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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

790 replies

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 21/04/2026 14:09

Having friends who see sexual humiliation as entertainment would be enough for me to call time with a partner. Imagine going out with your husband's mates and not trusting them not to behave in a sexually inappropriate manner as soon as they have a few drinks inside them. Awful.

NotThisShitAgain121 · 21/04/2026 14:58

I would not be marrying him - huge red flags!

notacooldad · 21/04/2026 15:16

Sorry for derailing the thread, I can't work out how to PM.... Would you mind sharing the strategies you have your boy? Mine is slightly younger and so far is happy with just saying no thanks but we need better options for when the peer pressure really starts to build!

Hi.I posted Today 08:13 about strategies that worked for us.
We talked informally from time to time that part of being a man was making choices that were right the tbing to do and they even if others tried to persuade them to make bad decisions.
Ds2, in particular, heard from me and his dad loads " you didn't think this through did you' when he did something daft that it became ingrained !
😆 🤣 😂

Butterme · 21/04/2026 15:49

Anyahyacinth · 21/04/2026 12:31

"...have got in her head" ....sounds very diminishing / belittling of OP ...particularly after she wrote the thread...full of concern

Show quote history

You reading it as being diminishing/belittling, says more about you than it does about me.

She is vulnerable and in a life changing situation.

Posters telling her to LTB or to not go ahead with the marriage is likely not thinking of her best interests.
I personally think that is extreme.

The best thing would be for her to not make any rash decisions and take some time to decide what’s best for her.

MustWeDoThis · 21/04/2026 17:48

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

This is not new. Stags have been happening since forever. Everyone needs to stop being so precious and offended over everything! For goodness sake! What did you think he was going for and going to do on a stag abroad!? Sit around drinking tea and eating cake!? Get a grip!

Ficinothricegreat · 21/04/2026 17:57

Well tbh, I’d say a lot of men would have done them sane (yes even the “my DH would never have done this brigade”).

My DH had a lap dance at his stag do. It’s what happens on stage dos.

now just waiting for the

  1. not my husband
  2. queries re standards
nearly all your husbands have done this
tommyhoundmum · 21/04/2026 17:57

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 20/04/2026 21:13

That’s good.x

Show quote history

I think I hope you can get over this. The woman should never have sent the video to you. Rise above it. Only you know the value and quality of your relationship.

AlertPinkHiker · 21/04/2026 17:57

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Get out of there quick that's so disgusting

MMUmum · 21/04/2026 17:58

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Depends if you think you can ever 'unsee' it, i.e do you think you will always see this every time you are intimate?

Peach2425 · 21/04/2026 17:59

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

If this was my partner there would be no marriage! I am not nieve to the fact, that type of behaviour goes on. But my partner knows I would not accept that and nor would I behave in such a way. It is a complete disrespect to you and your relationship! Thats a behaviour of a young 20 year old who should be single. Not a grown man who is about to dedicate his life to a woman! Its very immature and it boils me that so many men think this is acceptable and use the excuse of drinking or pier pressure as an excuse for them acting in such a way! I'd definitely be questioning his honour towards you as a wife.

AmpleTraybake · 21/04/2026 17:59

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Unpopular opinion maybe but I don’t get stag dos?
whats the actual point of them?
hes filthy man and thats who you are going to marry. Think carefully

Jane143 · 21/04/2026 18:02

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 20/04/2026 21:10

If he didn’t kiss her or touch her in any way I would be upset initially but like a previous poster said, I’d probably take it as part of the stag if this behaviour is massively out of character for him? His friends sound immature.

Whoever sent you the video was sending you a juicy hook to stir up some drama. Don’t give her the pleasure of biting. She has tried to humiliate you. xo

I agree. It’s typically stereotypical male stag night behaviour. This also happens at ladies hen nights too (male strippers) I’d be a bit upset but certainly wouldn’t let this spoil my wedding. This sort of behaviour is normal at stag do’s

Inexpertjuggler · 21/04/2026 18:02

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I’m pretty sure it was something like this that prompted Kerry Katona to divorce her first husband. She had small children at the time too. It counts. Don’t marry him

Jane143 · 21/04/2026 18:03

MustWeDoThis · 21/04/2026 17:48

This is not new. Stags have been happening since forever. Everyone needs to stop being so precious and offended over everything! For goodness sake! What did you think he was going for and going to do on a stag abroad!? Sit around drinking tea and eating cake!? Get a grip!

Show quote history

Absolutely agree

Judecb · 21/04/2026 18:04

I'm sorry but he sounds like a sleazy, low quality individual. Is this the person you want to spend the next 50 years with and possibly raise children with??

Sometimessmiling · 21/04/2026 18:04

Random321 · 20/04/2026 21:07

She's clearly stirring....is her DH not actively involved too?

Was your partner really enjoying and encouraging it or did he look in anyway resistant, embarrased or awkward?

Or was she trying to warn you that more than that happened..

JJMama · 21/04/2026 18:05

I mean it’s all a bit yuck, but if you know he’s like this, ie easily led or a liar, then I guess you’re okay. Otherwise bin off.

Better you found out now what he’s like. He should at least own it rather than say “my friends made me do it”. Sounds like he’s about 12.

Myli1 · 21/04/2026 18:06

I might be in the small minority here, but this just sounds like standard fare for a stag party. If it was purely a one-off, (and it is to be hoped you only get married once!) then personally I’d let it go, but make it known that I was not comfortable with it.

MMAS · 21/04/2026 18:07

Absolutely this

Sometimessmiling · 21/04/2026 18:08

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 21:10

@Random321 id say looked awkward but he was clearly very drunk

@Pallisers it wasn’t free the best man paid for it apparently

At the wedding it will be brought up and talked about.......I would bail
If it was the other way around he would be very upset

Justbreathagain · 21/04/2026 18:10

Urgh. Just no sorry OP this would be a line crossed for me. Did you discuss what his stag do plans were ? Were you expecting this sort of thing and we're ok with it ? If not .. I'd leave

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 21/04/2026 18:11

Up thread, I believe it was stated that the best man paid for the dance, or set it up. Well one of the conditions I'd make, he would no longer be the best man, or even any old man at the wedding. In fact I might let the wedding go ahead and just not turn up give prospective o/h some of his own humiliation.

laesosalt · 21/04/2026 18:13

Definitely not what all stags do 🙈 Awful behaviour!

pouletvous · 21/04/2026 18:15

Are you sure you want to marry this douchebag?

JohnnysMama · 21/04/2026 18:15

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Leave him now. Morally weak man, not a good husband material