Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

My guess is this mother in law doesn’t really exist!

At least she's well financed for old age care if she needs it.
She's spending HER money how she wants to, you don't have to like it in any capacity.
If bil wants help he can ask for it, maybe just maybe mil is so wrapped up in her own world she is protected from the outside one and doesn't realise that others are experiencing hardshils within her own family.
It's a typical us and them mentality. Oh , those poor people living rough or in shanty towns how terrible, then heading back to your comfortable home / hotel never to give those 'poor people' another thought. We've all done it in some capacity, unless someone claims to be a living saint on here.

She absolutely can, but others can judge her as they want, and adjust their relationships relative to how she treats them.

DGM sat on her wealth, always with the promise of “you’ll have a good inheritance when I’m gone”. Meanwhile, DM in social housing, is sat in the house in her coat all winter because she can’t afford her bills. DM was one of 5 siblings. 3 boys, who did well for themselves, whilst the two women were left to struggle as single parents after marriage break downs, before the introduction of CMS and tax credits, so ran up debts.
DM was working full time and caring for DGM before she went into a nursing home, where all the inheritance, bar £5k each, was eaten up by care fees.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s only right that she paid for her care, and I’m glad she was in a nice place, but I just can’t fathom watching your offspring eating sandwiches for Sunday lunch because they can’t afford food, or having your child and grandchildren washing in cold water because they don’t have money for the meter, when you have ££££’s in the bank.
I would never see my DC struggle like that!

Seems financially illiterate to hoard generational wealth like this. She could be picking up a few bills out of her surplus income for a start unless she does genuinely need to whole lot sustain her chosen lifestyle for decades and potentially fund top end care in the future.

As always first post nails it

MYOB @hoardingwealth

Likely this is another "Booooooomers!" wind up thread though

Gosh that's awful, I'm so sorry.

Same. MiL sounds insane.

She can spend her money as she wishes blah blah blah but I would feel resentment too, particularly as she herself got help.
Personally I wouldn’t say anything but would bear it in mind if she wants anything. Wants a meal out? Sorry can’t afford to go with you. Lift somewhere? Sorry too tired from working all week / can’t afford the time off work. I honestly would struggle to enjoy socialising with her, listening to details of her nth holiday whilst I was struggling with how to make the mortgage this month. You reap what you sow.

Can't tell you the reason as in same position myself.

My very wealthy in-laws spend ridiculous amounts of money on themselves, knowing their children would benefit greatly from just a small amount of their future inheritance now. All of IL money has been inherited: there was a lot more before.

Financially, we're ok - no savings but enough to live. One of my sil in particular is struggling - ex took off and left her and kids with huge debts. We help where we can but can't afford much. In-laws don't help whatsoever.
They recently inherited more from an elderly aunt. They spent some of it on a party for her 70th birthday which included hiring a castle and cost more than a wedding. SIL could have cleared debts with less than they spent.

In contrast, my parents, who don't have very much themselves and live very frugal lives, will give whenever they can.

Like you OP, I wouldn’t be able to understand it.

I don’t even think it’s about the amount of wealth she has, or how she currently spends her money. Just as a mother, wouldn’t you want your children/grandchildren to be comfortable if you were able to help?

I don’t have much money but I’m forever giving my adult children bits of cash here and there. I do it because I love them and would give them the shirt off my back if needed.

I think this is the important post.

I wouldn't mind betting that she feels he and his partner don't put enough effort in themselves to bettering themselves.

I am not saying that is right, merely that a lot of older people see younger people as not knowing how to budget and spending beyond their means and are reluctant to encourage / support that by extending their means. They want to see / hear the person aiming for a higher income themselves, whether that be working more hours, seeking higher paid work.

I think lots of the people saying how dare you think about her money! are the same ones who wouldn’t say no to first car / gap year / Uni / wedding help / house deposit / free childcare / school fees / holidays etc…

I'm with you OP. Yes it's selfish.

This is awful. If your DGM had given your DM money years ago, then she would have still received the same care, the money would have just run out sooner and the State would have stepped in.

Whilst this is certainly true would you live that sort of lifestyle whilst your child and grandchildren were crammed into a tiny house?
Surely you would at least let them live rent free in one of your many properties?
Im with you op, DH and I have only ever earned average salaries but we managed to save some money to help our adult DC’s get on the housing ladder. We understand how hard it is nowadays and even if houses were cheap we would still want to help them because we love them.

It's none of your business what she does with her own money. I'm sure she has her reasons.

I can't imagine being worth millions, especially through pure luck (inheritance/lottery win) and sitting by watching my loved ones struggle to get by day to day. Especially children (grandchildren) through no fault of their own.

It may be in bad taste to wonder about this or ask the question as some on here believe, but I think it's an even worse look to live the life of riley based on the hard work of others (people who left you the money) while your own children and grandchildren are on the bread line through no fault of their own.

Tricky one but I suspect MIL in some way disapproves of your BIL financial management. Being on minimum wage jobs and having child (? Children) without having clear financial plans.
No idea why she doesn't help the child/children and bypass him. Set up trust funds etc. That would be good financial planning to avoid inheritance tax.

FIL was fairly wealthy (no where near the scale of yours) but went the other way. Bought new car every 3 years and passed "old" one to my SIL as she "doesn't have much".. Even in later years when no longer driving paid everything for her. Tax, mot, service, meals out.. She is now struggling as he passed and the money tree has gone until probate is sorted. So I wonder if you mil thinks they may be irresponsible with the money?

Perhaps OP doesnt know the family background, as she married into the family.

Perhaps the BiL has refused to work, not taken opportunities, had drug or alcohol issues.
It could be ‘tough love’, BiL needs to earn his own money, build his own success and not live off others.

Could be any reason or no reason. But her choice.

My parents (when I asked why they live very poorly) said they were scared of money running out and being ‘back where they started’. I didn’t know until that conversation that my DM had to drop out of her grammar school education because her family hadn’t enough money to pay for the bus to get her there. Yes, they have loads saved too, but they want to be able to look after themselves. They have every right to do that.

Maybe she doesn't like her kids or their choice of partners or life choices. It might be the cost of living, but there are loads of threads about relatives not giving people money and stuff where it's obvious they don't even like each other. It makes the expectation of help and gifts strange and lacking awareness.

I agree op, sound weird. Why wouldn't you help your children have a decent quality if life if you could? Can you dp have a chat with her about helping out BIL? As others have said also makes sense of future IHT planning...

3% is 30,000, I wouldn’t really say that is awful

I wouldn't call taking 'several long haul holidays every year, always business class' hoarding money, would you?. That's quite an expense and one that I'd never be able to afford. Still, it's nice to see her enjoying her money.

People need to understand that 'inheritance' happens after death and stop obsessing about it. Enjoy your own life. Your health is your wealth.

You're going to get a lot of flack for this OP from the 'it's her money and she can do as she damn well pleases' parade. Which bottom line is true.

It doesn't make it less of a shitty thing to do as a parent. I think most of us would give our last tenner for our children, so to recieve an enormous leg up yourself and then not help your children in return is pretty odd parenting behaviour- however I will caveat that with seemingly a fairly common attitude within the boomer generation from my own experience (this is obviously opinion, not fact before I'm jumped on by a bunch of overtly generous boomers).