To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Do you really see yourself with this man long term? If yes he needs to show you some respect moving forward.

I bet he’s fuming this was found out by you and I wonder what happened that hasn’t been recorded?

I wonder if the lady that sent this you is trying to tell you something about your fiancée without being direct?

I found out on a lads night out dh’ mate went behind the club with a girl and they did more than kiss. DH’s mate had a wife at home and a child. DH felt too loyal to this ‘friend’ of 30 odd years to not say anything to the wife (dh and I never knew her as such) but dh has not been out with him since as he doesn’t agree with what the friend did. When dh told me, I did say if I saw this woman (the wife) I would tell her as she deserves to know however would I want that responsibility of potentially wrecking their marriage? Maybe not but if there was a video that could open her eyes to the kind of man her dh is then I’d certainly share it as a bit of banter.

No, it's what vulgar thugs do.

The majority? The majority you mix with, maybe. Have you done a survey?

’I had no choice’ is not an excuse. Of course he had a choice. He’s a grown man who I’m sure understands how to use the word ‘no’.
He did it because he wanted to.

Not unreasonable to call it off if this is going to be a hurdle she can’t get over. Better to call it off now than to be still thinking about it 5 years from now or using in future arguments.

Everyone has a line and he may just have stepped over the OP’s line.

End it.

All the people saying that it’s ok because it’s a stag do are delusional.
On a normal night out would it be ok? No.
Just because it’s a stag do, it doesn’t give men the right to be sexual/unfaithful with another woman. It’s not a green flag to get spanked/have a woman sit on your face because the night out has a title.

He was unfaithful and is trying to minimise it and his friends are just as disgraceful.

Show him the door

In the absence of other issues I wouldn’t dream of ending a relationship over this. Yes it’s sleazy and grim and embarrassing for him and I’d be furious. But unless it’s a pattern of behaviour or typical of how he acts towards women I would be able to move on 100%.

Someone above posted a very wise post about the fact that all the people telling you to LTB will barely remember this thread in a few days. Completely agree. Step away from Mumsnet and talk to your fiance and your good friends IRL. He fucked up. It doesn’t have to change the course of your lives unless that’s what you truly want.

Not quite the same is it 🙄

I would also strongly recommend reading So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson before you make any life decisions based on an internet crowd.

As long as you can let it go. Some people stay together but can’t get over it, making both parties miserable

I've got the ick by proxi.

Bin.

Excessive drinking is not news to anybody here, most brits are known for it Drinking and lewdness go hand in hand and at most stag dos, it's at its peak, so let's not act all shocked. Groups of britsh men heading for a stag do or women for a hen night are the worst kind to meet on a plane as they head off to celebrate their 'last night of singleness'. Posters come on MN to talk about their indiscretions and the feelings of guilt after evenings out with colleagues, even with husbands of their friends. If you're the type that feels drinking excessive alcohol (it is a fact that most brits drink excessively) is needed to celebrate a forthcoming marriage, then don't be surprised that many affairs will begin alongside the marriage.

It's a stag do. If they're all young - honestly - most of them end up doing things like this, especially when abroad.

It's naive to think otherwise (cue the pile on from people saying their husband would never consider it etc etc etc). Have it out with him, make him feel guilty for a few weeks, and move on.

A lot of these stag dos abroad don't end well.
Yes you get sleazy strip clubs in the UK but guys abroad seem to take it to another level.
Not a good start to married life.

I would hate this or anything like this. My worst nightmare would be a stripper. That said, I know some girls who would happily carry on with a stripper on a hen night and are otherwise respectable (and faithful). I've heard of situations where friends organise a stripper for a hen and she genuinely doesn't want to go ahead with it but friends really apply the pressure and the choice is stand your ground, ultimately walk out of your own hen night and cause a massive drama among your friends or just go along with it for the sake of peace. I can understand why someone would go along, it doesn't mean they bow to peer pressure in other situations, stags and hens really are a unique thing. I'd be furious too OP and humiliated but I think you can move on from it if you are content in the relationship otherwise. I also think those sharing the videos are really disrespectful to both of you.

For me this would depend on his reaction when you talk to him about it. If he is mortified, agrees with you how bad it was and this bevaviour is out of character I would forgive him and move on. If he gets defensive, tells you you're making a bit deal about nothing or "everyone does it" then I would be having second thoughts about marrying him.

It was his stag do ffs. They shouldn’t have had their phones out. In the old days, you didn’t have to worry about every single second being recorded.

Sure. I never had a clue stag nights could be that depraved. I guess I’m saying to the OP that it could have been A LOT worse. BUT struggling with behaviour that crosses where you draw your line will never get easier. Things eat away at us.

I was drunk once, so drunk that I couldn't even see straight and was swaying. My friends were drunk and hyper and shouting and had been pushing drinks onto me all night. Next thing I'm on a chair and some guy who came from I don't know where is grinding up against me in a thong. He is thrusting his crotch in my face. I was so out of it I couldn't make my body move but also someone had literally tied my hands so I couldn't do anything about it. I barely remembered the incident the next day and wasn't even sure if had happened as I remembered. But it turns out one of the girls recorded it, and sent it around. Everyone has seen it including my husband. He is accusing me of cheating and people are encouraging him to leave me. They are saying I'm always a cheater and a slut, incapable of being faithful. But I was genuinely out of it, far beyond a point of consent and was powerless to stop the incident happening, there is absolutely no way I would do something like this normally.

The bar for men truly is rolling around on the floor.

The expectation that they are all as grim as the OP's fiance.

The knowledge OP willprobably just go ahead and marry this revolting bloke.

No wonder so many men wander through life treating women badly when women accept this kind of shit.

My husband went to a football match with his mates - one of whom was ordained, two were lay preachers and one was the son of a vicar. Unsurprisingly there were no strippers.

No I will never understand it, I would not feel humiliation but pity that my partner did not respect themself let alone anyone else to carry on like this , and I would not feel I had any self respect if I stayed with someone who acted like this, and no not all men (or women) do this nor get so drunk they dont know what they are doing, so yes I would know my husband would never and never has

Some people have a low bar and some people have no bar at all, to behave like this or ignore behavour like this