AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Absolutely no way should you be paying towards his mortgage if you're not on it. That's before you even add in the elderly parents and income disparity. Mortgage payments are effectively buying equity in the house which is entirely in his name. I would however consider mortgage interest payments as a bill.

What I consider fair in these situations is splitting bills, either 5050 or proportionally to income if there's a large disparity.

Both of you should benefit equally from living together. Neither party should freeload or profit at the others expense.

I wouldn't be moving in. His attitude to sharing finances is mean, adding in the in-laws in the annex sounds like a recipe for disaster.

He sounds like another financial abuser to me. I reckon your money is part of his financial plan. Don’t move in with him.

Well I wouldn't give up my place and my freedom move into a house with a man who is also moving his parents in. I wouldn't even get to the financial bit.

All I hear i compromise, compromise, compromise on your behalf, none from him.

Does your BF come from a culture where multi generational living is customary? Otherwise there is something weird about a man who wants his GF to share a house with his parents.

God the mind numbing and thoughtless advice on here to marry as a solution to everything

If OP marries then she is legally tied to this person, she wouldnt be able to maintain financial independence.

OP I think its reasonable to pay 50/50 for bills but not include the mortgage in that, whether you earn more or less than someone doesnt seem particularly relevant to me

You could sell your property and not buy another and keep the money safe/invest it

Personally I would go ahead with your original plan to live separately

It’s more than that.

He is asking you to subsidise him and his parents for no benefit.

Can you ask him to properly explain how he thinks this suggested arrangement benefits you?

Can you ask him what would happen if you moved in and he dies unexpectedly?

CF indeed.

This is the best advice.

You will eventually find yourself treated as the one responsible for caring for his parents. You need some rock solid security.

It’s not just the day to day finances

It’s the parents in the annex

He also wants an in house free at the very least support carer if not full time

This is just too imbalanced he potentially gets all the security for less outgoings - you take all the risk.

No thank you.

I totally agree

Issues:

1. all the hassle of new job etc, building a new life, friends etc
2. bills will be huge in the new place
3. very old parents will need expensive care shortly
4. 50/50 split is ridiculous and mean when he earns double
5. can you recover from being seen as a provider of cash?
6. you would always feel an interloper in the new place and have no security of tenure.

Agreed. If you didn’t move in is he going to get a lodger who’ll pay the same amount?

I assume not, so he will be financially benefiting from you.

If he wants you to pay his mortgage you need to get married, because then it’s your mortgage too.

Well I think this is a grey area. As pps have pointed out, there is always a cry to charge ‘cock lodgers’ rent when they move into a mumsnetter’s property…

When I met dh, he owned a house, and a year into our relationship I moved into his house and paid him a reduced rent and split the bills. I was going to rent in the area anyway and this was a better deal for me. I’d rather have paid him rent than a landlord and it was a far nicer house than I could afford! So even if we split up, I wouldn’t have been any worse off than I would have been anyway. Better off, in fact.

Dd is looking to buy soon, and if she does her gf will probably move in with her and again, pay a reduced rent… she’d be paying it anyway elsewhere so what’s the problem? They want to live together but at 21, they feel they’re too young to commit to marriage or even joint property ownership just yet.

Similarly, countless couples I know met when they each owned property but moved in together into one of their properties, renting out the other… surely they weren’t expecting to live in one for free while profiting from the rental of their own property?!

So I think that if you were planning on moving to his area and renting anyway, it wouldn’t be unreasonable of your partner to ask for some rent - possibly a contribution equating to whichever is lower of the rent gained on your place or the rental ‘value’ of his?

However, from the sounds of it op, you have no desire to live in the area or house, as it would be of no benefit for you whatsoever - in fact it isn’t what you want at all, so my advice would be… don’t do it.

But just playing devil’s advocate here - if your dc were at the stages of picking colours for ‘their rooms’, why wasn’t this nipped in the bud sooner? It sounds as if he’s been led to believe you were going along with it.

If you are arguing about money before you move in, it doesn't bode well. I wouldn't @HolyCheeses. You have your own home, keep it. If you don't want to break, he can visit. This needs a slow burn until there is absolute clarity about every side of him notwithstanding the fact that he's moving in his parents.

If you do move in and pay towards the mortgage, albeit 30%, you need a legal agreement setting out that that entitles you to a proportion of any increase in capital value from that date.

It sounds murky to be honest and I bet that his parents have sunk funds into this too. He likely gets their money, your money and you become the unpaid carer. Whatever you do, don't get rid of your own house, especially if you own it. He'll get dabs on that if you marry him.

Did he pay for you to go on holiday with him, given he could probably have afforded a weekend away (at least). Might tell you what you want to (already) know.

I would suggest telling him what you feel is fair to pay, if he is not happy with that, then it's not really going to work and you can continue to live apart. I would ensure you keep your own property and rent it out if you move in with him. Maybe he thinks you will get profit from renting out your own property?

You’ve had a very clear consensus here. Don’t move in. There are red flags here. Stay financially independent. If the relationship ends because you are not ready to move for his benefit - so be it .

he isn’t out of order
he’s asking for 1/2 the bills why shouldn’t you pay for what you use
the equivalent of market rent ( a solution regularly suggested when a women moving her male partner in) are you suggesting you should live rent free
why should he subside you

ultimately it doesn’t work for you so just say no but it not outrageous
just keep your home

you are not paying 1/2 his mortgage you are paying market rent to live there

Get clear indications that you are paying to the mortgage up front in some way, and then pay money specifically with bank transfers for bills and mortgage separately and label them as this clearly.

A judge will likely award you equity in the property for what you paid in that situation.

Although this isnt ideal still if you have no money left each month.

The asset is his. You should not pay towards the mortgage at all, and equally never have a claim
on the house.
the house is too big for your budget. Tell him this and suggest if your going to live together and split the mortgage it needs to be on a much smaller property in joint names.
50% of all utility bills seems more than reasonable given he is a higher earner. This somewhat compensates for lack of mortgage contribution in my view.
stand firm. He’s being unreasonable and I’m questioning if he’s relying financially on your contribution.

This. With bells on. I now know why my current boyfriend won’t be moving in with me anytime soon! He’s fine though.

Oh and the parents bit, I would have concerns about that for me. So many unanswered questions here.

You sound amazing I know from experience representing yourself in a court against a bully is awful. You have come so far and have no need to put yourself in a position which leaves you vulnerable again. I would pass on this offer and possibly this man because even his suggestion of this is a huge ick. If you want to move then do so to a property of your choosing either way keep control of your own home.

I would also worry I was being lined up as a carer for the years to come…..

And a housekeeper as well!

Fuck that shit OP. Nope. Big fat nope.