AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Tbh OP I think shes a narcissist who is too enmeshed with her own son. He gives in to it. At high 'attention' moments for you (yes I know it sounds batshit), especially when you are the most vulnerable (aka when you should 'get' a lot of care, aka attention/focus), she feels very very threatened so exerts herself on your household, makes herself the centre of attention and undermines you constantly to take away the attention.

I grew up in a family like this. The only thing you can do is stand firm and say she needs to go home, its too hard for a mother of a newborn. She'll put on a show of hurt feelings and she will be dramatic but its all a manipulative show. Its ridiculous theatre. If your DH cant advocate for you then quite frankly he doesnt deserve to be your DH. Its v obvious this has been a reason that hes never had a relationship before. He needs to learn fast.

Sorry you have to deal with this, its so unfair! But standing firm and ripping the band aid off will get you your own home back.

She should only have stayed if she was able to help, your husband should have stepped up but I know you already know this so sorry for sounding like a broken record like the PP have said.

I'm angry for you. I'm a FTM too and the new born stage is so incredibly hard with lack of sleep and hormones etc

Just keep prioritising you and the baby, your recovery and mental health is the only thing that matters right now

Absolutely agree

She needs to go early, her tears can dry on the way out

92 is a great age, obviously she’s got old fashioned ideas, your husband is the issue, he should have been more thoughtful.

The mother is trying to re-establishment enmeshment with her son.
he is a bit lost in it all as he knows no different but senses it’s not quite right.
i think you’ve had a massive realisation that you’ve married into this.
only you know how to extract yourself from it.
if there is nuerodiversity in either side of the family then it’s possible the older the parent, the more it can present in children. I think you’ve realised you don’t want more kids with this man but I’d strongly think about how old his sperm is and look at stats of kids conceived with older men..

Oh, send him home with his Mummy. They deserve each other. Think of the peace.

WTF did I just read about the mother breaking into his house and catching him shagging on the sofa??? She sounds deranged.

OP you need a long hard think about where your marriage is going.

No one has any idea whether this woman is a narcissist or not. The term gets thrown around far too often on here. She is 92 years old. Of course she's no help with a newborn, of course she barely remembers what babies are like. Plus she's only staying for a week so no matter how difficult she is I would put up with it. This is your baby's grandmother and she's not going to be around much longer.

Your main issue is clearly your husband. You need to get him to step up. Absolutely no way should he be sleeping in until 10 unless he was up during the night with the baby.

That said, the newborn stage is hard and I would not be writing off my marriage after four weeks. This is your husband and your child's father. You owe it to everyone to see if it can work.

Tbh, if you can I would leave and stay in an Air b n b or family. I’d refuse to return until she has gone home. If there is melodrama he can deal with it as you will not be there. For me, I think I would feel the marriage is over unless he takes steps after your leaving to address and acknowledge his part in this.

At 92, being brutal, there are very few years to suffer her BUT it is shaping him - will he adopt her patterns as he ages? This is a dysfunctional, enmeshed and toxic relationship you have found yourself inserted into - I’d accept it will never be okay unless he seeks therapy, and walk away.

My fil was no help and expected to be waited on. He is definitely neurodivergent, but undiagnosed due to his age... I didn’t allow him to come until dd was 6 weeks. 4 weeks would have been too soon.

Your husband is a late first time father and doesn't seem to be "all in," as it were. You probably just need to accept this and get a cleaner etc as soon as you feel ready.
Realistically, even if she lives another 10 years, his mother will probably not want to travel long distances and stay away overnight for much longer. You must fully encourage your husband to travel and stay overnight with her instead, by himself. If he's sleeping in until 10am in your weeks of need, he won't be any use at all once you are back into the swing of things.
Send her plenty of printed photos of the child as it grows.

Congratulations on your new baby.

It would be unreasonable for her to stay unless you'd suggested it. I couldn't of coped with anyone staying in those early days, possibly my own mother but even that would have a time limit.

She's living in her own little bubble of fucked up mess that she created. She doesn't have the relationships she wants, she's trying to hang on to DS. He's an idiot for allowing it. I would have strong words with him if I were you. Maybe it's best to stick it out for the last few days or maybe you've got nothing to lose by saying you're tired and you think it's time to cut the visit short. Those early weeks are hard, walk around in your pants and take naps etc as another poster said. You should feel at home in your home.
My emotions were all over the place for the first few months.

Congratulations on not killing your husband or his mother.

Imagine being in your late 40s and giving a shit what your mother thinks about living together before marriage.

This is a shitshow. I assume your husband is her only child?

Can’t see it. Sounds like there’s more to it than this ?

She needs to leave. Your DH needs to take her back
It is so hard recovering from a c section without the added hassle of a guest.
My mum and dad didn't stay with me after my c section. They stayed in a B&B around the corner.
This is a tell not a request to your DH. Unfortunately he probably has poor emotional intelligence due to this woman so cannot assess the invasion of privacy this is on you

4 weeks after isn't an unreasonable time frame.

However, she sounds like a PITA and he sounds pretty pathetic.

I'd just be carrying on whatever I would normally do and leave them to it, she'll be going soon.

What on earth? Admittedly she's older but the point of someone coming to stay especially now is to help.

My DM was like this when my DS was born. She came over to be entertained under the plot of seeing him.

Your MIL needs to go home. If she doesn't you move out.

I read your updates. You sound really sensible and independent which is a good thing. You will cope fine on your own if you want to kick the manchild into touch. He sounds useless rather than abusive so I’m sure it will be okay to co parent with him. Make a plan and then stick to it.

It’s sad because the mum does indeed sound like a narcissist and yes the term is thrown about a lot but that’s because a lot of people are affected by the destructive behaviour of narcissists. She has made her son into who he is today. Just resolve to never be like that with your own baby and have a good life away from this shitshow.

That was the beginning of a huge error to even consider pandering to that. That sounds utterly ridiculous either of you even entertained that.
Look it’s a week, she’ll be home soon.The issue is your husband. Not really her.

my thoughts. He’s never had a girlfriend before? Being a husband and now a father at 50. You’ll have to set the tone and train him quickly OP. Don’t stand for any shit! He needs to understand the role of ‘father and husband’ yesterday! Plenty of men like this haven’t got a damn clue and want their live to go one while you deal with everything always. Fast track to divorce.

I think you need a strong word with your husband OP. She had to go, not you!

I'm just waking up and not had coffee yet so may be misunderstanding but you say he didn't have a girlfriend before you and also mil caught him shagging girlfriend on his sofa? I had c sections, 3 of them and recovery needs good mental health as well as physical rest and it sounds like she is really messing with both. Has he been a good husband apart from his handling of his mum? At 92, what is her health and mental capacity like? If you stay with yout dh, make plans for her in the case of any decline such as a home as clearly its going to be a lot to deal with if you have a child and work.

I'm just waking up and not had coffee yet so may be misunderstanding but you say he didn't have a girlfriend before you and also mil caught him shagging girlfriend on his sofa? I had c sections, 3 of them and recovery needs good mental health as well as physical rest and it sounds like she is really messing with both. Has he been a good husband apart from his handling of his mum? At 92, what is her health and mental capacity like? If you stay with yout dh, make plans for her in the case of any decline such as a home as clearly its going to be a lot to deal with if you have a child and work.

@Dougiesmaw Please suggest your dh takes your mother home and stays a couple of days with her. This will give you some breathing room from her and from him.

I think you have some serious talking to do when he gets home. You do not have to put up with her no matter how old and frail she is. Your priority is your baby and your mh in order to care for him.

Never had a longterm girlfriend - max 2/3 months of seeing someone. I have had several LTR, lived with a guy, been engaged in my 20s