AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Why are you with this man child and his weird relationship with his mother?
She won't be around for ever at that age obviously but the enmeshed relationship makes her sound like she treats him as some sort of spouse.
My m clung onto my eldest h/f austic s when he needed to move in with her for space from our large family. She saw him as a replacement partner who would look after her in her old age. His [and my] relief was out of this world when I sorted him out a small flat, where he is happy and doing well.
Mum on the otherhand was constantly on the phone crying and saying I'd ruined her life and it wasn't worth living anymore.
I used to reply "He needs to live his own life and this isn't about you it's about my son." Then put the phone down.
She went onto live another 6/7 years.
Performance crying, guilt tripping, manipulation you name it. I learnt to ignore it at a very young age.

Do you still have your parents can they come and take you and baby to theirs?
she shouldn’t be there. Family should only come and stay at the start if they are coming to work in a caring helper role and the new mum feels comfortable.
sorry op.

I’m a tad bolshy once someone has repeatedly pushed me to my limits and at this point I would now be walking around in my underwear and breastfeeding my baby next to her! Any ‘ooh I could murder a cuppa’, would have me telling them, ‘me too, don’t forget the biccies when you bring me one’.
The trouble you have is your DH, he runs and moves away from confrontation or asserting himself.
It doesn’t bode well for your marriage because he has made it crystal clear this week that the needs of you and your baby when you are at your most vulnerable are of no importance to him. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and you and baby will be expected to always put him first.
You could be so ill you can’t get out of bed or baby ill and he won’t help, he will demand you get up or leave baby in cot screaming so you can make him and mum a cuppa or sort out his needs.
You have married a stunted man child who needs a mummy to shield him from conflict and takes over any stress he faces in life and does his bidding else he will run away to the other side of the country.

At 92 she will have very old fashioned ideas about marriage and how to look after a baby, so I would completely ignore any comments, like water off a duck's back.
My own grandmother is in her 90's for context and I'm in my 30's with a primary school aged child. So even though she's your mil the generation gap is so big and she's so old and frail, I would just stick her on the sofa with a cup of tea and carry on.
I get that you shouldn't have to ask, but if you tell your dh you're struggling he should want to help you. It's better to raise it with him than let it silently fester. Next time he's in bed sleeping wake him up and ask for help and see what he does.
Congratulations on baby. The newborn bit was the hardest for me, and as my body healed and baby slept a bit more I found it so much easier.

Congratulations on you new baby. Breastfeeding can often take time to get into a routine. Not all Mums can manage it so if you can't manage don't feel bad. Babies do fine of a bottle. Tell your DH you need more help with baby. If you do 6am feed he shouybe up making you a cup of tea like my DH did for me. Tell him this. As for his Mum, she is 92 so obviously he knows she won't be around much longer. One nasty cold or a touch of flu could see her off. I'd do as a previous poster suggested take lots of photos of baby and GM. I'd start dripping into DH ear babies and toddlers get lots of colds and viruses and you would worry she might catch something from baby as she's frail. Therefore in the future it might be best if you travelled to visit his Mum rather than her coming to you. If you go to visit her she can see baby for an hour then you can pop out with baby for a walk leaving her with her ds. Honestly I'd suggest he visits her alone sometimes. Tell him to take his Mum out and buy her lunch to give you a breK from them both. Just remember a week is just 7 days and it will pass soon. Just kick DH out of bed when you do early feed to make you tea in bed.

There's a bit of history repeating itself here. She had a son at age 42, and so have you.

This was 50 years ago. So, she had him 8 years before you were born. Try to imagine yourself as a baby, and really feel how long ago that was, and everything that's happened to you in your life, from then until now....you were a toddler, then at primary school, then at high school, then at Uni (?), then you had a few LTR's......it's a hell of a long time, and she had him 8 years before you even existed.

Of course she isn't going to remember the ins and outs of having a newborn. Add to that, the general ditzyness of old people, and here you are. It's entirely predictable. I don't think she's doing anything on purpose, it just is what it is.

At 92, she's not even going to be around to see your child get to primary school. I know people who were like this in their 70's - if she was 75, you'd potentially have this for the next 20 years.

When you yourself are 92, you may find that your son has a baby. I'm not sure you'll remember this time then? Can you imagine being 92 and how far off that seems?

That's not to say that I don't agree with you - I do! It's very frustrating, I just don't think she gets it.

As for your partner paying in till 10am, I would nip that in the bud! He needs to pull his weight and do some early mornings too. Easier said than done with some men - my H point blank refused as he had The Big Job. He is an Ex now, for unrelated reasons, but I never forgave him for that. Still don't and it was almost 30 years ago!

I would not be just putting up with this.
Neither of them are caring for you or considering your needs. I would sit in my knickers in front of her, breast feeding the baby. Asking for cups of tea/food. She has no concern for your comfort, just do what you like. Do not "host" her, or pander in any way. Make her uncomfortable, as you put yourself first. This is your house! You've just given birth, you're the star of the show, she is jealous!

This.

You need to put your foot down. Off she goes.

