AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

OP, you are awesome and I salute you!

I understand the fur coat in a hot room, but can I just ask......why the custard??

My close friend used to describe tricky situations akin to wading through custard….☺️

Don’t do it . It will compromise you financially and if he wants that for you he is not a thoughtful kind partner for you. I would rethink the whole relationship. This is the time to think of yourself and your future.

Yes and I live in what many would call a mansion [ie large house not disimilar to what stBEx seems to have built] we pay £4k a year council tax, after student discount that expires next year. So about £335pcm which would be halved under this man’s calculations. But why should she pay CT on a large house she doesn’t own and will probably only have access to 25% of it - unless she is going to use a different bedroom each night of the week and/or move her Dcs in permanently? As a newly renovated home, we are also well insulated, have a new efficient plumbing and heating system and so our electricity/gas usage whilst higher than on a 3 bed terrace, is actually not much higher than many are paying on smaller properties. We also do not spend £1400 on food - including and groceries/cleaning products/toiletries - as a matter or course - for a 4 person family, DCS are 18/21, eldest being a 6ft3 eating machine.

My DD uses one bedroom, the ensuite occasionally uses the lounge, anf has access to the kitchen and utility. Once she has left uni and is earning, she would be asked to pay a rent inclusive of her share of the bills based on the fact that she is using maybe 10% of the house. We wouldn’t expect her to pay a 1/3 share.

This man’s figures are completely suspect. My theory is that - based on the evidence so far - his accounting, estimating and budgeting was shocking during his renovation and that he has found himself very very short of funds.

Would be ironic if he had to sell up now because he couldn’t afford to live there, which is the case for our neighbours who had grandiose ideas for their reno and rushed in to do it all in one go in the last year-18m without any slack in their budget for rising costs of materials, fuel or labour.

Apologies if you've already mentioned it @HolyCheeses , but what was the total monthly figure for mortgage and bills that he expected you to pay?

I salute you OP! Thank goodness you know a dodgy spreadsheet when you see one.

And "I feel like I've taken off a massive fur coat covered in custard in a hot steamy room" is now tattooed on my wrist for future reference 🌞

It wasn’t complete! He was still working on it!!! But the interim one was £3020 to be halved

But not paying anything to the mortgage

@HolyCheeses

Have you told him yet? Or are you letting him play with his make believe excel spread sheet a bit longer?

He is being completely unreasonable I wouldn’t do it , keep with your own plans.
if you do however want a life with him I suggest that you buy half his house from the sale of your own. Done on the basis that his parents pay rent and their fair share of utilities. This income to be paid into a joint household account. The rest of the bills you then split 50:50
formalise all this into a legal agreement or if you do get married a prenup.
also don’t forget to outline how finances work if you have children.

Yes. Perfect solution.

I know you're done with him but I'm intrigued how the food bill would work. Is he doing all the food shopping? Surely you'd just have a joint account for this which you both pay into proportionally and use for food shopping. Or maybe he only shops in Harrods.

One can but imagine.

Im not going to get the chance to find out!

50:50 would leave me with nothing after deductions - why would anyone agree to that ?

I had this with my ex (even though we were married). By the time I'd paid for 50% of everything I had zero disposable income, so this impacted on going out for meals/holidays etc, because I couldn't pay my way, and he wasn't prepared to help me. My Dad used to help me out with petrol money.

My ex used to insist that because the house and mortgage were in joint names, I was legally responsible for paying 50% of the mortgage. During our divorce, my solicitor said that whilst we were jointly responsible for ensuring it got paid, neither party was legally bound to pay a specific amount - which makes sense when you think about it, otherwise how work it work for a SAHM.

Bloody well done to you for seeing through this. When my partner moved in with me - now husband - he paid half of the bills, nothing towards the mortgage and we shared the food bill proportionately via a joint account. Win for me as help with bills, win for him as less expensive than renting solo plus he could save if anything went wrong between us. Also.open book policy on the bills. If this guy was trying to fleece you on the bills, he obviously hasn't considered you would want your name on them.

If he refused to do this then simply stick to your guns and do not move in with him!. There's no way you should have less money by moving in with him!. I don't understand how he is unable to understand this!

Sounds like he wanted a champagne house with a prosecco budget.

No sensible person would agree to it. Follow your instincts, gut, common sense.

This reminds me of an ex. I had to move out of my renter and he offered I move in with him. It then transpired he wanted me to pay his rent entirely so... he would be living with me but his name was on the tenancy sort of thing.

I binned him off for that and a dozen other things but this thread got me googling him and he has been married with two kids, divorced and done time for fraud and then for corporate manslaughter.

B u l l e t d o d g e d.

To me that translates as
" I know I said £3020 a month earlier, but I did say I was still working on it and unfortunately its now (Insert a much larger figure)

I do wonder how he passed the mortgage affordability test with his lender.
He would have had to do his sums for that and provide evidence
andthey wouldn't accept. "I'm stlll working on it."

It's like you were taking out a bank loan and you asked what the interest rate/payments would be and they said..." its xyz for now.. but we are still working on it"

So if the mortgage people thought it was affordable, you won't be leaving him bereft and he does have the option of a lodger or even two.

To me that sounds like leaving a window open to charge you more. if he's thought of Housekeepers, and cleaners etc.. it does seem like he's added in all the expenses already, unless its all guestimates. I could be wrong.. maybe he' not that great at finances and just thinks it will all work out in the wash I know some people who are like that and just don't think things through. But even so, its not acceptable to tell a person just before they move in that the cost will be one thing, but possibly more.

Hi @HolyCheeses , I have followed your thread from the beginning, and totally agree with your decision re staying put and ending your relationship.

When are you going to tell him? Hope he doesn't make it difficult for you (lots of emotional blackmail etc).

If you still want some MN support, might be worth setting up a second thread.

Good luck with your own house renovations!

Ah, now that makes sense. In my world the analogy is treacle, but I will magnanimously allow custard works too 👍😊

Or just to shaft him financially…….go along with the plan until the night before.

But probs not a good idea to poke the bear and best to use your finite energy positively to plan your new freedom future - have you had an opportunity to think what that might look like - or will you just allow the dust to settle and you can see how you feel at the end of the summer when this grifter is firmly in your rear view mirror?

@shuggles

If not having you lined up to care for parents I do wonder if you'd have been expected to pay half of their care costs. I see no benefit at all for you in this living situation. Well done for putting the brakes on and giving yourself time to sort out how how feel about this.