Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I hope so. Leaving it all to The Cats Protection would avoid a lot of these unpleasant issues.

I'm so glad I don't have any wealth. I'd hate to think of someone waiting for me to die so they could get their hands on what I have, or valuating my life in financial terms and being annoyed that they can't get it. I know the CoL is hard but is it really coming down to this?

Yes, that sounds a lot. But has solely gone to my solicitor. All used up. Can't borrow against the house as its in both our names. I have had to turn heating and hot water off. Luckily we also have an electric shower. I pay alot for extracurricular stuff for kids and save a bit for them every month. That will have to stop now too. My car is 15 years old and has done 140000 miles.
BUT
I am not asking her for money. However my parents live in a different country, my father has terminal cancer. I speak to them at least once a day. They want me to visit again soon and I just cant afford it.
But I will be damned if I ask for money. I won't and I haven't.
So please dont judge. As they do have well over 1 million sitting in saving accounts and use less than their pension ( by far) on their monthly outgoings so it wasn't actually a significant amount for them. They get more in interest from their savings than what they gave me.
But that's okay. It's their money and their choice and I get it.
I would do it differently though, hence why I have tried to save money since my children were born.

She's not hoarding her wealth, she's spending it on a very nice lifestyle for herself.

Both of these things are true though. I’d definitely give my children money in this situation but I also think OP’s MIL is entitled to make her own choices and not be accused of “hoarding” her own property.

I also think that a lot of people on here have very little idea about the level investment you need to sustain a decent lifestyle in retirement. No idea of the MIl’s exact situation of course but if you want an income of £40k a year the standard advice is that you need £1m invested. I’ve seen many posts over the years on here where in-laws are accused of selfishness for having assets that would sustain a moderate lifestyle. Working age people have one very valuable asset- the ability to earn money and for that income to increase over time. Retirees are in a completely different position- often on a fixed income or else at the mercy of the markets. It’s absolutely standard to have a reasonable financial buffer and it’s grim how often daughters (or even more often, DILs) on here seem to think that’s an outrageous thing to do.

Again I don’t know the MIl’s finances here. But things like having rental properties don’t mean she has more than she needs. It’s an income stream.

I find the tone of OP’s post thoroughly unpleasant tbh, especially her grumbling about the likelihood of her MIL living to an advanced age, when the unselfish thing to do would be hurry up and die so that other people can have her stuff.

It’s always the ones who had help who end up like your MIL. I couldn’t let my child struggle financially if I had money, I just could not be like that.

@BrickBiscuit I'm not an AI fan but cant be bothered to search out the surveys

• So from AI Average Early Inheritance: Studies indicate a wide range in average transferred assets, often cited around £32,920 per child in some surveys, with another 2025 estimate averaging £18,212 for dependents.
• Median Inheritance Amount: Data indicates the median amount inherited directly from a parent is approximately £22,000, while grandparent-to-grandchild gifts have a median of £5,000.
• Regional Variation: Early inheritance transfers show regional differences, with an average value of £23,157 in the South West and £12,495 in Scotland.

Anyone can post anything on mumsnet and threads have been made up since the site began, initially by the owners. Journalists, teenagers, political bots, other country bots - they like to practise their creative writing and/or try to influence people.

I couldn't watch my DC or DGC go without while I sat on a lot of money. Maybe your Mil is worried about deprivation of assets if she might need a care home.

What is it with MN being so grabby of other people’s money? However she got it, it is hers and it’s not like you are all going to have to fund any care. If she has any inkling of how you feel then she may want to leave it to charity.

Its such a nasty attitude to have, it’s no wonder shes not sharing the wealth.

As a mother I wouldn't stand by and watch my adult child suffering like that.

What would happen if you refused to be a carer for your dad? They sound like pretty awful people. They are mean and uncaring but still think that they are entitled to hands-on support from you when they have never done anything for their children but the bare legal minimum.

Change your Netflix password and let the tight gits pay for their own Netflix account.

She sounds bloody mean and Scrooge like. It sounds like she’s got more than enough to go around but just doesn’t want to give. With an attitude like that, she’s probably going to be very lonely the older she gets.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance

This is never a given. Please do not pin all your hopes on it.

My dad doesn’t have the kind of money you are talking about OP, but he certainly is well off. For context, he earned over £10k in interest payments last year. He invested wisely when he was working and then received a significant inheritance when my grandma died.

