AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Just tell your husband to take her home 🤷‍♀️

It’s ridiculous.

Wheres your family in all of this?

Most grandparents of newborns aren’t 92 or anywhere near, so even if she’s in good physical health it sounds like her staying adds to the caring workload on top of having a newborn. As others have said, it’s your DH that needs to change. You don’t have to be the bad guy sending your elderly MIL home, you need to tell DH that he needs to be looking after you as well as his DM so he can say goodbye to lie ins for a start! Your priority is feeding baby and looking after your recovery as best as you can, not dealing with anything MIL needs.

It sounds awful and I have every sympathy.

Your DH should know better and obviously it's not your him to educate him. However it might be helpful to at least try and let him know you're unhappy. Spell out your expectations as clearly as you can and there's just a chance he will come through for you.

Really ?

thats a bit below the belt !

Please tell me you’re on the deeds to the house, have your own money and haven’t given up work? You know this marriage isn’t going to last and you know why: because he’s in a relationship with his mother. Before long she’ll probably be living with you full time and if you’re home with baby a lot then you’ll be lined up to care for her.

You’ve seen how useless and selfish he is, it’s currently a short marriage - look to get out now.

I love my mil and I know she would be really helpful however I still wouldn’t want her stopping if I was 4 weeks post partum with a c section!
how much longer is she supposed to be staying?
Hubs needs to take her home! As you suggested you could take baby and stay in a hotel if he refuses but you really should t have to move out of your own home in such a vulnerable state!

This!

My DH's mother is elderly and fairly frail and has to stay with us when she visits because she lives abroad so visits tend to be a week or so. We have a clear understanding that DH is responsible for any support she might need aside from meals. She makes the odd strange comment but on the whole is a very kind, sweet lady and I like her, it's not too much of a strain having her there so it's overall a positive experience. It sounds like your MIL is not like this, it's nothing to do with her age.

That should have been a red flag

assuming you weren’t together that long before getting married /then preg

she old. Prob doesn’t rem having a baby and 50yrs ago it was a different generation

she’s younger than I was when I gave birth (just - I was almost 44) but won’t be like that with mini blondes

she does sound a little deranged breaking into his house

wonder what he said to her mid shag 🙀😜

seriously tho. He must have good points. You married and ttc with him. When mil isn’t about was he a good partner. Was he helpful the first 4w of fixing birth before she came ?

Agree with the poster of sending /taking lots of pics - she prob won’t be alive in a few years

mini blondes 9 never met my mum as she died 2yrs before she was born. I have a pic made of me her and nanny grandad which she loves

photos are forever memories

Sorry to disagree, but it could well be much longer depending on how healthy she is. I’m saying this as the daughter of someone who is 96 years old and has a few friends of a similar age. Care needs may get greater.

It is lovely for granny to see the baby - but the scenario sounds ridiculous. I am a granny to two small children. I am generally impressed at how this generation of dads step up. Parental leave seems to have such a positive impact. All I hear is of dads sharing the night waking and being as competent as Mum at changing nappies. The father in this case appears to have missed the memo. Shame on him.

I have no advice for the OP apart from to read the riot act and tell granny where the tea bags are.

Have you any family you could Go and stay with away from them

I wouldn’t be making them cups of tea or doing anything for them.

your dh needs to start looking after you and she needs to go home

so sorry OP

Tell her she needs to go home today. She’s in the way and out stayed her welcome.

Think your instinct might be right. I don’t think you are dealing with reasonable people here so being reasonable with the, will never work. Telling these type of people how you feel or asking for what you want is often counter productive because they will the use that to push your buttons or upset you.

She has to go and if he can’t put his big boy pants on, he can go with her.

as someone who over a decade on from having my first baby experience overshadowed by my husband's spineless handling of his narc mother - this feeling, the resentment, the rage, the disappointment etc etc, it doesn't go away, it grows.

I will never fully forgive my husband for allowing me to be steamrolled by his mum who came days after birth and opened all our presents, hosted friends in our house, and after completely bulldozing us left and cried to my husband that I hadn't made her feel very welcome and maybe I had post natal depression.

Unless you've been in this position I don't think it's possible to understand how it feels or how far it can go before you take action. I kept thinking it would surely pass, that if I just got through it it would all settle down. It didn't. I was too vulnerable and clueless and naive to enforce the boundaries I actually needed, and all these years later it still hurts so much to look back on it.

The real damage is to my marriage. It has taken all this time for my husband to step back from his parents and see how terrible their behaviour has been. And it's too late. It has fundamentally shifted my ability to trust or respect him.

Which I suppose is all to say, you are absolutely not being unreasonable, and however hard it is, however harsh it feels, if I could reach back in time to myself I would say - tell your husband right now, exactly how this feels and how far from the man you thought you were marrying this is. Tell him you will take the baby for a coffee somewhere (if you can), and when you get back you want his mother gone and him to have a real think about what kind of man, husband and father he plans to be.

