AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

I wouldn’t move in and I wouldn’t marry him either.

He’s either spectacularly obtuse, which seems unlikely since he’s amassed significant assets, or he is mean.

Even when done equitably moving into someone else’s house can be tricky, it’s always theirs and then you’ve got the in-laws on top. They may be the loveliest ever but they are likely to need care in the future. They also might not be the loveliest ever or might be lovely but understandably prefer the mansion and company to the annex. Who knows?

You’ve been through hell and this sounds like a big risk. Is his massive house a long way away? With its bedrooms and bathrooms doubtless there’s space for you to leave some stuff there so it’s not a pain when you stay over and you can just continue the relationship (if you want to) retaining your own homes. If the relationship ends then you will only be mourning that and not £££ and selling your house!

My boyfriend, who is a man, wants me to walk into a fire. He says I won't get burnt because he's been assured I won't. What should I do?

This, keep your own place! Why pay more to live somewhere where you've got no actual stake or say, with in laws who you'll be expected to 'help out with', subsiding his mortgage? Nothing in it for you.

What happens with your DC, will they be able to visit, stay after uni etc

When I moved into my boyfriend’s house I just paid half the food bill. We lived there for six months, then got married and bought our own place. He earned more than me, so we continued with the same arrangement.

I think your DP is a CF. Don’t even think of moving in with him.

Christ YANBU - is he expecting you to care for his aged parents as well?

Who would be living in the mansion itself? Just you and him? Or does he have kids?

What rent will his parents pay on the annex? Or does he expect you to subsidize them?

Is he assuming that you will be caring for his parents as well?

Personally I think you'd be mad to move out of your own property to pay more to subsidize his mansion without and rights or security.

In theory yes

He created bedrooms for each of them and asked for their input with colours and finishes etc. So they would have a place to visit

I think you should go for it, OP. I mean...he's asked what colour paint they prefer.
What more do you want?

As the BF earns more than you do, then a proportional split on finances is fairer.

And would they also have to pay to stay?

I semi joke. What if one of them needs a fallback place to stay, though?

@HolyCheeses don’t jump out of the pan and into the fire!

Let the prince keep his mansion and ageing parents to himself.

No no no no no no no

Ask him this........ "Your best friend owns a large business that looks good on paper but is in debt, eventually it will be in the black but right now it could use some extra help. He has service users who need looking after and debts that need paying. He is offering you the opportunity to be the service provider and pay into the company, but is offering no shares whatsoever. Would you say yes that investment opportunity?"

Clutching desperately at straws here, but is he (a) planning on adding you to the mortgage; and (b) expecting your children to move in after studies etc??

He wants you to pay half his unaffordable for you mortgage that is also subsidizing his parents and leaves you with nothing. And you'll end up as the parents' carer.

How could you pass on a such an insanely shitty deal?

Does he think you're stupid?

Continue your plan to downsize, do not move in, the two of you have financial goals that aren't just incompatible, but fuck you over.

OMG how dumb does he think you are

He’s either a chance or - if genuinely bereft - thick. Either way it would give be the ick and I’d have to walk away.

nope, no way, don’t move in. Why should you pay for HIS asset. A fair contribution to bills and a small contribution to rent, yes. Otherwise, no.

Wow.. i would avoid this like the plague. As others (kind of) said he is either fkn stupid or an absolute bstd

Yes that’s how we worked it out. We wanted to both have the same amount of spending money left over.

People on mumsnet often make the argument that partners should pay 'rent' in this situation but I agree with you 100%. If one person owns the house and is paying towards a mortgage then they should continue paying that on their own. Bills should be split of course but charging your partner 'rent' towards your mortgage is profiteering from them. In a situation like that the non property owning partner should take the opportunity to save and build their own asset or buy into the property if that's what they both want to do.

So if you move in and subsidise his mortgage and pay half of the expenses and presumably care for his parents, who will be doing the housework, laundry, cooking? Who will pay for the dishwasher when it needs replacing, new curtains or a new TV when the old one packs up? Capital items belonging to the house, and he can boot you out at a moment's notice? Who will take his parents to appointments, out shopping, wipe their bottoms? It's all terribly transactional...does that apply to sex too? Nonononono, OP. Keep your independence. He's a taker and a user.

He’s really dangling the carrot by creating bedrooms for each of your children OP. He’s trying hard to get you emotionally invested in the planning and decor of the place to make it harder for you to resist his brilliant plan to subsidise him financially.
So kind of him to offer you the chance to pay half his mortgage and utilities especially when you earn less than half than he does.

Tell him to get a lodger.

Don’t move in and don’t think of marrying him. (He might ask if you resista)
He’s trying to use and abuse you financially.
He wants to hang on to all his own assets at the sane time as you surrender yours for his benefit. And he pretends to be all hurt that you object, -that you don’t see his plan as a super duper unresistable gift to you….that you see right through his scheming.

Your own future plan is sound.
There is no security for you in his plan at all.

His intentions are very clear and they are to benefit him by disadvantaging you.
I would steer well clear of him now you know that.

He's a taker.

If he really can't see how his proposal benefits only him and royally screws you, you would be much better off dumping him and moving on with your life.

Please reconsider the entire relationship.

When he does the emotional blackmail thing ‘but I built bedrooms for your children, I’m generous and loving!’ You say you didn’t at the time specify they’d cost me hundreds of pounds / a thousand pounds a month for them though, so I’m better off taking them to a nice hotel or Airbnb sometimes.