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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

968 replies

HolyCheeses · 19/04/2026 23:45

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

OP posts:
Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:07

BootMaker · 20/04/2026 00:05

Lol, tell him to fuck off.

He'll probably understand that.

🤣

OP posts:
PurpleFairyLights · 20/04/2026 00:08

What a Prince!

Viviennemary · 20/04/2026 00:08

Don't move in is the only answer here.

jountyey · 20/04/2026 00:12

Don’t forget his parents in an annexe, too. They will need looking after soon.
Don’t move in with him. No benefit for you whatsoever

suburberphobe · 20/04/2026 00:12

I wouldn't want to live with anyone's parents. No thanks.

Guess who'll be taking care of them as they grow old an infirm.

Stay put OP. You sound like you have a lovely set-up.

DogAnxiety · 20/04/2026 00:14

He got stroppy because you couldn’t afford a holiday at your lowest ebb? oh oh, red flags. He’s a selfish person. Any normal person who really wanted a holiday and who had a higher income than their oartner who was having a really tough time, would pay for the bloody holiday for both of them.

I’d bet my bottom dollar that his amicable ex wife might have a rather different story to tell.

Error404FucksNotFound · 20/04/2026 00:15

Yeah, that's a bad fucking deal for you.

He benefits, certainly. But what is the benefit to you?

Getting to live with him? Like he's the prize you get?

DogAnxiety · 20/04/2026 00:15

jountyey · 20/04/2026 00:12

Don’t forget his parents in an annexe, too. They will need looking after soon.
Don’t move in with him. No benefit for you whatsoever

Quite literally a nurse with a purse.

Weeklyreport · 20/04/2026 00:16

TwistedWonder · 20/04/2026 00:02

Why on earth does he think you should be paying half of a mortgage for a property you’re not on the deeds of? Freeloading fucker.

in your shoes not only would’ve not move in, I’d reevaluate the whole relationship

Maybe he's read a lot of threads on here where its the man moving into the woman's house and poster after poster says to charge him 50% of mortgage as rent and also 50% of bills.

Trint · 20/04/2026 00:16

At this stage of your life would you not rather live separately and keep your own house. It will ensure that your children have a home when they want to visit. You can be independent and not have to please anyone else. You can enjoy being in a relationship but also be independent. When grandchildren appear you can be involved and not feel that you have to fit in with your partner’s plans. Stay as you are.

Vaxtable · 20/04/2026 00:17

I would be honest. Sorry 50/50 leaves me with nothing, and why should I pay for your mortgage?

personally I would stay as I am and continue to live separately

suki1964 · 20/04/2026 00:18

Unless there is a ring on the finger and a legal binding document - known as a marriage - Id be staying where I was

Not a bloody mission would I be paying a boyfriends mortgage , especially where hes moving his parents in as well

Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:21

TwistedWonder · 20/04/2026 00:02

Why on earth does he think you should be paying half of a mortgage for a property you’re not on the deeds of? Freeloading fucker.

in your shoes not only would’ve not move in, I’d reevaluate the whole relationship

I am seriously starting to

OP posts:
WaryHiker · 20/04/2026 00:24

You absolutely should be reconsidering this relationship. You sound remarkably passive. Why are you thinking about giving up your house and job and moving area in the first place? You aren't a passenger in your own life, and don't let anyone tell you that you should be.

It's a huge sacrifice for you to be making for someone who is clearly selfish and self-involved and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Even if he realises he's about to lose you and tries to do an about-turn with lots of promises, you'd be mad to go through with this.

Keep your independence and your self-respect and ditch this loser pronto!

Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:27

WaryHiker · 20/04/2026 00:24

You absolutely should be reconsidering this relationship. You sound remarkably passive. Why are you thinking about giving up your house and job and moving area in the first place? You aren't a passenger in your own life, and don't let anyone tell you that you should be.

It's a huge sacrifice for you to be making for someone who is clearly selfish and self-involved and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Even if he realises he's about to lose you and tries to do an about-turn with lots of promises, you'd be mad to go through with this.

Keep your independence and your self-respect and ditch this loser pronto!

To give some context

my ex is a vile man. Dragged me through the courts for years a proper lying, cheating bully. I surprised everyone by fighting him tooth and nail and representing myself when things got serious and I won every time.

sadly we live in the same town and my plan was ALWAYS to move but I hadn’t decided where.

OP posts:
SheSaidHummingbird · 20/04/2026 00:30

Sure you'll pay half. As long as you get married and your name is added to mortgage.

Otherwise, tell him to fuck off.

CoastalCalm · 20/04/2026 00:30

His parents will surely be contributing too ? No way I’d pay to house my boyfriends parents even if I could afford half mortgage

Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:32

SheSaidHummingbird · 20/04/2026 00:30

Sure you'll pay half. As long as you get married and your name is added to mortgage.

Otherwise, tell him to fuck off.

I’ve started to think I’m not keen to marry someone who’d even expect this of me

Massive ick.

OP posts:
DogAnxiety · 20/04/2026 00:32

That’s understandable (wanting to move area away from your abuser) but don’t move on from a terrible man to one who is “just” selfish and financially mean.

Have you done the freedom programme?

MoodyMargaret11 · 20/04/2026 00:35

Weeklyreport · 20/04/2026 00:16

Maybe he's read a lot of threads on here where its the man moving into the woman's house and poster after poster says to charge him 50% of mortgage as rent and also 50% of bills.

Show quote history

🤣

WilfredsPies · 20/04/2026 00:35

I’m not sure that living with this man is in your best interests. Leaving to one side the fact that he expects you to go 50/50 on a property completely out of your budget that you have no stake in, you sound fundamentally misaligned when it comes to finances. Moving in with him would be like marrying a man who is booking in for a vasectomy while you’re picking out colours for a nursery. You have completely different expectations of the way things should be and money is such a major part of living with someone. Everything becomes a million times harder if you’re not in agreement. You’re setting yourself for failure, especially if you’ve come off the housing ladder.

It’s possible he could change, but his reaction to you not being able to afford a holiday would suggest otherwise. And living alongside his parents? Before you’ve even decided if you like living with him? Madness.

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2026 00:36

Don't do it, I feel you would regret it if you moved in.
Stay where you are, finish your house renovations and move to the sort of place you had intended when you and the family are ready.

Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:36

DogAnxiety · 20/04/2026 00:32

That’s understandable (wanting to move area away from your abuser) but don’t move on from a terrible man to one who is “just” selfish and financially mean.

Have you done the freedom programme?

I agree.

Hes really been supportive over the last few years - the holiday thing sticks out but other than that nothing awful.

Then this, can’t be arsed.

OP posts:
YourJoyousDenimExpert · 20/04/2026 00:37

I would have the ick as well. His lack of insight and comprehension would concern me. He is proposing a terrible deal for you - can he not see that? No point moving to lose your independence and also be worse off. Do you even want to live somewhere with his parents in an Annexe? - is he lining you up for future care duties???
Stick to your downsize plan and keep your own place to live is my advice…….good luck🍀

Original poster
HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:38

I really appreciate your input and feel I’ll finally sleep soundly tonight

OP posts: