AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

While this may be true it can take parents years to accept. Ask the parents of drug addicts and alcoholics. As a parent you have a history of being responsible for someone until they are eighteen and it doesn’t switch off easily. Who wants their child of any age to put themselves in danger? Of course people still worry about their adult children and they often need a lot of support to learn when to step back and when to offer help. I guess parents who never really cared would find it easier. Also adults are sometimes ambivalent about this, they want autonomy but part of them wants the parent to be concerned.

Yes thats quite plausible and possible. But as we know, the developing brain in particular has massive potential for neuroplasticity and so thoughts, behaviours and our environment can change how our brains work and function over time and even change the structure of our brains.

Honestly who'd have children... you deserve to die alone if you don't dedicate your final healthy years to THEIR children, but if instead they decide to cut you off, it's probably all your fault and no more than you deserve, and even trying to reach out to them makes you a boundary-stomping monster.

Totally agree with this.
My parents were good people who did their best and prioritised my db and I. Were they ‘perfect’ parents ? Of course not. They were humans, with their own difficulties. My Mum had a pretty traumatic and fractured childhood, with the death of one parent, which of course affected her. Both my parents were children during the war. They loved us, fed us, worked hard to provide for us and at times I am sure I was staggeringly ungrateful.
Sometimes our personalities and generational experiences would clash. All this is normal human interaction, none of us will be parented perfectly, or be perfect daughters, or get things right all the time with our own children, or partners, or siblings. I have children a few years younger than the OP, eldest is 21. I have made mistakes, and will no doubt continue to do so. My dc will make mistakes, this is just life.
Eldest dd is at university and I sometimes raise an eyebrow at how some of her (very privileged) friends talk about their parents. The one who is most grateful about his Mum is the one who has grown up with the least, whose single Mum has really had to struggle to support him.
Sometimes young adults blame everything on their parents and don’t look at their own shortcomings or failings, or even just the situations that weren’t really anybody’s fault, or where parents didn’t know what was happening.
This is not to diminish the pain of people who had parents who were properly abusive of course. But I have heard early-twenties people say critical things about their Mum or Dad that will read very differently at 35 with children of their own.
I send regular apologies up to the Heavens to my own mum, whenever my dc have been challenging and I remember my own late teen/young adult behaviour and attitude.
None of us get everything right, most of us do our best and have good motivations in particular when it comes to our children.
Forgiveness is a very underrated virtue at the moment. Blocking people is more common, but forgiveness and understanding make maturity and depth.
(Again, I am not talking about with cruelty or abuse here, some things are unforgivable).

There seems to be a so many potential contributing factors that are converging and compounding to have ended up in this place currently.

You need to consider the DD relationship within herself - what’s gone / going on with her emotional development - the anorexic is hugely significant. Is there any other signs of ND, addiction, MH issues in the family? You also always need to hold space in your mind for a secret, unprocessed, buried trauma she hasn’t told you about - emotional or CSA or grooming from sports coach, teacher, family member. Could she be suffering with EUPD? cPTSD?

There is a pattern of abandonment - of fleeing others and herself. You spoke about conflict in her late teens / issues with friends / boyfriends - and this seems to have been repeated with her relationships at Uni / post grad.

Are you aware of her having developed solid sustainable friendships - has she kept in touch with anyone from home, uni, masters, work etc? Or are the majority of her relationships intense and intimate?

I think as parents we need to be ready to be open and listen to how our intentions impacted our DCs - same in any / every social situation - as these are often two very different experiences. Only open communication - non defensive from you - with both having a goal of progress. I wouldn’t bother racking your brain as it will likely be something you are not aware of.

If she is intent on not telling you it’s because the trust isnt there that you will see, hear or acknowledge her experience / perception - and engaging with you will be counterproductive for her and she will end up hurt.

Mouth shut, door and heart open. I would approach this with deep respect and compassion - shes hurting and running from maybe herself, trauma, others, interpersonal relationships, her family, her background, her childhood and her Mum. That’s a painful place to be for her more than you - you are a grown adult with a lifetime of wisdom and looks like a settled / stable identity and home.

Maybe see some professional support for yourself to help you through and maybe some personal growth that gives space and changes the dynamic between you. It’s deeply painful for everyone involved and the only way forward is openness, understanding, respect, accountability and acceptance of where your DD is right now on her journey and compassion and hope.

I don’t think she has ever got over the reasons for her anorexia

She has gone from controlling food to controlling who she has around her.

Have you ever called her out on it. When she said she had moved again in January, I think a comment about her splitting with a boyfriend and being very predictable should have been made. And one about her not giving out her address to control you

I think that your relationship needs some rebalancing. Atm she feels like she is in charge. She can play with your feelings and do what she likes and has no consequences to her actions as she knows you will welcome her back with open arms.

