To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I think what would bother me the most is the claim that he had "no choice" in taking part in these activities. That just sounds weak and immature.

Too many men equal stag dos with visiting strip clubs and prostitutes. A decent partner would have made it clear to the person organising this that he was up for good time and some drinking but did not want any sleazy stuff involved.

I think you are perfectly right to be appalled and I would consider whether you really have the same values and whether marrying someone like this is what you want.

It was enough for me when I saw a photo of my husband wearing makeup with a raw chicken on a lead on his stag do. I still don’t know what the hell went on but stag dos are typically like this, If not worse then what you have described. I had the ick for years though it takes a while to look at them the same

It’s not about minimising her discomfort, it’s about giving her a reality check and remind her that many posters are only on here because they enjoy drama and advise posters to end their marriage because someone’s DP forgot to put the bins out.

Just because someone has a different opinion to you, doesn’t mean they are wrong or minimising someone’s discomfort.

For me and many other women, this would not be an issue at all.
I’m not going to lie just because other posters have said something else.
I am giving an honest opinion which is more helpful to OP.
If she chooses to not continue the relationship then I’d think she was being over the top but I’d still support her decision.

That is your opinion. The OP and many of us commenting on this thread don't have to share it and are perfectly entitled to see it as sleazy....

I assume the fact that you are referring to women as "females" might be a clue that you might in fact be a man just trying to shut down the discussion.

Good for you. Plenty of women actually have though.

That is your opinion. The OP and many of us commenting on this thread don't have to share it and are perfectly entitled to see it as sleazy....

I assume the fact that you are referring to women as "females" might be a clue that you might in fact be a man just trying to shut down the discussion.

This must feel horrendous OP, what a difficult situation to be in.

I think I'd be tempted to read him the riot act, tell him you are considering cancelling the wedding over it and see how hard he works to make you feel better about it.

I’m sorry if you’re offended by the wording but I was very much was talking in the context of the OPs post and the idea of hen and stag dos descending into these kind of messy “paid performances” and that this behaviour is fine because a) it’s in front of all your friends and so your partner has to be ok with it otherwise the are uptight and b) they’ve paid for it so the touching and behaviour isn’t inappropriate or cheating etc. Clearly very different in situations of assault but the OP seemed the clarify that he didn’t seem distressed or taken advantage of in the video.

Yes op. Your partner can report this horrific sexual assault he endured. It will be open/closed case as there's video evidence and witnesses. At the very least it could go on a resort FB group to warn others of this female.

What an awful thing to have happened to him.

I hate when posters on here claim other posters are men just to try and silence them.

I am very much a woman and will continue using the word female as much as I want thank you.

There are posters on here that share the same opinion as me.
We don’t need to think the same in order to share our opinions.

There will be things that I think are unacceptable that you may not have an issue with and that’s ok.

If OP wants to end her relationship over this then that’s completely her choice but I just hope that she doesn’t do it purely because posters are telling her to and have got in her head.

For many women this wouldn’t be a big deal. Even for those who are against it, it would just be a conversation about how if it happens again it would result in the end of the relationship.
But to plan to get married and then end a relationship over this is, in my book, quite extreme.

This. I would play him the video, make him watch it, and tell him that this is not the man I want to marry, and I’m not signing up for this. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.

Then be married (and further entangled) and more of this type of behaviour leaks out??

Out of sight out of mind as a life partner philosophy?

It is possible that your DP got swept along with the festivities and wasn't fully aware of what was going on. It's the slow constant fueling on alcohol that results in the stag being completely wasted at times, and I think some are naive to peer pressure when that intoxicated.

Many of the zero tolerance posters will definitely have parters that would act the same or go along with it, but have just not told them. Your parters aren't all the strong, assertive blokes you think they are.

"...have got in her head" ....sounds very diminishing / belittling of OP ...particularly after she wrote the thread...full of concern

Isn't it the 'slow constant fueling' of misogyny that is the problem?

So a woman put a man's genitals in her mouth at a party and that wouldn't make the groom rethink?

The big boys made me do it hasn't washed for years

What will you do when you have a three month old child, are sleep deprived and he says he's got to go on a week long Stag to Benidorm because he's a joint Best Man and all the lads are making him do it ?

I think the issue when a woman is sexually assaulted is that they generally haven't commissioned the services of the abuser?

But he didn't, his friends did....

What? You think this is great as it’s traditional/custom?

Let’s look back in time at the hundreds of things that were tradition/custom, YET, people wised up, saw them for what they were and decided it was not appropriate to move forward as tradition/custom.

Slavery, that was an accepted custom. Pushing your daughters off at 12yo to marry a 40yo widower if you were not a wealthy family, that was accepted custom. We men having zero rights and being the legal possessions of their fathers and husbands, that was accepted custom. Slaughtering animals at alters and putting their organs here and there to please God (check out the Bible, very descriptive in this sense). So, so many more.

At some point, people decide to ‘do better’ and stop that shit and say it’s no longer appropriate as custom/tradition. If that’s not what people are doing with this then it says a lot about them.

No way I would have accepted that from DH. It would have meant he was not the man I thought I was marrying. And, especially with ‘peer pressure’, I didn’t believe I was marrying a man who pulled that bs. DH once left a stag night early, a stripper appeared (and yes, he may have been stupid accepting and not clarifying what was planned, but he assumed people didn’t do that anymore, as per his stag night), so he just left. He didn’t make an excuse of a headache or dodgy belly, said he didn’t believe it was appropriate and left the evening at that point. If people no longer wanted to be friends with him, it was fine by him. I’m very confident none of my sons would do differently either.

Many posters are not on here because they enjoy drama. Many posters have ignored awful behaviour like this and instead of freeing themselves from the misogyny and derogatory view; they went on to marry and have children with this type of man. And many of us are paying a very high price for that.

With sight of the video, the OP is free to make an informed choice. Why it was sent to her is unknown but goodness knows there're lots of people here hell bent on shooting the messenger.

If you're someone who cackles in your girly gang, gets pissed every weekend and falls over backwards with your legs in the air after one too many cinzanos (how fun it is for this pearl clutcher to stereotype and ridicule those with opposite opinions) maybe it's accepted tradition. For other people it damages their relationship and lowers their opinion of their partner.

Sounds like you'll still marry him but you really, really, really shouldn't.

There are PLENTY of men out there who don't get plastered and let a woman whip them and sit on their face when they have a fiance. These men actually respect and love their partners and aren't grim and disgusting with disgusting mates who pay women for their consent to sexual acts.

I wouldn't marry a cheating man like this. Absolutely no way.

Many of the zero tolerance posters will definitely have parters that would act the same or go along with it, but have just not told them. Your parters aren't all the strong, assertive blokes you think they are.

And you know this how?

Oh, it’s from the same school of thought as ‘All men weaponise incompetence, watch porn and get lap dances on stag weekends’ . It’s easier than admitting you just chose badly.

Yes its great that op has clear evidence his friends arranged for him to be sexually assaulted, and the attacker will be easily caught too.