Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

There's another thread here today where DH has been lambasted for talking to MIL, telling her she'll be the richest corpse and that she should help the ailing brother. OP was advised to LTB for suggesting they should hand over inheritance early.

The generational wealthy are that way becuase they work to keep their family wealthy. If you want your family to succeed you have to help the future generations. Otherwise the wealth is lost and you end up, as a family, another working class family struggling to make ends meet.

I dont think its OK to sit on money when your children are struggling, yes its hers, now, but she didn't earn it, she was given it by those above her who believed in helping their families future generations.

I couldn't be comfortable and watching my children struggling. If she was barely comfortable and had enough to sustain herself for 25 years and possibly leave a little behind if she is lucky added doesn't need alot of care thats differnt. You have to think how much would earn in total for the next 25 years. Thats how much she needs to have in savings, it would sound like alot but when you split it over 300 months its possibly not that much.

If she's so wealthy that she could very easily help her children and not notice the effects on herself then its really just greed isnt it. Were not talking a cousin helping everyone even semi relatd. Were talking a mother helping her own children.

Eh I know a few older people like this including my DM. I leave them to it. You don’t know all the ins and outs of her finances really.

It doesn’t make sense to me as a parent both morally but also from an Inheritance Tax (IHT) and succession planning. DH and I have two young adult DC and maybe 5-10 yrs left in work. We’ve already started the IHT and business hand over planning with the DC.

I would not leave my DC struggling whilst I lived in comfort. I would expect them to be making a reasonable effort to do something but that something wouldn’t have to be highly paid.

If she is as wealthy as you think I am surprised she isn’t looking at managing the transition of the business to the younger generation. She should also be taking IHT planning advice.

This!

I couldn't see my kids struggling if I had the means to support them.

If you're dropping ££££ on extensive travel and you have ££££ in investments, why can't you gift your son a deposit for a flat? You don't even have to give him the deposit actually, he could get a Family Springboard mortgage, where you place the deposit in an account, and after 5 years you get it back with interest. The interest rate beats any ISA interest rate hands down too.

I know a family whose massive inheritance went to the RNLI and a cats home (nothing wrong with that but ...). One parent died, the other married again and died. Due to a badly-written will and not managing the tax position, the family ended up in a misunderstanding with the surviving step-(grand)parent. They rewrote their own will, died and gave away most of the family assets.

I can’t imagine having millions and watching my son struggle for money but.. My grandad was also very wealthy and he didn’t help my mum financially when me and my brother were growing up. As an adult I can see why, my mum was completely irresponsible and it wouldn’t have helped, she’d have just blown it on crap anyway. None of us ended up inheriting a penny in the end, it all went to his new wife who he entrusted to pass it on to his grandchildren once she died, she didn’t, she left the lot to her own daughter.

So what happened with life choices? You and dh v comfortably off and bil scraping by?
has bil expected mil to fund him at some point?

Why is your BIL so broke?

So she’s also a business woman.

maybe approach her in that capacity?

Are there any ways you could go into her business with her? Undertake tasks she delegates or services she pays for?

Because then you would actually deserve the money and not just be sponging off her.

She would probably see you as more deserving too.

I completely understand that she can do what she wants with her money, but if you were able to improve the lives of your children (and their children) materially (and with little impact on yourself), why wouldn’t you?

Most people get by without this help. Inheritance is a bonus not a right.

If I ever make my fortune, I can’t imagine not using it to benefit the family as a whole. I don’t really see what the point in having money is, if the family doesn’t benefit. Watching a child and their offspring live on the breadline like that while living in a massive mansion is just morally bankrupt.

The number of people on Mumsnet who are opposed to wealth redistribution even in a family context makes me feel like humanity is doomed tbh. Bit bleak for a Sunday but there we go.

YANBU I would get your dh to speak to his mum. But he will need to be very careful. Odds on he’s the most respected as you’re financially ok.

OP has said:

'She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially.'

So she got a leg up when her parents were alive and inherited after they died.

Unless there is some back story where OP's MIL's sons have treated her badly, I think she is being pretty awful to let the poorer son and his young family struggle to make ends meet when she is so incredibly wealthy and could easily afford to help them without having to make any sacrifices herself.

BIL and partner are on minimum wage. They both work, but are stuck in min wage jobs. Partner works term time too, as there's no money for childcare. They met rather late in life. SIL walked away from first marriage with nothing to her name. It's all just circumstantial. BIL has never asked for anything, nor would he. MIL & BIL have a nice relationship. No fallings out or anything weird.

‘I can’t wrap my head around it’

You don’t need to it’s non of your business! It’s her money and up to her how she spends it regardless of what you would do if you were the one with all the money.

Maybe she thinks her son is a lazy waster who doesn’t deserve any help.
Id be pretty disappointed in my kids if they’d had such a privileged upbringing and ended up in a council flat with multiple children they couldn’t afford

It does strike me that it's not your problem in two different ways. It's not your money and it's not you struggling for money.

So one suggestion is wind your neck in?

Why don't you help out BIL? Even a few hundred a month would help. Oh, wait - that's different isn't it?

This happens a lot. For what ever reason this lady isn’t generous with her wealth.

you want part of it now. She doesn’t want to give it to you.

This is happening in part of my family. I might be wrong but the money is power. The mother in the situation I am observing (from a bit of a distance) isn’t well liked, and holds the money over her five children. One has walked away (for many reasons) but the other four swarm around her, tolerate her saying awful things, ignore how she plays their children off against each other in the hope of a big inheritance.

she owns many houses but two of her children live in rented cramped houses in their forties. None have done particularly well in live and were raised to assume they would have houses bought for them and a family business to walk into. Neither happened. They have no drive, no ambition (apart from getting their hands on their mothers money) yet think they are better than other people because their mum is wealthy!

it’s no way to live. Paddle your own canoe.

I agree with you OP.
what is the point of hanging onto a fortune (which will incur massive inheritance tax) when you could gift to family when they actually need it.

She can do as she likes with her money, personally I couldn’t sit back and watch my kids struggle if I could help them, but it seems plenty can. However if I were the brother in law I wouldn’t be going out of my way to help her when she’s approaching 95, she can spend her money on a care home.

My mum recently said to me she doesn’t ever want to go into a care home, I told her I won’t be providing any free care, I don’t tell her it’s because when I’ve asked her for very modest financial help and practical help in the past, which she could well have afforded, she said no.

I hear you and find this strange too.
But then my own mother inherited 1 million from her mother. Cash. Not property.
She gave me 3% of this to pay my solicitor/ barrister as i am separating from my abusive ex. ( physical and emotional towards me and our children) money is gone. I am scraping at the barrel to pay for solicitor ( 4 court dates so far, at least one more) . This is just for a non molestation order ( granted) and child arrangement order. They have no mortgage on their home. Reasonable pension. Money inherited has just gone into savings. It puzzles me but at the same time I know they are not responsible for me.
I think people have different feelings towards money. My mother always worries about being destitute.