Page 6 | AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

HolyCheeses · 2026-04-19T22:45:35+00:00

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently) My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home - Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine. He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage. They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability. he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Whyherewego · 20/04/2026 06:42

TheChicDreamer · 20/04/2026 05:24

Well I think this is a grey area. As pps have pointed out, there is always a cry to charge ‘cock lodgers’ rent when they move into a mumsnetter’s property…

When I met dh, he owned a house, and a year into our relationship I moved into his house and paid him a reduced rent and split the bills. I was going to rent in the area anyway and this was a better deal for me. I’d rather have paid him rent than a landlord and it was a far nicer house than I could afford! So even if we split up, I wouldn’t have been any worse off than I would have been anyway. Better off, in fact.

Dd is looking to buy soon, and if she does her gf will probably move in with her and again, pay a reduced rent… she’d be paying it anyway elsewhere so what’s the problem? They want to live together but at 21, they feel they’re too young to commit to marriage or even joint property ownership just yet.

Similarly, countless couples I know met when they each owned property but moved in together into one of their properties, renting out the other… surely they weren’t expecting to live in one for free while profiting from the rental of their own property?!

So I think that if you were planning on moving to his area and renting anyway, it wouldn’t be unreasonable of your partner to ask for some rent - possibly a contribution equating to whichever is lower of the rent gained on your place or the rental ‘value’ of his?

However, from the sounds of it op, you have no desire to live in the area or house, as it would be of no benefit for you whatsoever - in fact it isn’t what you want at all, so my advice would be… don’t do it.

But just playing devil’s advocate here - if your dc were at the stages of picking colours for ‘their rooms’, why wasn’t this nipped in the bud sooner? It sounds as if he’s been led to believe you were going along with it.

I think this is a very balanced post.
It seems like this chap thinks you are building a home together and has involved you in the refurbishment. It is possible he's not a CF but just hasn't really thought about it from your POV. The finances ahould have been discussed up front tbh. But it's not clear whether you wanted to move in with him or not. Setting the money to one side, do you love him? Do you want to live with him? I don't really get that impression from your posts. You seem very cautious.
So I'd say you just need to decide what the issue is here, if it is fairness and money then just use the analogy of a business investment that a PP suggested and see what he says. But if, as it seems, that you are not ready for this level of commitment to him or this has given you 2nd thoughts, then you need to be honest with him and tell him that.

Original poster

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:43

filofaxdouble · 20/04/2026 05:23

Agreed. If you didn’t move in is he going to get a lodger who’ll pay the same amount?

I assume not, so he will be financially benefiting from you.

If he wants you to pay his mortgage you need to get married, because then it’s your mortgage too.

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I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

Bear in mind I knew nothing of his finance plans u til very recently. I had concerns about moving so far away previously but none of this makes it an attractive proposal to me. I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Then the spreadsheets came out !

OP posts:

Original poster

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:45

Tiddlywinks63 · 20/04/2026 05:55

And a housekeeper as well!

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A Weekly cleaner was on the spreadsheet!

OP posts:

ThisJadeBear · 20/04/2026 06:46

Even if you moved in and paid zilch, and he was the kindest man on earth, the fact that his parents are in an annexe would be a huge concern to me.
Happened to a friend of mine. They did get married and a few years in…. he left her. Her children were settled - younger than yours - so she ended up taking the parents to appointments etc whilst looking after her kids.
You have already got yourself out of an horrific situation.
Don’t get married. It will give him a claim on your home, and you have your DC to consider.
I wouldn’t leave my lovely home for anything.
While this man has been ‘good’ to you after your last experience, don’t put yourself through it.
Oh and who will be doing all the cleaning in the big mansion and annexe? That alone would put me off!

Steelworks · 20/04/2026 06:46

Purplepelican6 · 20/04/2026 06:39

Don't let this be the reason you give in ,and move in with him .
I'd never live with a man I wasn't married to
And I don't ever intend to get married again,if this marriage ends
Protect yourself financially op
It seems these men just want everything their way .
He will have you paying half his mortgage
Cleaning his house
Cooking his meals ,doing his washing
Paying half his bills
But your not on his mortgage or his wife .
They want it all these men ..
In fact do you even want to be his wife ..What's in it for you ?

