AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

God no OP.
Don't do this!

Firstly, he wants yoh to pay half but his parents will also be there. What are they paying?
He's asked your (adult) DC about colors of pain for their rooms.... Ie pressuring you
He is putting pressure on you now 2 months before move in date as he needs to get (your) finances in order. Realistically can he afford this big house without you?
And then. The biggest thing for me is then it it HIS house. How much say will you get in the running of it, your share after paying half the mortgage etc
Do you get on with his parents. Do they need care....

It's just a recipe for disaster OP.

This.
He's a freeloader.
When someone earns more, they should carry more of the load. I'm in the process of merging finances with my fiancé and I have more income thus we are working towards a 70-30 split.
I also have an ageing parent who I want to accommodate financially and I don't expect him to pay significantly towards this, chip in maybe but overall I see this as my responsibility - planning to do some extra hours to cover this, rather than dumping everything on fiance.
I'd re-evaluate the relationship OP. I get bad vibes from your man, think he's taking advantage tbh

Personally I agree that 50/50 is not fair in this case...

But, I would point out that I've read countless threads on here where a man moves in with a women who owns a house, and poster after poster decries him as useless/taking advantage if he doesn't pay 50%. He is accused of taking advantage of her.. and he should pay his "rent" as it isn't his house, and he is benefiting from her home/mortgage.

There is a slight disconnect between these threads.

For me personally though the answer is the same:

Couples should either pool their incomes, or keep them separate but contribute proportionally to their income.

But that is under the presumption that you marry, or amend your wills so that you gain the house (or a proportion of it) when he dies, as you have been contributing to paying off the debt on the house.

How about the fact that this large property includes an annex for his parents? Is it fair that she pays 50% of the mortgage of that?

May I ask how much of his plan you’ve agreed to, thus far? Had you agreed in principle to move in, and what were his initial proposals? Would this house of his be the expected home of your university DC during and after university? What are your DC expecting, for you and themselves? Has your having an ownership stake, even if small, never been mentioned at all, ever?

Where do his parents fit into his financial envelope for this Big House Project?

I think in his head he’s heard agreement from you somewhere along the line to ‘buy’ his offer, and then shocked you by giving you a silly price. So he needs to renegotiate. Otherwise you, the buyer of his proposed deal, will walk away. I suppose you could make him a concrete counter-offer if you feel like it’s worth it.

Or are you going to pull back from the relationship? I imagine it’s tempting right now. You want, I feel, a mutually beneficial relationship, not yet another protracted contract negotiation.

Don’t do it. What if you suggest he moves in with you and pays half your mortgage? What would his response be. Or as others suggest get married. All property becomes joint property in the event of a divorce.

But, he has shown who he is and I don’t think it is a person I would want to marry. Tell him you are happy as you are living separately. If he doesn’t like it let him go. He wants a lodger to help with the mortgage not a partner.

This man has given a lot of thought to what's best for him and obvs his parents have been in on the decisions. It doesn't seem that he has considered your needs or future security at all. If he wants you to live with him for good he should ask you to marry him and give you reassurance that you will be financially secure. Also, an undertaking that he will be able to fund his parents' care if needed in the future.
Then IF you love him and can see yourself with him for life, then consider moving in. Keep your place as an investment for your DC.
As things are, no way. Lots of red flags.

Just keep it simple and tell him you can’t afford it.

How cheeky ! He’s basically saying - Pay half my mortgage you have no name to and half my bills (prob parents bills too) and oh I forgot to mention , your in-laws will be popping in uninvited each day and they will have their own rules for you that you must abide to as well. !! He may have learnt his selfishness and his grandiosity from his parents . Run a mile . Stay put . You didn’t go through all that pain , hard work , rebuilding to give your sole away to a man like this . Raise your bar . You deserve the best . Oh and your children won’t be welcome to stay at all , unless they pay !!

To be fair there is always a split of people on both sides of the rent/no rent discussion. I guess the rent side haven't found this thread!

It’s always going to rub if you are worse off. Has he really thought it through you all living so close to his parents. Assume if there’s an annex it’s because they getting on. He’s obviously done sims and included you in the calculation to fund his choice, As you identified you would be worse off unmarried parents can be more financially vulnerable. If you are both committed to a future together the least he can do is listen.

He sounds clueless &/or thick.
Have you both shared incomes with each other?
How can he possibly think you paying 50/50 is fair.
Marriage and a shared financial pot would be the only way I would move in

@HolyCheeses Even better.

I wouldn’t agree to his plan. The finances are terrible for you and leave you vulnerable. I expect he’s also lining you up to be house keeper and, as his parents age, their carer. Taking aside the finances, why on earth would you want to have them in your annex even if they are the loveliest of people. No chance would I leave my lovely home that I can afford and financial stability for this.

