Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yanbu, I can’t imagine seeing my kids struggle along in life and not do anything.

I think the rules are different with multi-generational wealthy families.

Then it’s more like taking the whole parcel home half way through a game of pass-the-parcel. “But I was given it!” Yes, yes you were. But there’s a reciprocal expectation here that you have benefited from.

In theory it’s her money and nothing to do with you. Stand on your own two feet.

However, in your position I would feel exactly as you do. In fact I’d feel bordering on murderous. I just don’t understand how she wouldn’t want to help her kids now, when it would make such a difference.

I have a friend who was always in a similar situation to you. She and her husband worked SO hard, brought up their three kids on a shoestring budget. Only holidays were camping in the UK.

Then the old bat (she was a horrible woman) finally died. Our friends paid off their mortgage, retired (early 60s), gave they’d kids a deposit each for a property and bought a beautiful family villa in Portugal that they can all enjoy. They’re going on amazing holidays to far flung exciting places and having a whale of a time.

YANBU to feel exasperated.

There is a thread like this every week - very odd as I dont know anyone IRL like this.

This

She sounds miserable, I suppose your BIL may end up with it in the end and I guess it’s also fairly unusual for someone who grew up in privileged families to end up
as skint as him. I do tend to think richer people are more stingy than those of more modest means, that’s why they end up so rich in the first place.

Well yes of course she can, that is so beyond obvious why even bother to post it?
It's not a nice way to be though is it.
When you have squillions and you can see your family are struggling, says a lot about her character doesn't it.

You’re probably right to feel disappointed. But the money belongs to your MIL until she passes and is hers to do with as she chooses. I find it distasteful when people are mentally calculating how much longer their parent has left. It kind of sounds like they want them to pop off sooner so their wealth can be passed down.

So she’s also a business woman.

maybe approach her in that capacity?

Are there any ways you could go into her business with her? Undertake tasks she delegates or services she pays for?

Because then you would actually deserve the money and not just be sponging off her.

She would probably see you as more deserving too.

How much would gifting money to her adult kids impact on her lifestyle?

Would she have to go on less holidays/downsize/have less financial security? If she's healthy and hoping to live to a very old age then surely its sensible ensuring she has the means ro fund this.

Also, could bil better his situation himself? Does him and his partner (if he has one) work? Are they just expecting other to fund a lifestyle they want but can't afford?

I enjoy treating my kids and would like to do that if I ever get to a stage where I comfortably can.

But a lot depends on family dynamics. Is bil entitled? Does he show her compassion and care or is she just a potential pay check to him? These things all matter.

No. She hasn't paid for anything. DH and BIL went to a normal comprehensive. They paid for their own driving lessons and cars.

From an IHT point of view she'd be well advised to start divesting herself of the rental properties soon, they're sticky assets with poor liquidity and have nothing in the way of reliefs to alleviate the tax.

She doesn't have to do anything of course, it is after all her money and wealth.

If she's benefitted from a large inheritance and has an adult child who's struggling, it might be good of her to pay it forward. Plus there is the bonus of making her estate more tax efficient.

OP isn't asking for her money. She's doing fine. She's concerned about her brother in law, who is on need of support.

Inequality, greed and meanness is so ugly, isn’t it. There are so many people desperately struggling including her own kids and yet she’s throwing money around on business class flights and multiple bedrooms she has no need for. This isn’t about her saving for care homes, it’s rampant consumerism and frankly antisocial in the context of her kids and grandchildren struggling in the current brutal economic climate. it’s just very unappealing, she sounds gross

You probably do but they keep these dark dark thoughts to themselves.

Both. Her parents gave her a profitable business and a house when they were alive. And then when they passed,N she inherited a load more. Nothing was left to the grandkids.

I’d feel the same as you OP. As a mother I could never imagine living such a luxurious life meanwhile my children are struggling. My own mum would give me her last £10 if I needed it, I don’t understand parents that wouldn’t help if they had the money to do so!

Does she see her sons? Are they on good terms? If they are they could ask for help if they need it as an advance on their inheritance. If they aren't on good terms they may not get the money at all.

In theory she can do what she wants with her own money. In practice I find it disgusting when wealthy parents do this.

Honestly OP do all the what does it have to do with anyone else opinions which I get to some extent, I just feel like what a huge fuck up the values of these people have.

What is the point of money unless to share and enjoy with friends and family? In my family things get shared. I paid my dad’s unexpected tax bill once while they bought me a car another time. No one cares. My best mate subbed me for years when we lost an income unexpectedly but I had done the same for her earlier in life. Another friend won some cash and offered us thousands which I didn’t take because I had no need but it was a no strings offer and just for the joy of sharing good fortune. I am rich in assets and will sell and share before my children get old. Our assets are family assets and will be used for us all. I do expect children to be hard working but life isn’t fair and I don’t doubt that their working lives will be tougher than mine in many ways. I live in a house unaffordable to young couples who do my job and we own this on one income! If I can help with stability or fun I am up for either. The thought of living in luxury while watching my grandchildren live in relative poverty is grim.

Mean old cow!

People can say ‘it’s her money do do as she likes with’ until they’re blue in the face, but unless there’s estrangement, I really can’t understand anyone with plenty of money not wanting to help adult children who are struggling.

Yeah then it is "oh but BIL got x money, so why can't we?" or "it's ok when we inherit all that lovely money we can take it out of BILs share"

If MIL is 70 you may not be aware that they can be sprightly one month and then seriously start to decline at any point from around 75-80. My mum was driving at 80, going to various groups, and going abroad on holiday. By 82? gave up driving, gave up all her groups, has difficulty with mobility and is going into cognitive decline. It was shocking how quickly it went.

BIL is an adult who can (and has) make his own decisions and life choices.

Look on the bright side, Inheritance tax will take a big slice for the benefit of the community.

Sounds like Smaug in Lord of the Rings.

A lot of gen X might not be in line to inherit as much as that from their boomer parents but that generation benefited from salary to housing ratios which were unheard of before or since.

So, bloody what?

Make of your own life what it is. Do better with your kids if you can. Boomers are weird. Look at who they are more likely to vote for! Do different yourself.