To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

It’s an historic custom for the men to dine/drink the night before a wedding to celebrate [commiserate] the ascent into a new stage of adulthood. It was often hosted by the stag’s father and yes, involved drinking, and maybe a days fishing or hunting. But it is only since the 1960s/70s that they seem to have transitioned into the debauchery that people are trying to pass of as acceptable and [PML] ‘historic’.

So, no, a three day bender with semi naked women grinding on the stag’s face is not tradition. And even if it was, does it make it any more acceptable in 2026?

If women as a collective class cannot come together to agree this is unacceptable, it will never stop and men’s behaviour will continue to devolve.

Eww what an ick. What else will he do when he goes out without you in the future? You're still going to marry him by the sounds of it though?

If women as a collective class cannot come together to agree this is unacceptable, it will never stop and men’s behaviour will continue to devolve.

Women won’t come together as a collective on this as most of us wouldn’t have an issue with it.

I wouldn’t have an issue with this and I wouldn’t have an issue with any females wanting a male stripper dancing all over them when it’s their celebration.

It’s just a bit of fun, there was no harm done.

I know of a few men who think this is standard stag do behaviour. It doesn’t make it right. Many men would not go home and tell their partners what they had got up to either. I think the clue is how they behave in a normal night out and who they choose to socialise with. You are not the one who should be embarrassed.

How revolting.
I’m afraid he’s just not suitable DH material.
Make your lucky escape now.

It’s just a bit of fun, there was no harm done.

OP feels humiliated and is rethinking her relationship. That is the harm that has been done.

If it gets her out of a marriage that was not right for her then it was a very good thing.

Obviously, I was talking about the stag do.

Of course I wasn't talking about the marriage? What a ridiculous idea. Why would getting married be humiliating for a man?

What a weirdly misogynistic idea that women have to talk men into getting married and having children.

Clearly, all the men online complaining that women no longer want to get married and have children with them don't look on getting married as humiliating for men.

On the contrary, it would appear that it's women who don't want to get married these days.

I've know a far amount of men getting married and none of them have had a stag night similar to OP's partner's.

It isn't obligatory for a stag night to involve sleazy behaviour and sexual interaction with other women.

So this man was so drunk his memory is very patchy and he doesn't really remember much about the act at all. It also doesn't sound like he was participating, it was being done to him rather than him performing an active role. He was incapacitated by drink, wasn't able to consent, and was sexually assaulted, with his "friends" complicit in the assault (by paying for it).

I actually feel a bit sorry for him, and don't think he deserves to be vilified. If he was a woman in this situation, he would be getting far more support. I think he needs to reconsider who his "friends" are.... Friends don't actively participate in the sexual assault of their friends....

'Fascinating reading this AND SIMILAR POSTS'. Highlighting for the hard of reading.

99% of the women I know would not see it as a bit of fun. And the OP clearly doesn’t which is really all that matters.

But you do you. Minimise a woman’s obvious discomfort and carry on. 👍

Interesting it was mine that you chose to quote. (Considering I didnt do the things you were talking about)

I'm not hard of reading. But you are rude.

I’m so sorry OP. My head would be all over the place now as I’m sure yours is.

It’s quite usual that partners were there too?
I would feel quite betrayed my all those involved. Its so strange that stag dos and hen dos are still flying the “last night of freedom” flag when its not in anyway shape or form correct! Would they encourage this on any other night out?

I suppose.you have some soul searching to do on how you want to play it. You may want to consider also whether the stag do will get bought up at the actual wedding too in a bestman speech. I’ve seen that happen which I find incredibly disrespectful in front of the bride’s parents.

I think his attitude is defensive. I hope the same attitude back is allowed when you have a well endowed stripper at your hen do!

Your DH sounds a weak immature man, its up to you wether this is attractive to you and wether you wish to trust such a man.
Bottom line is its your choice and opinion that matters.

Whatever the financial implications of calling off the wedding may be, a divorce will be worse. Marry him and you will be back in a year because he has cheated on you.

I mean how drunk was he? If he's that drunk he doesn't know what's going on then It wouldn't be a big deal (TO ME, not saying that's your case) I have been so drunk before, admittedly years ago, that I would have gone along with pretty much anything. I'm not saying it's ok if he was that drunk, but we all make mistakes and his mates might have been buying him drinks all night and egging him on, before you know it he's off his face. Is he sorry he's hurt you? Is he embarrassed? If he's both those things, I would forgive and move on. If he's not, then it would be another issue.

Maybe the woman who sent the photos knows from her partner that far more went on, and she’s giving OP the information required for her to do her own investigation…

OP, put it this way - are you actually going to go through with a farce of a wedding now, knowing that everyone has seen that?

Unfortunately, he is a man of low integrity who surrounds himself with others of the same character. Actions speak for themselves, drunk or not.

You really can do so much better than this.

It will be very hard, but it's far better to extricate yourself now, rather than a few years down the line. If you feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for the 'friend' who sent you the footage and seems to think this kind of behaviour is inevitable on a stag.

It is not.

They did not need to go to that particular destination. The fact they went there, of all places in the world, tells you who they are.

Loads of men manage to have a stag without this kind of thing. Who knew! It's very easy to avoid. This is obvious. Don't let anyone convince you that it's "what all stags do... oh, they had been drinking all day ... oh, but the best man paid for it" blah blah blah. Load of utter shite.

Would you pay for this kind of thing - for yourself or a friend? I'm sure you wouldn't because you actually have sound principles. Don't lower yourself into a mindless, tacit collusion with the sex trade - which is essentially what this is when all is said and done. I'm sorry to say all this, but sometimes things happen for a reason. You have dodged a bullet here.

Yes, that phrase 'clutching at pearls' is always used to belittle women who assert boundaries around sex.

No, I understand that she may be fully in control and benefitting from her choices. It's not for me to say if she's degrading herself. Her choice.

I think who she is degrading is other women who don't have that choice.

@Aquadream i wouldn't be getting married .
This is crossing a boundary for me . Dis respectful and would show me what my life would be like .
No trust and he can’t even own it he’s lying to you .

Contrary to many people here I would question how voluntary this was. The "friends" took him to a strip club that didn't appear to be a strip club, restrained him and put him in a vulnerable position, videoing the whole thing and sharing the video for a laugh... it's pretty grim. You've seen the video - how much control over the situation does he seem to have?

This is about him not you so I voted YABU for feeling humiliated.

However, would I want a lifetime partnership with a man who behaved like this, or regularly got so drunk he didn't know he was doing this or spent a lot of time with other men who thought this was fun? No way.

Most of us have done something stupid when drunk but we don't usually go against our basic values. Some men grow out of immature tosser tendencies and become decent humans. Many don't.

I'd try and put aside feelings of humiliation or disrespect, as those will cloud your judgement with anger and make you want to get revenge. Instead, look coldly and carefully at who he is. How out of character is this? How easily led is he? What are his attitudes to women? Then you have a short time for an important decision.

@Aquadream I find hen do’s cringe and wouldn’t attend a male stripper and I’m no prude.
I’ve also no idea who magic mike is.

Funnily enough as a women I’ve never been so drunk that despite being in a relationship I’ve let a stranger put their genitals onto my face

I have an issue with this statement. In the context of OP's post, I see what you're saying but unfortunately drunk women do get harassed and much, much worse. Is it their own fault for 'letting' a bastard sexually abuse them when they're vulnerable and can't consent? I think context is everything. If the man is using alcohol as an excuse for his poor behaviour, he's a sleazy bastard. But if someone took advantage of his drunken state to get sexual with him, it's not ok. Man or woman.