I think the 2 of you need to have a fairly frank discussion urgently.
It sounds as if you have been going along with this happily, letting him get this far in the purchase of a big house that has rooms for all your children, without either of you having discussed finances. You had been planning to downsize to save some money.
Explain to him what you saw your expenses as being. What would your bills be if you were elsewhere. What would it cost you to rent somewhere? What are his parents paying? If they are selling somewhere and putting their money into this house, what if one needs care and he is accused of asset deprivation?
Explain to him how that holiday situation made you feel. Explain that if you are too be a team, it is not fair that there is a big financial disparity. .
.

I think you need to make a list of all you would have to do to make this work, so he can clearly see it is not just a joy for you but will involve change and sacrifice.
I do also think that what you plan to do with your own house has a bearing on this. If you have an income from renting that it should be taken into account/ added to your annual income when you are working out what is fair proportionately.
Once you know what your actual income is, the costs of living should be divided between the adults living there, so if it is his parents and both of you, the bills should be split 4 ways and the mortgage should be lined at separately with you posting reasonable( but reduced) rental as if you were renting with a painter you would pay half each normally.

His reaction to this discussion would be make or break for me. Ask him to view the decision from your point of view and you try and view it from his and see if you cannot reach a reasonable compromise.

He seems particularly immune to considering anything from your point of view. You would be substantially worse off and he would be substantially better off. If you were paying half of the mortgage you'd potentially not only be subsidising him but also his parents! And you'd have to find a new job. Would your children really be welcome and comfortable there? I'd never move in with the in laws in the annexe. They are not going to be getting any younger or fitter, are they?

Marrying a man who is so utterly selfish would be an even worse mistake. You can bet that a few days before the wedding he'd be getting you to sign an agreement. Yes, I know in the UK they are not utterly binding but still they have influence. Though when I think about it, he'd have probably already have placed the property in a trust so you'd have no claim unless you wanted to pay lawyers for a expensive trust busting attempt.

I just couldn't get past this if a man tried to do this. You have spent four years of your life with him and it is only now that he reveals his true colours. I would be just utterly through with him. No wonder he was pushing for a date for you to move in - so he could start enjoying you paying half of his mortgage with you being more conveniently onsite for sex, housework and cooking.

There’s a thread called ‘Does this sound financially fair’ or something that- it has echoes of this to me. I’d be very wary of being persuaded here against your better judgement @HolyCheeses . If he lives in a nice area why not buy your own little place nearer to his, as per your original plan.

sorry for typos.

She’s would be paying rent not a mortgage
this set up isn’t a good deal for her and tbh she’d be stupid to say yes to it
but it a reasonable request to get someone to pay there way
but OP has better options as in she got a house she needs to stick with that

The words “parents annex” would be enough for me to want to stay in my own place even if it was the size of a shoebox.

This. Why would you contribute 50% towards someone else's mortgage, madness!

I suppose I'd feel pretty bereft if I thought I'd found a way to get half my mortgage covered for me while retaining the full asset myself and then it didn't happen.

I might feel even more bereft if I'd also expected benefits like housework being done for me and sex on tap as part of the deal, which you don't mention but are pretty common expectations in this scenario.

And all while you earn half what he does and would find it ruinous.

Please don’t give up your independence and plans for this man who sounds very rigid. He knows you’ll be skint and still can’t figure out why you don’t want to move and pay towards a mortgage you are not on.

Is he lining you up as a carer for his live in parents?

Don't let this be the reason you give in ,and move in with him .
I'd never live with a man I wasn't married to
And I don't ever intend to get married again,if this marriage ends
Protect yourself financially op
It seems these men just want everything their way .
He will have you paying half his mortgage
Cleaning his house
Cooking his meals ,doing his washing
Paying half his bills
But your not on his mortgage or his wife .
They want it all these men ..
In fact do you even want to be his wife ..What's in it for you ?

So you’re proposing to give up your home and financial security, to live as a lodger in someone else’s home, and pay their mortgage, but not own any part of the house? Also, you won’t initially have a job.

Were you planning to sell your property, or rent it out? if sell, was he expecting to go you to pay out of your savings to live at his property?

We don’t also know how he feels when your adult dc come to stay. He says they’ll be welcome, but it’s not their home. What if one decides to move ‘home’ after uni, will he be happy for them to live with you long term?

it sounds like, prior to meeting this do, you had sound financial plans, and if your dc are all in their twenties plus, guess you’re in your fifties. At this time of life, don’t risk your future. What happens if the relationships breaks down? You’d be homeless without the finances to start again.

Sorry, I think you have too much to lose. There’s too much risk involved for you.