AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

“But you promised, and now I’m in the lurch.”

“No I did not…I’ve been asking for months for actual financial details and what my commitment would be, to see whether it’s financially viable for me. Now that I have seen your numbers, I can see that it is not doable for me.”

I would go for

If you loved me, you'd want to share my life with me'

Also, it's so bloody weird that he said that his parents wouldn't "get off scot free." This means not receive a deserved punishment. Such a peculiar way to look at one's parents and finances.

Bullshit bingo: He'll ask for some money to redecorate the bedrooms because he did them that colour/style for YOUR DC and wouldn't have chosen that if he'd known.

Bullshit bingo …

But I thought this was what you wanted!
You said this was what you wanted.
I thought you were happy with the plan, we even planned the DC bedroom colour schemes!
How will I afford it if you’re not there to help?
How could you do this to me?

I have been in the same situation. I asked chatGBT- and my partner did too. Sadly for him ChatGBT strictly thinks that us moving in should not involve paying partners mortgage. I was advised to pay half bills plus half maintenance.

Agree. I’ve only really heard it used for example of a criminal gets found not guilty. It’s about escaping punishment not contributing to household expenses - strange use of words in this scenario

So hard to choose in bullshit bingo!

There’s bound to be an element of “but it won’t be like that” if OP mentions any of the likely outcomes of his projections, so I’d avoid those in favour of bland “I don’t want to, I can’t afford it, and I’m not going to”

I think he’ll say “but I want to be able to treat you!” re the unfair 50:50, or “but I’ll pay for all the treats and extas, you won’t need any money left for that”

But I think pps are right and you’ll also get

”We planned it together”, “this was our dream” and “my Mum was looking forward to having you around”

NB wanting to be able to treat someone, or saying you want to be able to, is always a massive red flag as it suggests a desire to be in control, with the other person as a supplicant in the relationship.

BB: "But my parents will be so disappointed" (as I have told them you will be taking care of them ft soon)

Hard agree
it made me bristle for sure.

He’s trying to take advantage of you, and reading your subsequent posts….get rid of him! No wonder he had an amicable divorce from his ex wife, she probably wanted a smooth exit.

when people show you who they are, believe them.

The didn’t ever occur to me - he spoke well
of her

After divorcing a grade A narc who rewrote history and lied case upon case in court about my character and actions I was heartened to hear someone speak well of a past partner

BS Bingo: But you knew I couldn’t afford the mortgage without you. Now I’m going to lose the house.

The man is all about dollars and cents, given the way he talked about his parents. So for BS Bingo, I'm also going for him trying to negotiate the spreadsheet with you, as well as trying to guilt you for "pulling out" from his self-serving fantasy.

Bullshit bingo: but I’ve got a spreadsheet!

On my BB card are:
”you won’t get a better opportunity to live somewhere like this”
“look what you’re throwing away”
”how ungrateful- I was doing it for us”
and for a full house
”why didn’t you say?”

Shamelessly hoping you’ll start another thread for the outcome when this one fills up 😬…
You are a legend OP … this one deserves its place in “classics”

I'm interested to know how he thought you were going to pay for things day to day if he was taking all your money for the house/household expenses. Was he planning for you to have to come to him for money? As that would also imply financial control on his part.

He'll probably accuse you of leaving him for someone else. He'll then say that he was going to dump you next week anyway, and you should have been grateful because you'll never find anyone as good as him, and now you're going to be all alone in your own place with your wine and cats (as if that's a bad thing, don't threaten me with a good time!).

Agree, OP is a legend! I am very very invested in this thread! OP please please please start a new thread to keep us updated.

Sometimes they do this in the same way people from dysfunctional homes insist they had a normal, happy upbringing... almost insisting "there's nothing to see here, lalalala!"

Flagging off the ex... red flag. Insisting everything was and is perfectly fine with ex... also a red flag!

I'd love to know where his parents' contribution will be going - given that he and OP are supposedly splitting costs 50;50 - straight into his bank account, perhaps?

Could be the other 50%, ie the same as he is suggesting OP contributes.

And presumably the 50% cost didn't include his parents !

It could be that he was hoping to have his parents live there at a reduced rent - so maybe telling them they wouldn't have to pay much, just something towards utilities - therefore "not getting off scot free". I think that his parents might have given, or plan to give him, a lump sum towards the house.