To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I know that this must be really upsetting for you and I would be upset in this situation but I honestly feel like it could be so much worse… it isn’t great that men let themselves get in these situations at all and he should be apologising, but is it worth delaying your wedding?

I agree with the poster who said take a step back from this thread. This is your relationship and only the two of you know how much damage this can cause and whether you can work through it. I just think in situations like this, sometimes getting the opinions of so many people who know nothing about your relationship won’t help you.

No. We just have higher standards than you and mix with people who have higher standards than you. Try working on your self-esteem and raise your bar. You don't have to put up with this shit from men.

@Aquadream
There are so many posts about these bloody awful stag dos.
There is no way id be with a man who thought any of this was ok, nor the circle of friends he kept.

There are other ways to celebrate a stag do. It doesnt have to involve getting drunk (no excuse for his behaviour just because he was drinking all day) it doesn't have to involve strippers or simulated sex acts or any other morally wrong event.

I find it baffling that ANYONE male or female thinks its ok to do these things, under the guise of "but im getting married soon"
Totally and utterly the wrong way to go into a wedding.

Id be out. My skin would be crawling.
He has no boundaries, you need some!!

100% agree

@HessianSack yeah sorry but personally id rather my man was morally responsible and left the sexual stuff to me and him and doesnt drink himself into a state where he cant remember anything.....got damn these high standards and morals 🙄🤣

Infinitely less than the cost of a divorce…

@mommatoone interesting. Ive worked in male dominated environments for 25 years, and I have the total opposite experience than you. Not all men would take part in such acts stag do or no.

Must be different circles....im in the one where men have respect for their relationships and partners, have boundaries and morals. I know where id rather be

I never called anyone a pearl-clutcher, suggested that anyone's husband is lying to them, I neither called anyone naive nor sheltered. In fact, I didn't call anyone anything.

You are righton one count, I did point out the mob mentality of "LTB" on MN by people who have absolutely no skin in the OPs relationship and nothing to lose by simply posting "LTB" without evening knowing the OP, her fiance or their relationship patterns.

I merely implored the OP to stop and think very carefully before making a decision that she might regret. And offered her some hope.

Definitely over reacting. Typical stag do behaviour .

I just think if you’ve got doubts before hand and you can save yourself a divorce it’s always best to at least postpone.

We don’t know if op has children yet but again if she doesn’t and his already on dodgy the this stops the lots. It can save a lot of heartache to walk away now.

We all learn our hard lines as we grow.

Ops free to walk down the aisle tomorrow, postpone or just walk away completely if this is her wtf who even are you moment.

I do agree that the bar seems to be very low for men though.

Clearly boys will be boys sticks from toddler hood to these men who do just have to engage with sex workers and strippers for bants and it’s what men do crap. Sad really.

I agree with this. How many women get pissed up with penis straws everywhere and get grinded on by half naked strippers? Often the hens go out their way to make it as crazy as possible! If a man came on here wanting to leave his fiancee cause she went out for a night like that would get crucified on here.

Actually this happened on the Mormon Wives show a while back and one guy was really torn into by acting so angry and controlling for having a go at his wife over a night like that

Absolutely 💯 this

I wonder how he would feel if you went to somewhere like that and a guy placed his penis near your face, tied your hands and rubbed himself on you? My guess is he wouldnt be happy.

He wasnt forced at all. I bet if it was a male stripper that was part of the act, dressed in bondage gear, he would find his voice and strength pretty quickly.

That would totally give me the ick.

It’s a woman’s fault that a man acted so grossly and she has decided to warn another about his behaviour? My hen do I stayed far away from any activities which would have disrespected my now ex husband! It’s not difficult.

No. It's typical stag do behaviour from your circle of friends.

If carried on like that i would leave myself let alone expect my husband to stay with someone who thinks that little of themself

It is not cute or funny or anything else to me expect tacky male or female doing it

I don’t know any women who had strippers at their hens either. Inflatable Willy or Willy head hoppers yeah but no half naked men.

Curries, spa weekends, cocktail making trips. No strippers. No prostitution.

Last thing I want is some randoms willy thrusting near my face 😅 and yes I’ve watched magic mike on tv only but the reality is some sweaty mans nob by my nose. No thank you.

Op you are not unreasonable to have boundaries and if this is really a deal breaker for you then that’s fine. However you are crackers to allow yourself to be so influenced by a bunch of internet strangers. Some people have very weird agendas and often dish out advice they would never take themselves. If you really are thinking about cancelling the wedding then I would speak to someone trusted in real life, someone who knows you/your dh and has your best interests at heart. Don’t let faceless internet people who you don’t know and who ultimately have no investment in your life help to shape your future in such a big way.

Would you mind sharing them please?
I have a few teens here!

Ds had a gang of friends that were on the whole a decent bunch but one of them was ( and still is).a complete dickhead. He was always coming up with ideas that could potentially get the lads in trouble but the group felt pressured into following him.