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Yes, forgot to add in my post that you’ll end up doing all the added housework, or have you had the ‘chores expectation’ discussion as well.

Forgot to say, well done on having the financial discussion upfront.

goody2shooz · 20/04/2026 06:47

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 00:32

I’ve started to think I’m not keen to marry someone who’d even expect this of me

Massive ick.

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@HolyCheeses why does he expect you to pay half HIS mortgage when his parents will also be living there? Does he seriously expect you to subsidise THEM as well?? Surely they must be paying him a proportion or have paid a lump sum or something? As pp have said, this would make me reconsider the whole situation/relationship.

Hollycoco · 20/04/2026 06:48

likelysuspect · 20/04/2026 04:33

God the mind numbing and thoughtless advice on here to marry as a solution to everything

If OP marries then she is legally tied to this person, she wouldnt be able to maintain financial independence.

OP I think its reasonable to pay 50/50 for bills but not include the mortgage in that, whether you earn more or less than someone doesnt seem particularly relevant to me

You could sell your property and not buy another and keep the money safe/invest it

Personally I would go ahead with your original plan to live separately

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that she actually marries him. Rather she should suggest it to him as a counter suggestion, to see what his reaction is. His reaction will be very telling.

If he shuts down that conversation, then he is very likely a CF who is only interested in improving his own financial situation and has no care that his girlfriend is being screwed. If however he likes the suggestion of marriage, then it might show more that he just isn’t able to see things from her perspective.

BlueberrySummerCloud · 20/04/2026 06:49

HolyCheeses · 19/04/2026 23:50

Am I being unreasonable here? 😩

Nooo!!!
OMG do not do this!
Hold onto your own home and do not move in

I would end this relationship, he sees you as a cashpoint to pay his mortgage off
Its appalling
WTF just saw his parents will live there
Again No
Just end it hes trying to financially abuse you

goody2shooz · 20/04/2026 06:49

@HolyCheeses oh crikey - just read the latest post re ‘have to get a lodger then’ and the spreadsheet with the cleaner etc.
RUN!! Fgs do not move for this Scrooge!

dontletmedownbruce · 20/04/2026 06:50

The weird part of this, is why he’s so unable to understand your reservations and your reluctance.

tnorfotkcab · 20/04/2026 06:51

Just say you want to be on the deeds... 50% ownership
.... See what he says then.

Hollycoco · 20/04/2026 06:52

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:43

I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

Bear in mind I knew nothing of his finance plans u til very recently. I had concerns about moving so far away previously but none of this makes it an attractive proposal to me. I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Then the spreadsheets came out !

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It’s very concerning that he is purchasing a huge house that he can’t actually afford to pay for himself, without a girlfriend or lodger. His risk taking and lack of sensible financial planning would be a huge issue for me. Especially if he is going to be subsidising his parents too.

AggroPotato · 20/04/2026 06:52

The other point to consider is elderly parents in the annexe.

Do you fancy being a free carer for them, if they need it in later years?

I'd avoid on that basis, even if the finances were fair. I have zero intention of doing personal care for elderly people, especially ones I'm not related to. It's a relentless, hard job and people who do it have my respect. But that's not me.

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 20/04/2026 06:53

Please don't move in with this man

Please don't give him any money

It is very clear to see that he's using you .....dreadful situation 😖

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/04/2026 06:53

Maybe it would be fair for you to pay 25% of the mortgage interest (not capital repayments) and 25% bills (or 50% if the annexe has separate bills). I’d also be concerned about what his parents will want/expect from you.

ThatCyanCat · 20/04/2026 06:53

dontletmedownbruce · 20/04/2026 06:50

The weird part of this, is why he’s so unable to understand your reservations and your reluctance.

Add to that the fact that he doesn't seem to be able to afford the property.

AirborneElephant · 20/04/2026 06:54

I am a firm believer that the non-owner partner should pay rent and normally at close to a market rate. They would have to pay rent somewhere.

