are humiliation rituals in many cases so Im guessing the stags were hell bent on getting all this to happen, no idea if uoyur fiance woukdve known or not but by the point it happened hed no doubt be 10 sheets to the wind, so not exactly a normal Tuesday night out...

BatsInHibernation · 21/04/2026 06:35

He wouldn't be my fiance for much longer and he would never be my husband

HortiGal · 21/04/2026 06:39

He was blind drunk, was restrained and here we have MN baying for you to dump him, I wonder just how many would dump a long term partner for the reasons demanded on MN? I’d guess not many.

IneedAniffler · 21/04/2026 06:40

Contrarymary30 · 21/04/2026 05:10

Isn't this just what happens on stag do's. I'd just let it go .

Not really - i don't know any men who would enjoy this. All my mates went on camping trips, martial arts trips, fine dining, concerts...spose I'm running with the wrong crowd