I told ds that he wouldn't be the only one not wanting to do something but nobody would speak up.
I said all you need to say is ' mate you really have thought this through have you?, tell you what, you lot go ahead and I'll catch up with you later im going to McDonald's. " He said that his other friend' I'll come with you' and the rest of them followed them. I explained that most of the group would feel uncomfortable but if you said something that's not necessarily challenging or confrontational , others may feel they've got a way out as well.

He has also used the line ' you know my mum is psycho! I'll be grounded for a a month, no way is that crap worth being grounded'

Being able to say no without being beillgerent gave him a real confidence that has stayed with him as he matured into being an adult.

Best case scenario is your OH is decent, was drunk and incapable and his mates are dickheads. So do you want to marry someone who choses to be mates with dickheads, and what impact will they have on your life?

Worst is your OH is also a dickhead. He didn't accidentally book a stag do to a sleaze fest thinking it would be sightseeing museums and cookery classes did he? He chose to go to known sleazeville with a load of dickheads to get blind drunk. So presumably that's a side of him you were either aware of and OK with or you hadn't fully thought through yet. We don't know if you have that side to you too, how compatible you are in other ways, if there are other issues like he's a problematic binge drinker or if he's drunk on half a shandy and his mates stiched him up. That's all for you to weigh up.

In my experience, the women who do this are the ones who end up divorced.

What I find bemusing is the ‘men have always been like this/Stags and lewdness are a rite of passage’.

They haven’t and they aren’t. The lewd stag weekend has only become part of British culture in the last 40 years, once travel became cheap and access to the sex strips of parts of Europe became possible. For a small sector of loutish, misogynistic men.

My father, FiL and their peers did NOT go on a 3 day bender and visit a brothel the night before their wedding in the typical towns and villages of the UK - they went to the effing pub. Got bladdered and appeared at the church/registry office looking a little worse for wear. That was all.

Cheap travel in the 90’s means that access to these places was opened and recent SM endeavours to normalise… as do the permissive, jaded responses of women on this site. Films like the Hangover Trilogy also affirm the myth - and it is a myth: after all how many real Americans can afford a multi-day piss up in Las Vegas or Thailand? Really?

My DH and his mates definitely did NOT have stags like this 20odd years ago because they took their dads, who would have had a heart attack at the types of venues women are passing off as ‘just a thing men do in their final hoorah’. My DH had his stag in Barcelona, with his dad. The ritual humiliation was that all the stags wore teeshirts with a picture of DH aged 11 on it. They drank a shed load, played a hungover game of golf on golf carts that had yet more booze on them, but they never took FiL or anyone else to a strip bar. His best mate’s stag was in NY, also with my FiL in tow. They all went dressed as Elvis, oddly got interviewed by the local press as there was a big game on (baseball I think) and the locals thought it was hysterical that a bunch of nearly 40yo Elvises (plus one 70 yo) were in the sports bars watching it.

And no, I am not deluded. A lot of men do actually love and respect their partners (and the other female relatives in their lives). Many of them understand the sex industry involves exploitation, links to drugs etc and their careers mean that any dabbling, if discovered, could have embarrassing-to-disastrous impacts on their careers. Many of them are just going to talk shit/sport/etc and have beers with male mates and step away from household chores and the constant wedding talk… not every man is governed by their penis.

I worked on the trading floor in my life before kids. I KNOW there are men that go to strip bars on a Friday night (my whole trading desk would do this and leave me closing out trades and sales posisitions on the desk). It was the reason I left the team and the bank as I felt uncomfortable in a team where men felt it was okay to do this and rub female team members’ faces in it. However, I chose NOT to marry a man who felt this behaviour was okay - because for most people, it really isn’t. And it is totally OK for women to say so and make relationship decisions around it.

I worked on the trading floor in my life before kids. I KNOW there are men that go to strip bars on a Friday night (my whole trading desk would do this and leave me closing out trades and sales posisitions on the desk). It was the reason I left the team and the bank as I felt uncomfortable in a team where men felt it was okay to do this and rub female team members’ faces in it. However, I chose NOT to marry a man who felt this behaviour was okay - because for most people, it really isn’t. And it is totally OK for women to say so and make relationship decisions around it.

See this is where I think the thread diverges. Those are two different kinds of men.

One type who do it every Friday night like the blokes in your team, perhaps spending family money on their kinks, escaping from their family to do this etc etc

Another type for whom it is completely out of character, happens once or tewice in their life when they got swept up/pressured/coerced/made silly choices in some silly outdated stag-do crap on their stag.

Neither are ideal of course, but they are not the same in my view.

I know the issue of strip clubs is very emotive particularly the perception that women are exploited (which may well be the case in some instances) and men who go to such places are the scum of the earth. I worked beside a woman who legitimately worked as a stripper/ lap dancer to fund her way through uni. She said the women loved it when stag dos came in as the more dances they did, the more they got paid. In her words the men were the exploited ones.

That would be cheating to me, plus I wouldn't be able to even look at a man who did that because he "had no choice" let alone anything else.

I couldn’t respect a grown man who buckles under peer pressure.