Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

It's so easy spending other people's money

Can your DH sit her down for a chat on behalf of his brother?

There is nothing you can do about it, so the best thing to do is focus on living your own life.

I guess with your BIL all you can do is be hopeful that his children will benefit from the inheritance.

Is a mil a dragon? “Hoarding” her own money?

She can do what she wants with her own money.

YANBU. Obviously no one should expect help and people can spend their money how they like, but that doesn’t mean watching your child struggling and not helping when you could isn’t a bit shitty. I would offer help if it was needed and I could.

honestly? of COURSE she is "hoarding" her own money with family like that she is going to have to rely on paid help until she finally carks it and you can all make whoopie on her dime.

I think when you would make different choices yourself, it's hard to understand why a wealthy parent wouldn't do more to share that with their children. But ultimately she can see for herself that her son is financially struggling and doesn't offer any support. Her choice. But not one I would understand either.

She has 2 sons. Notoriously they don't provide adequate care for aging mothers. (I KNOW! no need to say it)

You will get a pile on about how entitled it is to expect MIL to share any of her wealth with BIL.

Meanwhile, 90% of us would take great pleasure in being able to lift our DC out of a difficult financial situation.

Yes, it think that’s just bizarre to have benefited from the help yourself, have the funds and still offer nothing - not even a wedding payment? Did she pay for private school, first cars, driving lessons etc? Do you all get on well with her aside from this?

Of course you can’t dictate what others do with their money but it doesn’t seem normal imho to not want your DC to live comfortable lives if you can.

Even if she was gone a business to keep it successful will have been hard work. Perhaps she feels she’s entitled to enjoy her retirement? Perhaps she disapproves of BIL’s choices and feels he should make changes/earn more? Perhaps she’s worried about care home fees which can easily be £100k+ Pa and can’t afford to give away any income generating assets?

if you’re comfortable and BIL isn’t why don’t give him some of your money?

Did she get a leg up or inherit? If she inherited when her parents died, I'd say that is different to actively choosing to distribute early.

Have either of them asked for help?

You’ll get loads of people on here telling you you’re being grabby, it’s her money blah blah. But I’m with you op!. Why would you watch your own child and grandchildren struggle when they don’t need to.

Also this is a good idea. Even if your DH said it as “we are ok for money but brother could do with help”. Or she could offer a reduced rent house for him.

I would feel the same as you OP.
Yes, it is her money and she can do what she wants with it, but I too find it odd that very wealthy parents do make the choice not to help family out.
Unfortunately there’s probably not a lot that you can do about it. Hopefully the grandchildren will benefit from a good inheritance when the time comes.

Well what’s the difference in yours and BIL lifestyle?
mn full of posts bemoaning their financial situations… then the op will disclose they work 3 hrs 3 times a week in a “very niche, low paid role, but they love it and is their dream job”,..

Surprised there has been no conversation about inheritance already. I assume she’s made a Will (fingers crossed). Estates can be complicated beasts, and Probate can take up to 18 months, so all that needs to be planned out.

…and yes, I would help my kids & grandkids out, it’s nice to treat people - there are no pockets in a shroud.

You will get a lot of responses about how it is her money and her choice. Which is absolutely true.

I agree in principle though, it doesn't seem fair. I have a family member who lives a great life with multiple properties, holidays etc while their child lives in one room. I don't understand it either. However I don't feel you can change it, people make their own decision - however we may view it

Unless there's a back story re the relationship between mother and sons etc. I think that's an awful way to live a life of wealth. Not helping out children in need of it when the potential donor wouldn't miss it in the slightest, is very mean and cruel IMO.

It is just that, and most "normal" people would think the same.

But as I said, no one knows the history of the family bonds etc.

I would find it hard to understand as well OP. Like you we are helping our adult children to get started in adult life (without enabling them - they’re both mature enough to understand the value of the support).

But MIL is a different person. She may be driven by fear of not having enough (ludicrous though that would seem from the outside), she may have no understanding of the reality of BILs life. She may just be greedy and find meaning in wealth.

Whatever her motivations all you can do is know you are different and let it go.

Think op is already on the countdown for that!
She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

What’s the story with your BIL? Why is he on his uppers? Is he ill, or has he had a traumatic childhood/ young adulthood?

I disagree with the idea that every wealthy family member has to bail out the rest of their family and TBH it quite often makes things worse. Resentment, judgment, jealousy from other siblings. It can be totally toxic. Plus surely adults should be able to stand on their own feet in most cases?

I think I’d be encouraging your DH to focus on how he can help his brother and forgetting about your MIL.

If you’re saying she might potentially live to her 90s doesn’t she have to find that and keep her lifestyle going until then too? My mum used to help us with bills, pay for the odd fuel order, electricity, she got us out of trouble a lot. She wasn’t rich and i thought at what point does this step? So we lied about how we were doing (oh we’ve gotten up to date, thank you thank you). I don’t totally understand that she doesn’t help a bit but are you totally sure she never has? Because if my siblings knew all my dm had done for us I’ve no doubt there’d be rumblings. And if she hasn’t and they’re struggling so much where does she draw the line? A holiday? The house? College fund?

I would think knowing you were going to be financially secure in your old age would be quite nice but when she does pass your dh can pass the money straight down to your kids rather than "hoarding" it. And you never know your luck, she may drop dead tomorrow, then think how happy you'll be. Or she could leave it all to the local cat shelter , of course, so probably best to keep your feelings well hidden.