I went to a normal state school, paid for my driving lessons (after a block of 5 paid for as a birthday present), paid for my car, worked part time from age 14, had no help with a house deposit and have never been given a “hand out”. Dad pays for a few meals out a year and gives nice birthday/Christmas presents to me and my children, but they are in the region of £50each.

I don’t feel I’m entitled to anything more. I’ve been brought up to work hard for what I have. I want my dad to enjoy the money he has while he can. I don’t begrudge his holidays or his new cars- they make him happy and that’s what I want for him. One day I will inherit something from him but that will mean I won’t have him anymore and I know what I’d rather have.

There will be all the comments about how she is tootally reasonable and it is her money and you are BU to expect otherwise - but I completely agree with you. Why wouldn;t you want to help your children/family, especially when you yourself benifitted from other people helping you?

DH's parents came into a life changing amount when they were early 20s and it has set them up for life. Various relatives died over the years and they got more and more - but did they distribute it to their children? No. They moved DH to the country when he was a teen and just when we anted to be close to his friends and easy access to school and social activities - did they care? No, just thought about what they wanted and he had to fit in. They had the cheek to tell him that when he was their age he would be set up as they would develop their big plot and he'd see the benefits - did he? No? He's over 20 years older than they were when they moved there. Now they want him to bend over backwards so that he can help them continue to live in that house - does he want to help them? Of course not - do they have a loving relationship, no, it's all based on obligation, and it is so sad.

My parents on the otherhand came from families with a lot less money, but they helped where they could. Consequently, my parents have helped us a lot, and continue to do so. They get pleasure from seeing their children benefit from the help they have been able to give them. I know what I'll be doing for my family.

She can afford to sort all that out herself and who wants visits with people who are just waiting for her to die?

The real issue on here is that people are transactional so like to say ‘well don’t help them when they are old’. It must be annoying that you can’t hold that over her head.

And perhaps she thinks that BIL will waste the money.

Yes exactly. If the MIL is so stingy and tight arsed while she's alive, there's a chance she may leave NOTHING to the OP's DH and his brother.

She may even spend it all before she dies.

It's a bit odd that the OP assumes that the MIL will leave everything to her DH and his brother, all the MILLIONS and the 6 bathroom MANSION, when she doesn't give them a brass farthing while she's alive.

Don't assume ANYthing @hoardingwealth

I wouldn’t change my netflix, purely for my mothers sake. She’s asked mutiple times to have it and my dad decided no they have freeview.
I don’t mind caring for them to an extent, i.e if they needed a food shop taking that’s absolutely fine or help cleaning their home again fine, it’s the other side of caring I do not want to do. My sibling doesn’t have much to do with the family and it would seem really uneven if I went in and did everything while they sat on their arse and did nothing but give excuses like they currently do!

Could it be that she doesn’t like SIL? Does SIL have her own kid/s, not with BIL?

You see a lot of posts on here on grandparents not accepting step grand children.

No adult is entitled to money from their parents or to inherit but as a parent i would want to help my kids out if I could ( although I would want to do so in a way that encourages them to also work hard and get a good career if they are capable)

It sounds as though she has a high-value estate, but might not have masses of liquid cash. Mil has two successful businesses, which presumably will be passed on again when she dies. You can’t withdraw a lot of equity from a successful business without selling assets and reducing its profitability. If you all want a nice fat inheritance when she dies, she’ll need to keep investing in and growing the businesses (family business and rental properties).

She is clearly going to need to pay for her own care when she needs it as her family isn’t in a position to help.

Even if she gave a deposit to BIL, I can’t see how he and SIL would get a mortgage, given their income and debt. So there isn’t much point. I also always question people having children they can’t afford - it is still a choice and nobody should go into parenthood unless they know they can support their children from their own resources.

I know in my family my parents and PILs would give us their last penny, but then we would do anything for them, too. But in the OP’s family I can actually understand why this situation could be different.

If I had a sibling and knew they were struggling financially and I knew my parent was very wealthy, I’d ask them (the parent) why wouldn’t they help out their son/daughter.

Because you're expected to do it doesn't mean you have to. Maybe think carefully now about what you'll do and what you won't (and maybe discuss with the siblings)?

There will probably be a reason why she isn't giving you or anyone else her money, maybe not one you'd like to hear or even agree with.

How I would feel about it is that it would be none of my business.