Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I am with you op it’s selfish. My parents are obsessed with saving money, they are both pensioners and literally just have cars sat in the garage they never touch as they are “assests”. They live like they are in poverty, yet have no actual need too they are very well off. Both due inheritances from parents soon which is more major substantial money.

My siblings lives in a house with 1950s fittings and we live on the bread line. 🤷‍♀️ both said one day they will pass the money on, but we’ll both be in our 70s/80s by then so pointless for us.
and no my parents never helped we have occasionaly asked for help when we’ve been stuck but it must always be repaid.
My dad isn’t in the best of health, and guess who will be expected to look after them when it gets worse? Yes you guessed it despite being a carer my entire adult life. I already help my mother with things now they even share my netflix account as they don’t want to pay for it themselves.

@Holesinmesocks
At least she's well financed for old age care if she needs it.
She's spending HER money how she wants to, you don't have to like it in any capacity.

Quite.
Must be so frustrating not to be able to wield the usual threat that "If you don't look after us, you won't be looked after in your old age."
Sounds like she'll be fine if she needs care and if the money has to go on that and there's none left...ah well.

You will get loads of people telling you how terrible you are for even suggesting that she might want to help. But I’m fully with you. Hoarding family money while your children are struggling is pretty grim of her.

Not entirely true. If she was in a home where the LA don’t commission care (possibly too expensive) she would have had to move nursing home to somewhere the LA would fund

But money makes money, doesn't it? It's much harder if you literally have nothing.

BIL & SIL have no savings, and significant credit card debt. No capital to start a business (even if they had a business idea).

MIL was gifted a money making business and a house to live in. Then that money made more money. Hell, even if you just shoved money in a bog standard ISA, or an NS&I bond, it's constantly making more money, without you lifting a finger.

@Rainbowdottie “extensive travel” and “frugal” are quite the oxymoron. You can choose how to spend your money in your retirement, but be honest about it. You put travel higher in your priorities than helping your son with a deposit for a property. It’s ok to do that, and having him live with you is a different way of helping, but people wouldn’t be wrong to suggest you could help your son if you really wanted to.

I agree with you.

But I bet your MIL thinks they are not trying hard enough themselves. Not 'bettering' themselves. MIL has likely forgotten the help she received and now only recalls the hard work she put in to make it successful / continue to be successful.

Just to say some elderly Dr's mainly ime are absolutely terrified of old age and know their adult children would not care for them. I know of one case sadly very close to me, where an elderly retired gp regularly with draws cash and sleeps with a suitcase of it under his bed (tens if not hundreds of thousands of pounds) so his lovely daughter in Australia can pop on the first flight over when he snuffs it and avoid declaring. His biggest fear is not being able to pay for care. He has a cleaner an ex patient he treats well. Noone else cares. Gives me the rage. He always pays if I take him out but believe me his daughter is watching. Horrid, she has claimed that he beat her as a child & the nice gentleman I see was not always the case. I dont know what to think apart from feeling deeply uncomfortable about the ££.

Its her money, she can do as she pleases with it.

I find it so grabby and greedy when others try to inject their feelings/needs into someone else's finances.

If your dh is 70 when he inherits he is still incredibly lucky, and you children will also benefit, but your MIL will be dead.

Maybe enjoy the time she is alive and that she is enjoying the money she has living a nice life, because many people dont

Perhaps she saw how her situation hasn’t been good for her and wants her sons to make their own way in the world.

In any case, it’s up to BIL to sort out his own life and ask her for help if he needs it.

Same here, she's obviously aware but is making an informed choice not to help.

She may have notions about the importance of being self sufficient. I also know some people who feel like female children are to be supported but male children are expected to make their own way. So there may be antiquated thinking around that. Or perhaps bil has made a conscious choice to seperate from her and to not take anything from her due to strings being attached and that's his choice. You may not have the full picture and really there's no such thing as 'free' money.

This. ^ No-one should be told what to do with their own money, but it takes a special kind of cold heart to watch your adult children and their families struggle financially whilst you're sitting on millions. I would quietly ghost her. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life, and when she needs care she can pay for it out of her 'millions.'

I couldn't live with myself if I had multiple millions and my children were on the bones of their arse.

There HAS to be more to this. What kind of person keeps all their millions to themselves and doesn't help their loved ones when they need it?

YANBU @hoardingwealth

I think it is different if you have built up a fortune from nothing and want to see others do the same vs being given a leg up. As pp have said generational wealth doesn't happen on its own, you have to pass it down in small amounts over a period of time to bring everyone up with you.

The OP MIL is going to take this generational wealth and pay loads of it to HMRC - maybe she has strong views on that being the right thing to do, who knows.

Is there any relationship between the sons and their mother at all?

Surely she can see BIL lives in a shabby house with nothing to his name? Why don’t they just ask for some of the inheritance now. MIL sounds oblivious to the way her sons are living or maybe they treated her badly before and she thinks they don’t ‘deserve’ any or she can’t trust them with it.

Maybe she will leave it to the cats home and leave them with nothing!

What privileged upbringing? OP has said they went to normal comprehensive school and had to buy their own driving lessons. Even my minimum wage earning parents paid for my driving lessons in comparison.

I think the fact she inherited in the first place is important, and she’s not strictly hoarding all the money, as she’s spending quite a lot on herself.

I mean obviously it’s her money, but she got quite a lot of it by luck - and the luck helped her make more money, but the sounds of it.

And she sounds fabulously wealthy, rather than just well off. As though she wouldn’t even notice the loss of a sum that would be life changing to your BIL.

So I think YANBU

I definitely couldn’t watch my children struggle whilst I sat on massive wealth and had numerous long haul holidays, business class every year. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy one bit of it.

You can’t make her help her sons but it is horrible.

@SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack My siblings lives in a house with 1950s fittings and we live on the bread line.

are you all working full time?
in an expensive area?

am surprised that 1950s fittings are still safe to use! Do they know that some government grants can help with funding new heating systems?

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance

She might leave every penny to a hospice or an animal charity.

My parents gave me f all, even though I ran around after them both and had breakdown when my dad died.

Don't count your childrens inheritance chickens...

What an awful, selfish woman she is. No decent person would want to watch their children struggle when they had all this wealth (mostly inherited, from what you say).

That's a fair point.
Also, there is no need for @hoardingwealth, her DH or BIL to do any running around after this selfish woman at all.

Perhaps it depends on whether her son has done his best in life so deserves her support

You are also watching BiL struggle while you describe yourselves as ok for money.

I think if you and/or your DH are not helping his brother, either practically or by advocating to your MiL, then you are also part of the problem. Of course you have no obligation to your BiL but you know his family is struggling. It would be lovely if MiL volunteered assistance but your DH could ask her to help.

What does that even mean? The BIL and his wife are apparently both working. He isn't a drug addict who is in and out of prison. Even if he was, a decent parent should wonder what part they played in this.

My parents have nothing. Not even life insurance. To be honest, they're not even parents. I don't speak to my mum, my dad was awol for the first 21 years of my life. I have never, and will never receive anything from them. But they don't have it to give, even if they wanted to. However, I have several friends who have really well off parents, they are active in their children's/grandchildrens lives and could really make a hugely beneficial impact by helping their children to buy their first home, or get a better car when theirs needs massive repairs.. But they don't. I find it so strange. To be this well off, and never think to alleviate the stresses of your own children or grandchildren. So weird. I'm thankfully, finally getting to a place where I am able to save towards deposits for my kids first homes, to give them that wee bit of help to get started, if I forego a few holidays over the next couple of years, forego a new car, I can help to set them up for life. I don't know why anybody wouldn't want to do that for their own children.