For me a serious call out on her snotty, nasty controlling behaviour. She sounds like a selfish self absorbed little shit who can’t handle having a family because that sounds very ordinary
My guess is that each new city she reinvents her background. I think that she tells people you were abusive or drug addicts or was put into care or you are all dead, hence the reaction l of you turning up looking like nice middle class parents would expose her lies.

What is the boyfriend’s time frame. How long is she with them and I wonder if the split is something to do with them being suspicious of the lies
There is having very short term bfs/ONS but how long do her longer relationships lasting. Why are things always going wrong after 6 months/9 months/ 1 year etc That in itself is weird. Also why the sudden move to different countries

I wonder what she will do if she is confronted one day by someone she knows who just happens to live/work in the same company she has joined
The world/Europe isn’t that big of a place that you never meet people you know or have known years before.

I think as a mum it's normal to be worried but I think you need to step back and let go. This is clearly what she wants. Keep checking in semi-regularly and let her know she's welcome home at any time. She is an adult and you need to let her be one on her own terms. Even if there's something wrong, it might not be something she is aware of or wants to face and you can't force it.

Absolutely. All those parents with nd children should just have tried harder.

Try to refrain listing what was provided for her materially, because the rupture is an emotional one, it's not about those things.

This. It blows my mind when parents do that. ‘Oh we provided our children with all they needed growing up, we drove them around, we bought them xyz’. I mean that’s your literal job and your duty as a parent. It’s not a special achievement and it doesn’t equate to a good childhood or good parenting. Material stuff and showing up for your child is of course all good and fine, but what about the more difficult stuff? The emotional stuff?

👏👏👏

Sorry to hear that. It felt like I was reading about my childhood. My family also thinks this is how normal people live and i am the problematic one to have an issue with this dynamic.

It’s exactly this hyperbolic, manipulative, deflecting, passive aggressive, woe-is-me type of language that has made sure that I remain low contact with my parents.

That’s not what I said. I was referring to neuroplasticity which is the brain’s capacity to change and adapt with the right support and treatment not suggesting that anyone should “try harder” or that any condition is someone’s fault.

Anorexia is a very complex condition with biological, psychological, and environmental factors, and acknowledging that the brain can change is about hope and recovery, not blame.

If you’re choosing to project something onto my comment that isn’t there, that’s entirely on you, not me.

I have neither issue, I just have empathy for parents of adult children that do. If you feel manipulated, it's your own issues you're projecting.

Yeah, sure 👍

I really feel for you, it must be a huge worry. Do you think her father and/or brother might take the lead for a while in maintaining contact? It may make no difference, but sometimes just switching things around a bit can shift something.

Well I don't have children so it would be quite hard to have an issue with them!

I did have a very difficult mother growing up - I was scared of her as a child and fought terribly with her as a teen. As an adult, I developed compassion for her as a human with her own difficulties who did her best.

Who’d have children?
Die alone
Final healthy years
All your fault
No more than you deserve
Boundary stomping monster

You’re right, the above is the dictionary definition of a measured response, and me finding it manipulative was just a projection of my own issues 👌🏻

Well, sure! But since OP's DD won't communicate, OP isn't to know how DD's childhood was for her. All OP can do is wrack her brains, and she's sure that she did her best and that everything she did was well-intentioned. So she's just been left hanging, essentially. As a society, we don't usually condone ghosting except where the ghoster has reason to fear for their safety or where the parties haven't known each other long. Otherwise, we mostly agree that communicating is the best call. But when someone ghosts, it leaves the ghostee in tremendous distress. If you have been a well-intentioned mum who loves their child and did do their best, I cannot imagine how devastating this must be.

Grief can really rip up relationships. How very sad it all sounds.

I would ask how come the daughter doesn't feel like she can communicate her reasons. Perhaps that's just what she learnt? Or perhaps, like so many, she did try over and over again and the parent just doesn't want to hear.

The OP doesn't have to rack her brain. She has to see how she feels and find a way of dealing with it that doesn't involve pushing her daughter for more contact.

My parents also claim they have no idea why I don't speak to them. But when I laid out my reasons they were too busy being defensive that they didn't fully take in what I said.

Sorry to hear this OP, do you help her financially?

Sorry - I missed a word. I meant to type very RECENT research. I only know about that because there's a thread on here at the moment where an OP thinks her daughter has anorexia, and PP mentioned it, so I looked it up. It's to do with some brain chemicals and areas of activity in the brain. It sounded like quite a breakthrough - but my degree is in English literature, not neuroscience, so don't quote me! 😄

Is she in a relationship that she knows you wouldn’t approve of?

Some people are just cold fish I'm afraid. Like the poster near the top of the thread, who moved to another country for uni and then "didn't give her parents another thought". I just can't fathom that.