Sending you strength. You deserve so much better.

Those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents can see this a mile off, believe me.

Thank you and thank everyone for their replies. I am stepping away from mumsnet now to have a real hard think about how to deal with this going forward today, but I will read through these replies as support. Thank you all again ❤️

Congratulations on your new baby.

I’m surprised that you are surprised by your MIL behavior. She is 92 and the pattern of behavior in their family is very very odd so you shouldn’t expect help or sensible comments from her. You need to work out how much you have prepared to bear e.g in terms of her questions or length of stay. However you are allowed to reconsider boundaries- it’s all new to you and things are not going smoothly ( they never are by the way) so you can rethink and have her stay only for 2 weeks. You can’t care after her and your baby it’s just too much and tbh at 92 she needs her routine as well. My mum is a bit younger but no way she would survive 4 weeks in a house with a new baby.
So my point that your MIL needs to go home for her own sake.
I would also cut a bit of slack to your DH. It’s all new to him and he definitely wasn’t brought up in a thoughtful household so it seems that you would need to train him in parenting as well. The good news is that it can be done. Sit him and spell out what needs to be done and what his routine should look like and explain why referring to scientific facts about baby development. Try being logical first and see how it goes. You can always use emotional response as the last resort.

Only child who hasn’t had LTR is always a bright red flag but from the other side we all have our flaws.

Did you genuinely not see about a million red flags? Just one of the list of things you've mentioned about him should have been an immediate no, let alone all of them 😂

Congratulations on your baby, I think you'll be absoutely fine on your own, leave him and mummy to each other. (I was a single parent to a young child in my 40s, and looking back, if I;d have left when my son was a newborn, things would have been easier!)

She's 92, she won't be around much longer. Just bear that in mind. Some mums are so odd about their boys. Even my mum, who isn't particularly close to my brother, treated his wedding like a funeral. Loosing her boy. It's very odd. I hope she goes home soon. Your husband needs to grow up!

or I go and stay at a hotel she will create complete hysteria and the melodrama will be exponential.

Tough.

Actions have consequences. I would go and stay in a hotel and the mummy's boy can look after his mum on his own.

The woman is 92. This isn't going to be a situation for that long.

OP I think you should take to your bed with DB and stay there. You need to recover from surgery. Moan and moan some more. Has health visitor been? Tell her your concerns re. MIL. Your DH needs to absolutely step up. Not good enough all. They should be waiting on YOU. Tell H he is a married man and father now!! (But I do think ''only childs'' are ''different'' though)

My mum’s also 92. Last week she was regaling me and my adult DD with tales of beautiful men she ‘copped off with’ (her first husband genuinely looked like a 1950s film star) and how much better it is nowadays re contraception availability and attitudes.

A young family friend had a baby and the first thing she said was ‘what can I get/do to help?’ and then paid for an Uber Eats gift card for the new mum for groceries then delighted in having baby cuddles.

She comes to stay and, although frail, is a great laugh. Never wants to be a burden and the kids spend hours laughing and talking with her.

Not all 92 year olds are like your odd MIL with her Victorian puritanical attitude towards sex and parenting.

@Dougiesmaw To be fair, my mother and MIL astounded me because they both said they couldn't remember any of the reality of looking after a tiny baby. They were about 57.

Try to remember that you
are at sea at present and the six weeks after a baby is the fourth trimester and unless a parent can do hands on care, they shouldn't be staying for more than an afternoon. DIL is expecting - they are overseas - her parents going out around the birth for four weeks and staying in an apartment. We are going when the baby is about three months, and staying in an apartment.

When the dear old bag lady goes home you need to sit down with your dh and have a chat about future visits, your needs and loyalty. Some relationship counselling might not go amiss. This is a tricky time and relationships reset even when everything is perfect. We have been together for 37 years and when DS1 was born, we knew a fraction of how the other worked and had tonlearn how we each coped with babies, children, loss, grief, difficult mothers, etc.

The first ground rule aligns with the old proverb that fish and visitors stink - after three days.

Finally, mother and MIL are nearly 90. When frailty hits it descends very quickly. Neither woukd manage outside their own homes and certainly couldn't help and even though they aren't nearly as dysfunctional/toxic as your MIL, they certainly seem quaint at best in their views.

I suspect that this lady's presence in your lives will be of limited duration and if she is around for another ten years, this may be the last time she travels.

Breathe deeply, get her home and allow for hormones and dust to settle.

I doubt she will be around for many more years!! She's 92!!

It is selfish behaviour, but I also know that at that age all self awareness has left the building. My Dad is 84 and would have no inkling if he was inconveniencing anyone. Totally clueless. For eg. he will think nothing of calling me or my sister several times a day, even though we are at work. If he wants to know what time it is, he will call us at say 11pm, not even stopping to think whether we might be asleep.

I guess at 92 you're lucky she isn't living with you!