To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I wouldn't be marrying him.
Honestly? I'd consider that being unfaithful and i'd end the relationship.
Ended my own engagement in Feb because of my boundaries about what is unfaithful being crossed.

Urgh- you are right to back off and think about this. As you stand up with DP at the front, about to marry and make the biggest commitment, you will be aware that the last time the stag portion of the congregation saw your DP in the spotlight was with a woman grinding in his face - when he was meant to be celebrating meeting the woman of his dreams- I get it’s also saying goodbye to single life, but where is the respect? - totally humiliating

One thing I've learned in life is that it doesn't matter what other people say is fine. If something crosses your boundary and makes you uncomfortable, then it is not okay for you.

When I was younger I allowed myself to be talked into believing that I was overreacting or plain wrong because "everyone else" or "normal" people all thought something that I didn't like was fine. I regretted doing that every time.

Now I stick to my own boundaries whatever anyone else thinks.

She's no friend of yours.

I mean, good for her but... I don't buy it.

Individually, the women may benefit, but women as a class are disadvantaged when they are bought and sold as sex objects.

Why did your friend send this video to you and to a group chat, at that?

Was she sending it in a “look at this horrible behaviour, I am divorcing my bloke because he was complicit in this, and I think you should reconsider your wedding” way?

I don’t understand why she would not communicate with you privately if it was intended to be helpful.

Back to the main point, have you asked your fiance if he would be happy if you behaved like this on your hen night?

Agree with PP that he either needs much stronger boundaries and/or better friends.

Sounds disguasting. I wouldnt want to marry a man who does this. Had no choice?! Ridiculous. Drinking all day is also disgusting.

Hence the world famous Ecclefechan Tart !!

I agree that may well be the case in some instances particularly as you say they are bought and sold and don’t have a choice in the matter, but in her case and others she worked with (most of whom were students funding uni) they did so through free choice and in her words was easy money. As she said, may as well use my assets to my advantage. Some may see that as her degrading herself, but each to their own as they say.

Ecclefechan, nuff said.

Nope. He's a grown man and perfectly capable of saying no without anyone mocking him. Some things are a step too far, and I am very far from a prude. Lowering herself onto his face? Did he give her oral?

This is so difficult, and happened to me. I did go ahead and marry, which was a mistake. I knew he was not a man with a character I respected. If he couldn't respect me about this, then he would never put me above what his friends.

My prediction was correct, and we were divorced 5 years later. I have my children from the marriage, so in that sense I dont regret it.

I wouldn't be thinking about postponing the wedding, as there will be another stag do. Imagine how anxoius and distressed you will feel before that one. Just make a decision about whether this man has the respect for you to stand up to his friends.

Humiliating the groom is perfectly normal for a stag night. There is no way DP wanted this.

As for the woman. She wasn't the one being degraded in this scenario, the groom was.

Having said that if it's upset the OP then clearly ending the relationship.is the best thing to do rather than going ahead with a commitment she's no longer sure about. Better to split now before it's too late.

Sorry for derailing the thread, I can't work out how to PM.... Would you mind sharing the strategies you have your boy? Mine is slightly younger and so far is happy with just saying no thanks but we need better options for when the peer pressure really starts to build!

Not really pertinent to the bloke's behaviour but I'd like some context of the tone in which his "best mate's" wife and your friend, sent you this film.
Was meant to be a "look at what they've been up to, boys will be boys" lighthearted message?
An angry "have you seen what our partners have been up to - I'm going to kill him when they're back!" sent to give you a heads up as to what you're marrying and what his mates are like?
Or was it sent as a deliberate attempt to upset you and derail the marriage?
How's she reacted to this footage?

Surely a grown man should have the capacity to not allow himself to be put into a situation that is going to result in his humiliation?

And if he doesn't, chances are it, or something similar, could happen again if he were to go to friends' stag dos.

Clearly he can't help himself if he's that weak.

The whole episode sound like a particularly unpleasant, sleazy club 18-30 evening (yes I know club 18-30 no longer exists) and I think OP has good reason to feel extremely upset and unsure over it.

The stuff that happened on my DHs stag do would have most of MN dumping him immediately (strip club, on stage, pants pulled down etc). His friends were all idiots and he was no better for going along with it. But hes a wonderful man who is my best friend, makes me laugh every day, is a brilliant dad and I find myself thankful every day I married him. He hasn't been to a strip club since and acknowledges he shouldn't have done it in the first place but on balance, that one stupid night doesnt negate everything else about him

Only you know if he is a great guy who did a stupid thing or if he is someone who is likely to get up to this stuff regularly

Also I think his friend is a dick for taking the video and sharing it

Why would anyone send this video to you?

I would bet at least 50% of the posters on here, have a partner who has seen/witnessed/egged on something like this. It's bad taste, harmless ridicule of the stag. It's practically a historic custum/tradition.

She's not 'stirring'. Time and again we get the question 'should I tell my friend that her OH is cheating?' and the answer is always in favour of telling her. This is no different.

If he felt pushed into performing a sexual act with this woman, he is at best easily led.

I think it was sent because the sender wanted the kudos for being the partner who was in the know regarding the goings on.

We live in a crazy world and some people need the warped recognition that’s part of things these days.

Surely a grown man should have the capacity to not allow himself to be put into a situation that is going to result in his humiliation?

Wait, are you talking about the marriage or the stag night?

So no. I don't think men look forward to their stag night, the objective of a stag night is not for him to have a good night. It just a tradition that has to be endured.

Most men also aren't very enthusiastic about getting married and having kids, and no-one minds them getting talked into that.

Men are just looking to go with the flow and follow the path of least resistance. So succumb to pressure to get married and pressure to have a stag night whether it's in their best interests or not.

This. We all know what stag dos can be like, does that mean none of the men deserve to get married? I went to see some strippers a few years ago and it was far more extreme than this, I spent half the night hiding in a corner praying they wouldn't pick me out of the crowd. Likewise I've known best men hire strippers for the stag and in the heat of the moment they do just go along with it even if they are mortified. It's tacky but it could be far worse. I remember being on a break in Amsterdam watching stag groups go into the working girl shops, pressuring each other to go in so they all had a secret so nobody would tell when they got home to the bride. So yes it could be far worse. Personally if I was unhappy I would express that but then tease DH about it on every occasion I got. I also wouldn't trust the messenger. What if DH had already told you all about it then she showed you the video, she's stirring the pot

Peer pressure when you’re a teenager is a fair excuse. I got peer pressured into doing silly things the first few times I got drunk. IMO once you’re a grown adult it’s not an acceptable excuse. If you know you’re silly/a liability when drunk and you’re over 25, don’t get drunk.

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