It’s not typical for the grandmother of a newborn to be 92 years old so you can’t compare her with the average MIL. Even if she’s good for her age she isn’t going to be able to be of any help and is more likely than average to make unwanted comments. Your husband is at fault here for inviting her for so long at this time. Also if he’s in bed until 10 am he’s not helping you much himself. You need to talk to him, he needs to tell his Mum you aren’t well and he’ll have to take her home soon , she can come back for a week later. Stay in bed a lot and get him doing more of the work. As your MIL is so elderly you will have to accept your husband doing more for her than average but he has been totally unreasonable and thoughtless to have her for four weeks now. Does he have any siblings that could distract her? This time I really do think it’s a husband problem.

She sounds awful OP. Put your foot down and say she has to leave. Clearly a controlling and overbearing narcissist. I can picture the evil old witch now!! Your husband should be waiting on you hand and foot. Get him told!

Your MIL is a mirror to your husband, his needs trump everyone else’s and your’s and baby’s needs will get trampled on until they cease to exist.

I got quite far down the thread before I realised she’s actually come when the baby is already 4 weeks old, probably because of

I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats and

Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

I can’t see why her coming now has had any bearing on establishing feeding, and requiring regular analgesia 4 weeks on is not typical. It all sounds a bit dramatic, which muddies the water somewhat.

Husband does sound awful, many red flags regarding relationships, but you knew that when you married and had a child with him. She’ll be gone soon and you can crack on. In the meantime tell your husband to pull his finger out. He needs to be waiting on you both, covering the domestic load and giving you rest breaks.

This is the truth.
Women who were let down in the early days very rarely forgive or forget.
They never forget their vulnerability and being so disappointed.

Theabove is great advice.
He needs telling so firmly.
You made a huge mistake marrying him.
He is a shocking excuse for a man, husband and father.

You will be making plans to divorce him if he doesn't shape up, and mean it.

Going forward his mother stays in a hotel or you will.

Can you pack up and go to family snd stay for a few weeks?

Do it if you can.

She's 92!!!
Seriously I would just pass more responsibility for her to your husband and get her a hotel next visit.

Shes 92, she will be dead soon. But you still have a DH problem, if he treats you so disrespectfully

The root cause of the problem is your DH. Deal with him.

At 92, I'd cut the old woman some slack. Childbirth and everything around it was different in those times.

Your DH is enabling everything that is bothering you.

Your husband will never prioritise you or your baby while his mother is around. He should be helping you and doing his duties as a husband and father, not running around pandering to his overgrown baby of a mother. My ex was like this he ended up telling me he would choose his mother over our child every time. our son is now 16 and his dad hasn't bothered in years. His nan met him a handful of times when he was 10 after telling me she didn't want to know and I could keep my "bastard son" to myself. His dad did nothing to defend his baby so I ditched him off. Nan had the cheek when she saw my son to complain to his dad that what kind of a mother raised him that he can't even address his grandmother correctly. I told her my son has never known her and she made no efforts to be known therefore he cannot be expected to call her Nan. My ex did eventually marry someone but even his wife said mummy was always in the background demanding to be pandered to constantly. I'd honestly send mother in law home you don't need a second overgrown child under your roof

I think you have greater problems! You are married to and have had a child with a man who sees his mother as his primary relationship. You could have said no. Your H isn’t the type to put your needs or wants before his own comfort (as in saying no to his mother would be uncomfortable for him). What are the plans for when she can no longer live independently? This is not the relationship to be passive in, resentment is toxic and if you keep putting up with shit you didn’t agree to, then the resentment and toxicity will build.

They both sound awful but OP -

You always have a choice. You just have to exercise it.

You sound very together - you just need to find your voice and say No.
And while you're there, tell your husband that any postpartum father who is sleeping in till 10am is a cunt.

Ridiculous. The only reason to have someone to stay when you have a brand new baby is so they can help, and even then, not for four weeks unless it genuinely is something you want and feel is useful. What help can a 92 year olf be? Your husband is an idiot.

My MIL didn’t approve of me and DH living together before marriage either, but we did it anyway as it wasn’t her decision to make.

You’ve let this woman have far far too much agency in your relationship OP. I’m not sure how you change it now without leaving him!

I mean she's 92
She might pass even tomorrow
Maybe she wanted to come whilst she still could?
Is that her only and first grandchild?

Also, why are you making her tea or anything?
Your partner should at least be doing everything for her!

"DH, I'm 4 weeks into parenthood and I'm already wondering if life would be easier if I were single. In the not too distant future, your mother will be dead and I (and your child) will be alive. If you want to be living with us, take your mum home now".

He's going to want to move her in, you know, if she starts needing care. This might also be the time to make your position clear on that.

OP you absolutely must send her home immediately. Who cares if she gets hysterical? What can she actually do? Your husband already doesn’t prioritise you or your baby so she can’t change that and if it makes things worse it sounds like you can cope on your own.

If you don’t this is going to be your life for the foreseeable and it’ll only get worse

She staying a week

she came when baby was 4w old