BUT he’s guilty of a different issue. When two partners earn different amounts, the higher earner has a choice. Either they live a lifestyle appropriate to the lower income that the lower earner is happy to pay, or the higher earner pays more. He does not get to choose how you spend your money.

And that’s before the fact that IIUC he’s asking you to move out of your owned property and rent his, which would clearly leave you much worse off. How would you pay to finish your renovation and what assets would you end up with?

You would be mad to accept. Set a budget you’re ok with for rent and bills and stick with it. Make sure you don’t compromise your own long term security.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/04/2026 06:55

I’d love to see what he would charge a lodger!

Id go back to the discussion with my figures - clear earnings, payments etc and then my proposal.

He cannot think what he is offering would be worthwhile.

Hopefully he rethinks, if not, easy goodbye.

Whyherewego · 20/04/2026 06:55

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:43

I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

Bear in mind I knew nothing of his finance plans u til very recently. I had concerns about moving so far away previously but none of this makes it an attractive proposal to me. I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Then the spreadsheets came out !

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Well at least there was a spreadsheet! To be honest i think that is a good thing as it shows everything clearly.

You're not ready for this move OP. So that's that really. The money isn't the issue at the heart of this. I mean it's an issue but the real point is this isn't your dream. This is his dream. So I think you just need to be honest and tell him that youve had second thoughts about everything. Don't fob him off with the delay in preparing your house for sale ... you are just not sure that this move is right for you and you need to tell him that

ThatCyanCat · 20/04/2026 06:56

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:43

I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

Bear in mind I knew nothing of his finance plans u til very recently. I had concerns about moving so far away previously but none of this makes it an attractive proposal to me. I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Then the spreadsheets came out !

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So he knew the plan, in fact planned it very carefully, but avoided telling you because he knew it was an appalling deal for you, and now he's acting the wounded pup because you aren't skewering yourself as he planned.

Sexy.

Steelworks · 20/04/2026 06:57

HolyCheeses · 20/04/2026 06:43

I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

Bear in mind I knew nothing of his finance plans u til very recently. I had concerns about moving so far away previously but none of this makes it an attractive proposal to me. I’ve asked for months what would be expected of me financially and how would the responsibility be divvied up and he kept being evasive until I told him not to include me in any plans as I could agree to such huge risk on a punt

Then the spreadsheets came out !

Show quote history

The truth will out.

He needs someone to help subsidise his plans. He sees you as his friend with benefits, financial and otherwise.

OpheliaNightingale · 20/04/2026 06:57

@HolyCheeses I’m surprised he is asking for half the mortgage, as this might give you a stake in the property if ever you separated..He will be better off by you moving in. You will be so so much worse off to the point that you will have nothing left after the bills. This puts you in a very vulnerable situation should you be in the position of needing to leave. I think you are going to have to think very carefully about yourself and what you want, as this man is not thinking about you at all (don’t think about what he wants, put that firmly to one side). I’m guessing this man only has his own interests at heart. If you do go ahead and move in, perhaps the fairest would be to charge you the same as you would be paying if you didn’t move in. Then he benefits from that and you are not disadvantaged. Although that still leaves him benefiting more from the arrangement than you..I guess in more ways than just financially.

Steelworks · 20/04/2026 06:59

tnorfotkcab · 20/04/2026 06:51

Just say you want to be on the deeds... 50% ownership
.... See what he says then.

Yes!

Witchonenowbob · 20/04/2026 06:59

You know he’s wrong! Well done for telling him that! 👏.

katgab · 20/04/2026 07:00

What’s the plan as his parents age? Are they going to buy in care if needed or are you going to become their carer? What happens if they need to move to a care home (most people don’t but it can happen)? No chance would I sign up for this in your shoes (and I speak as someone with recent experience of caring for my elderly mother).

This is not a good deal for you and I wouldn’t give up my hard won home and freedom, that I can afford, for this. Not very romantic for sure but I think the reason you’re not keen on the idea is your gut is telling you it’s not good for you.