To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Agree. Unpopular opinion here because most MNers love to shout LTB about anything. In reality it’s unlikely they’d end their own relationships but they love to say it to others, maybe to make themselves feel superior. Those who disagree are usually told they should ‘raise their bar’ it’s all very predictable.

Obviously it’s gross behaviour. And I also think it was bitchy and snide of the other wife to send you it. I’d be very pissed off but if the relationship is otherwise good I wouldn’t be splitting up or cancelling the wedding. You know your dh. You know if this is out of character.

FWIW I have done some ridiculous things when drunk. I’m not proud but it’s not a reflection of my true character. Thankfully none of my friends are twatty enough to film it then send it to their spouses.

What age is he ? Looks to me like an under 28ish stag. As no fella over this age who hss became a man (10 years later at least than a woman) would do this. Or maybe he is first to get married ?

I wouldn't not marry over it but id see how he felt after and the lay of the land

And let's have a quick reality check, if that happened to you, would you be defending it to your boyfriend or crying about it? He certainly isn't doing the latter, because he isn't the victim he is painting himself.

Fwiw, most of us have experienced a fiery relationship with an unsuitable man and a whole load of heartbreak before we settle down with someone decent. He's the one before The One.

Oh bloody hell I feel so sorry for you that you had to see.that. Why on earth did she send it to you?

It sounds grim, immature and a bit sad. I would try to forget about it.

"Just be grateful it's over" 🤢

What a way to start a marriage. Being grateful that while your husband didn't have the spine to be respectful of you, and instead lay down and let himself be stripped, tied up, and had a woman grind her vulva on his face, because otherwise the men he surrounds himself with would've 'eaten him alive', at least it's over now!

You've just got the memories, and the video! And the knowledge that he didn't even have the decency to grovel in the aftermath.

Whatever happened to having some bloody standards?

FWIW I have done some ridiculous things when drunk. I’m not proud but it’s not a reflection of my true character.

Hmm. Yeah. No, it is.

This sounds like a place in Prague but I can’t remember the name of it. I think similarly to yourself about these sorts of places. Sorry I’ve no real advice, I don’t know what I’d do in this situation.

Ah yes. An internet stranger knows more about my character than me, the actual individual 😂

Makes perfect sense.

All men have not done this. Not all men are sleazy scum paying for sex workers. Some mean even think it's disgusting.

I'm so glad my husband and best man went to an air museum for his stag do!!😂😂

Even if what you do while drunk isn't a reflection of your character, at the very least, if you're hiding it from your partner because you know it will upset him, and then continuing to go out and drink and do that sort of thing again - that most definitely is a reflection of your character.

But I suppose it depends whether you're just acting like an idiot falling over the place, or whether you're letting a man grind his crotch on your face!

Never been to Shagamuf then?!!! 🤣🤣

Have you considered the video was sent to you because your fiance cheats on you and finally there was proof to show you the kind of man you were marrying @Aquadream ?

He could have said No. Even strippers know what consent is.

I don't blame you.

But firstly really consider whether you want to postpone or cancel the wedding. It's a big thing to do, but so is marrying the wrong person!

(Big Hug) I'm sorry you're going through this x

Your character is such that you are prepared to get so drunk, multiple times, that you will do things that you like to pretend are not your true character.

Who is the person choosing to get in this state? It's you!

No, they all are. Someone said it in this thread so it must be true.

You think the men you know are going fishing in the Scottish Borders or visiting an Air Museum, but actually they are watching women shoot ping-pong balls out of themselves on the Reeperbahn. ALL OF THEM!

No I have never let a man grind on my face.

I know not drinking is seen is a badge of honour here, I’m sorry to say that I am not infallible. I have made a fool of myself many times. Not so much in recent years. It doesn’t make me a bad human/wife.

As I said in my post, the grooms behaviour was grim and I would be pissed off. But only the op knows his character. She has every right to be annoyed but I’d caution against cancelling her wedding because a load of MNers told her to.

Finances will probably make you go ahead but I’d never be able to forgive dh for this betrayal.

Absolutely this.

My dh went go karting and then bowling. They had burger and chips. My dad and brother were there. Dh’s brother did go ape dressed as a banana. Harmless fun that isn’t gross and disrespectful of the woman you supposedly love.

It would be my ex-fiancé. No hesitation, his stuff would be outside when he arrived back and locks changed.

I was once going out with a guy who I had really fallen for. Then he told me that about 20 years earlier he had gone on a stag do and got up on a stage in some club in Spain and had sex with two prostitutes as all his friends cheered him on. Like proper sex with one and the other sat on his face and then he pulled out and masturbated over one of the women and came all over her face. All the men cheered.

I never got over this disclosure and it was the death of us. And this was 20 years before I knew him. I couldn’t respect him anymore let alone love him. I still think it’s the most grim and disgusting thing I’ve ever heard of about someone I actually know.

I don’t know if this is common practice or a very rare occurrence. I suspect cocaine plays a role and I dare say it maybe does with the OP’s DP?

OP this will eat you up.

But this is what the majority of men choose to do? once there is excessive drinking involved, morality is on the floor. I don't know why anyone is surprised, same for women.

Are you being unreasonable to feel humiliated? No,
Are you being unreasonable to call off the wedding? Probably.

It’s a stag do. That’s sometimes what happens. Neither of you are in the wrong per se.

If it’s a red line for you and you don’t think you can forgive him (as in not bringing it up for years to come) then of course you are perfectly justified in splitting with him. It sounds like you will have that in the back of your mind and maybe he’s not the one for you.