To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Reading these replies has wound you up
i doubt the majority of posters would follow 1/2 the advice on here
the easiest thing in the world to be sat behind a keyboard saying what you would and wouldn’t do the real life reality I doubt many would blow there life up and cancel the wedding

Speaking for myself there are lots of scenarios I have no idea how I would readct and there are some like this one I know instantly what I would accept or not, what a person over 18 gets up to individually is none of my business if I am not in a relationship with them I dont care as long as it is legal

But as I mentioned before somewhere it is the lack of respect for themselves let alone me for I would take exception too, my husband and I may be considered boring on here but the reason I married him and we are still together 30 years later is he has not once ever crossed my very clear lines and I cant imangine I have ever crossed his, not that we have ever sat town and had a deep and meaningful over it

The fact he has self respect is the main thing that made me marry him in the first place

If it was a strip club or something i would 100% be LTB. In this case, it sounds more like drunken stupidness, i can imagine he was mortified and wanted it to be over.

Honestly, why would you want to marry someone who'd done this?
My DH would have never even wanted to do this and didn't.
Why because you're getting married do you have to be sexual with someone else? I find it so gross and pathetic.

You need to make your own decision about this. Please don’t be wound up or coerced into making a decision by posters who get a kick out of winding others up and making extreme statements; there’s an awful lot of them around! Wishing you well

He got drunk and acted a bit silly.

They all had a laugh and did nothing wrong.

Many women go a bit silly for their hen dos too.

The only person that did anything wrong was the person filming it and then sending it on. This is why phones should be banned on nights out.

You are completely overreacting.

Oh please, there are thousands of men who would never in a million years do anything like this. You just move in different circles if you don’t know any of them.

I don’t even know any man who would go on a stag weekend to Spain or Blackpool or wherever. It’s not something that happens in the circles I move in but I know that people lead very different lives from one another. I don’t think that people who don’t have husbands like mine are ‘ridiculous’.

Don’t put up with this shit behaviour now or ever. It would be over for me.

There's a lot of women trying to justify their shit taste in men and shitty husbands. Stop trying to gaslight us into agreeing it's all men, it isn't, it's YOUR men.

But if people are not doing anything wrong why would it matter if it is filmed?

Fascinating reading this and similar posts. Anyone whose husband or male friends have higher standards are: chanting mobs, shrieking, pearl clutching, holier than thou. Compare that to the language used by the women who think this was a deeply unpleasant thing to do: ummm, crickets.

Not one of us is 'baying', 'naive', 'sheltered'. For those of you stating that all our husbands do this and just don't tell us, what would it be like to just entertain for a tiny minute then idea you're wrong. Just flirt with the idea that the men you have chosen have lower standards and that you have chosen to support this by using phrasing like you do to demean other women, and to argue on their behalf that men will be men - indulgent chuckle.

If you yourself like commercial sexual exploitation and objectification of males or females, that's your business. But if you're arguing that men just can't help themselves, that it means nothing, and that they all do it, and you can't even tolerate the IDEA that not all men do to the extent you're using this sort of minimising language, maybe that's just your way of not feeling bad about the choices your man picked.

calling it off unless you believe this behaviour is acceptable.

My husbands been on several stag dos and none of them involved strip clubs. It’s about who he is. My husbands mates wouldn’t organise this because he’d hate it

I know a lot of this stuff goes on in ordinary bars in places like Benidorm.
Not judging the place as it has a great beach and some more sedate areas.
But there is a sort of ‘strip’ there, and this is accepted behaviour.
Juvenile fellas think this is hilarious behaviour. To them there is nothing sexual to it, it’s more about humiliating the stag.
Some men sadly find this stuff funny.
It doesn’t mean they are deviants, they don’t cheat or go to sex workers.
I am not saying it’s fine I find it grim.

Please trust me when I say with every fibre of my being that I would. I recognise you personally couldn't understand that decision, and that's fully your call for you, but you do not get to minimise or discount my right to state my own values.

Whilst I would agree with this the majority of times, I did have a time in Prague on a work team build event, and being one of only 2 females in the group, we went into a 'normal' bar and then at 11pm women appeared, stripped off and danced around poles, this was in 1988 (I am 61) so things may have changed but it was a shock when this happened on a work team event.

I am sure it has some amazzing areas but busy places like that would be my husbands idea of hell, it doesnt just have to be strippers or whatever we are to call the OP situation but to me it is no different to anyone saying 'all women would do...' all women or all men dont think or do exactly the same thing or even behave the same

why do people assume every single person of one sex does eveything the same?

Sorry op but I think you’re overreacting, along with 90% of posters on this thread

exactly. Don’t believe for a minute that what they say hypothetically would be what they’d do. Most would not.

But why do YOU feel humiliated OP?…………He was the one who was drinking all day long and behaving like a complete pillock!

Seemingly, his friends are of the same mindset……unable to have a good time without getting wasted!

Is this the model for their behaviour whenever there’s a stag event within the group in the future?

Id wonder what wasn't videoed tbh if the friend thought that was "funny" to share with your friend knowing youd see it.

This place might not have been a proper strip club, theres no way they didnt go to one where far worse would have happened.

Where was this stag do? If one of the "normal" bars provided women for entertainment, then it sounds likely that they all went to have sex and/or go to strip clubs.

I feel concerned that you're more bothered about his proximity and engagement with a semi-naked dancing woman, that he didn't even seem to encourage or enjoy, rather than the fact that he and his friendship group have disregard for women and their ability to consent to being used as sex objects.

Part of me agrees with this but it’s not like the video wouldn’t exist if OP hadn’t seen it. If this is what he’s like better to know sooner rather than later.

I'd be upset about this. And as a man I'd avoid this sort of place like the plague. I've been to my share of stag weekends where people have been very drunk amd done things they'd be embarrassed to see videos of afterwards. But nobody's ever been whipped and had a woman's genitals shoved in their face.

I'd have serious words with him about the inappropriate choice of venue, about the company he keeps, and about the risks associated with getting so bladdered he couldn't advocate for himself and get out of this situation.

On the other hand, if an obviously very drunk woman was stripped to her underwear by a strange man who proceeded to whip her and thrust his penis at her face I'd call that sexual assault. And if someone said they couldn't look at her the same afterwards and didn't want to be in a relationship because she should have resisted more I'd call that victim blaming.

So, I can see both sides. I'd personally recommend that the OP take her time and not rush into ending things over what admittedly does sound like a stupid and sleazy situation, but would be somewhat understanding if she couldn't move past this.

If you decide to go ahead with the wedding, think about how it's going to go. I wouldn't want this best man giving a speech at my wedding. I've seen a few awful sleazy ones and you already know what this guy is like given that he paid for and orchestrated the event. Could someone safer do the job?

Assuming your partner has been friends with these men for some time, then he must have had an idea what was in store for him??? Is your partner the first man within his friendship group to get married?? Is his own stag do, the first he's been on with his friends?? I suspect the answer to the latter is no!

Did he not give strict instructions beforehand, what he would or wouldn't want??? He's a grown adult, and if he'd said 'no strip joints or bars like it', then he could have refused to have entered the place! No one held a gun to his head and forced him inside!!

I absolutely hate drag shows, it's tacky and cringe, so I made it known before my bridesmaids planned my hen night, of that fact!!! Just as well as I did, as one of my bridesmaids had suggested it, to the other before I said anything!! I'd have refused to go, if it had been sprung on me!!

Yes, he went along with it. The only consolation is that because he was restrained, he couldn't touch the woman. I suspect that's the reason why the men are restrained in this act, so the woman doesn't get touched up by drunken men.