AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

You need to read the full thread and in particular, the OP's comments. We're WAY beyond your suggestion.

@HolyCheeses

BS Bingo

"You do realize that this means the end for us" (Yes, yes I realize you will have already told him this. He'll say it anyway)

"Your DC will be so disappointed"

"We can always negotiate" (this will be said in an effort to get you 'in the door' at a lower rate and then demand you increase your 'contribution' after you have no place else to go)

lol totally missed the 39 pages. I only saw one. Clearly multitasking is working for me today (or any other day for that matter)

Threads like this are why I hang out on Mumsnet. Women are still looking out for other women.

Bb I let you make the renovation decisions to your liking to build you your dream home.

truth, I used your designs because I know you have good taste and I didn’t know where to start.

Do get a new thread OP

You’re judging me as though I’m like your exH, you need therapy to get over your past!

I think this is the first time I have seen this one written out. And it took me back a bit reading it.
ExP who I had starting seeing about two years after my divorce, this was his favourite line whenever I inserted any boundry.

But agree with a pp. A thread of (majority) woman supporting woman is like MN from the good old days.

Slightly addictive thread to read! I found it interesting, about his original annoyance re. his contribution to a holiday. Going by the expenditure you’ve outlined, on Sky, on cleaners, on food, on dog walking, etc he’s obviously a man who is VERY comfortably off. Maybe that was part of his attraction even, let’s be honest (he may even realise this). But, his attitude over a simple holiday, shows you the kind of glasses he’s really looking through. As for the spreadsheet – who said romance was dead? <Shudders> Faux generosity (the painted bedrooms) and future faking and deception is very self-interested and creepy and I think can be a bit of a common ruse to see what you will “bite”.

If OTOH you are a rich woman and want to freely ££ give to a poorer man, (aka Cher and her younger boyfriend) and of course no strings, crack on, fine! But no average woman with average finances should EVER put herself in a predicament where she can be financially screwed over. He’s already had hours of your free advice and support with HIS stoopid renovation, why did you even do that OP, when your home has been neglected in the process?

You can play bingo card if you want, but I would focus more on self love, self appreciation, for want of a better phrase. Of course, it could maybe be entertainment to hear him splatter his excuses and justifications and attempted persuasion. But honestly, I wouldn’t give it too much of your time and energy: if he queries it you can just say, I looked at the spreadsheets and (no elaboration needed) and found them a bit strange. Of course he will think of it numerically, and maybe offer to reduce the spreadsheet, eejit. When we all know it’s the sheer cheeky fugg Kery of presenting you with ridiculous spreadsheets in the first place. Then say you’ve passed the spreadsheet to your accountant and you’ll get back to him; then just … don’t.

Split the every day to day food/utility/etc bills. Other than that he pays his own mortgage and you pay yours. No need for you to subsidise his ownership of a large house
Second choice : get married

Third choice : LTB

Haha! Where are you from? Do tell 😜 x

I did not mean this as a stereotypical nationalistic type of woman but I can see plenty of men will marry a woman who cannot clearly pay even 50/50 when she is clear about it upfront but the very same men will try it on, on a humble honest well earning British woman and this is not fair

this is why it does not make any sense to me when British or western women insist everything to be 50/50. There is never 50/50 in absolutely everything ....if it is love, we all should give our best from all areas of life all the time, be it money, wisdom, housework, spending time together

Understood @BeFunnyBiscuit . I was also thinking “water finds his own level” if you get my drift …

well, collectively he is wished upon here to get someone who will fleece him for life, so he gets back what he tried to do to someone

I find it crazy he wants u to pay 50/50 especially since you earn way less than he does, don't know if I would want to be with a man like that tbh.

Also @BeFunnyBiscuit I concur with the current tiresome obsession with 50:50. People bring different things to the table, some things which are not easily quantifiable (and shouldn’t be) in money terms. Love, care, relationships cannot be reduced to an hourly rate. Or fugging spreadsheets!

Trying it on with a “humble honest well earning British woman and this is not fair” 💯

Wow that is old school

Is that you UCM? 🤣

Watch his expression carefully.
His eyes will likely be pure panic.

He really has planned this very carefully.
So many men don't do parental care and are determined to pass the load.

I have at least a dozen friends whom looked after their own parents, often with children in tow, visiting, shopping etc at the weekends etc., all the while working full-time.

They did it because they loved their parents and wanted to support them.

However, when it came to their husbands turn for them to step up an support their own parents, they often thought it was seriously reasonable to expect their wife to do shopping trips and take time off work for their parents appointments.

They got some wake up call.
It was their golf and down time that took the hit, not their sharing the load with the children.

In two cases they were told they could move home to their parents if they didn't get on with it and stop whining about it.

I am never even slightly surprised when I hear stories of the gymnastics men will do to avoid sharing the load.

As for the nonsense of an 8 bedroomed house?
Why on earth would anyone of an advancing age want to take on such an albatross?

I hope it has solar panels as the predicted energy price increases for next winter are eye-watering.

I’m wondering if the parents are being shown the spreadsheet and asked to go 50/50 too

Just to get into the spirit of things, @HolyCheeses, and because I'm eating lunch and have no life, I've collated his spreadsheet so far (including your amendment to the council tax figures and the additional sums you mentioned).

food £1,400
cleaner £200 per month
council tax £150 £300 per month
sky £180
home insurance £100
dog walking £260
sewer waste water £30
boiler type coverage £30
garden maintenance £50

MORTGAGE = Amount above deducted from the 'interim total' that you remember which was £3,020.

This means his mortgage on his big detached house with an annexe is about £470 ...

... which doesn't really make sense on any level. How much did he tell you the mortage is, just out of interest?

Watch his expression carefully.
His eyes will likely be pure panic

^ this

OTOH, he could get quite sneery, rude and nonchalant (prideful cover up)

You're going to need a second thread @HolyCheeses for the telling and the response bingo...

He didn’t tell me the exact amount t and the mortgage was to cover the extra works he had done! Previously it was mortgage free or very teeny mortgage

I don’t mind if you’re checking - I appreciate it
thank you very much