AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Are there any nursing homes nearby?

Sounds awful, but I couldn’t really get annoyed at a woman in her 90s for this. I would be super annoyed at my husband for letting it happen though!

Can you turn the situation round and start asking her to do things to help out? Even if she is in her 90s maybe ask if she can clear the table or cook or dust etc, whilst you're busy with the baby. Maybe then she will rethink and say she needs to go back home as she realises it isn't a holiday home!

But on the other hand as she is elderly, do you really want to alienate your husband by blocking their time together and her time with the grandchild? You wouldn't want him, in the future after she has passed away, to say because of you he didn't spend enough time with her and for her to know the baby etc.

So suck it up a little and start using her to help out so that she is the one who chooses to go, rather than you complain to him and making things awkward.

But take loads of photos of her and the baby before she goes back home so that the husband doesn't complain about lack of time together etc. I'm only saying this because of her age!!! She may live to over 100 but best get all the photos in for memories etc!!!

I am so sorry this happened to you. That is a lot to work through. I hope you’re okay.

Completely agree 100% with the advice you gave at the bottom.

Thought you said you were his only ever girlfriend?

She’s 92, I don’t think that’s a very realistic projection

You have made your own bed I’m afraid.

Surely you had the sense to know what you would be letting yourself in for. You knew this man lived with mummy dear until he was nearly 50.

Good luck with changing a lifelong dynamic.

OP, your MIL needs to leave now!

In the meantime… Absolutely do not wait on her hand and foot, she can make her own damn tea. If you feel comfortable enough to you walk around naked in your own home, don’t cover yourself up for her benefit, you do you. To hell with what she thinks, she has a home to go to, if she doesn’t like it she can f*ck off back there. As for your pathetic excuse of a husband, whether or not his mother is around or not it is absolutely NOT okay for him to have lie ins and be waking up at 10 am whilst leaving you to do all the work when you’ve got a any baby, let alone newborn baby! He really needs to pull his finger out and do better.

Be mindful that both of them may try and twist this and make out that it’s all just your hormones. It’s not!

Their dynamic is really weird! Are you sure you still want to be a part of this?

Feeling really angry for you reading this. sending supportive hugs.

I think I would probably do that then

Then turn that resentment into action. If you want to take the baby and go to a hotel to get some peace and privacy tell your DH that if he doesn’t take his mother home immediately this is what you will do.

This is quite an unusual situation as not many people who are first time mums will have MILs of this very advanced age. You should be directing your ire at your feckless DH. He should be getting up and helping you. My MiL is 83 and my mum is 82 but my kids are young adults. The thought of either of them helping with a young baby now is crazy even though both are fit and well. But they are old and tired. To think in 10 years time either of them helping someone post partum is nuts. If it’s too much for you, your DH needs to take her home.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy OP.

So your 92 year old MIL came to stay for a week when the baby was four weeks old? When is the week up ?
It isn’t good that her visit happened without any discussion or consent from you, but I do understand at that age, that time is of the essence for her.

Also at that age OP, it’s unrealistic to expect her to be fully mentally alert so you do have to make allowances for that too. You are highly alert right now and the gap between you is enormous.
But if you feel she still is, and has always been a narcissist then it’s undoubtedly hard for you to get through this week with her.

Your hormones are all over the place. And on top of that you are dealing with a husband who has absolutely no idea how to parent properly. It seems he was totally unprepared for this stage in his life and is finding it hard to keep up. Indeed, he seems to think he doesn’t have to do anything…it all just magically falls into place.

if I were you, I would leave him and his mum to it until he takes her home.
He invited her without your consent therefore it’s up to him to be serving her, entertaining her and responding to her old-age and narcissistic nonsense. Seems he is fully conditioned to it, whereas you aren’t and have other much more important priorities right now.

YANBU.
It’s ok to let it all out on here as you have done, but don’t be making any final decisions for a good while yet. It takes ages to settle into a routine. And it takes even longer to train your DH up to an acceptable level !
Good luck !

Part of the problem is that youre running around after her whilst trying to adapt to your new baby. You need to have a word with your husband about him doing the running round.
Im not sure a lie in for them is an issue. Do yoy expect once youre up everyone has to get up? If youre breastfeeding your husband cant do this so why not leave him to stay in bed but he then needs to pull his weight in other ways.
Regardless of what you think about their relationship, she is his mum and he obviously loves and cares for her. You married him knowing the relationship that they had.
Old people make loads of annoying and inappropriate comments. Try to ignore them as firstly she isnt going to be at your house forever, its only a visit. But secondly she's 92. She's not going to be around for that much longer so let her enjoy her time with you, her son and her new grandchild for short term stints.
The main issue sounds to be your husband not helping out enough. Have a word with him. Its his first child too and sometimes men need a bit of a nudge.
I hope everything settles down and you feel a little less angry

Are they from a different culture?

And she also experienced post natal illness, which makes sense that she'd have a lack of confidence around a 4 week old baby. Maybe she didn't get help following a painful birth and decided she would not have any further children because of how her husband (of probably a similar age as the OP's) behaved?

Your other half is torn. He loves you and loves his mum. They are different types of love. Although some women ( and I suspect his mum is one of them) see it as some sort of competition. Who do you love the most ? Who is more important to you wife or mum? Very negative really but some women are like this.

Do you know when she is due to return to her home? If not establish that. And make sure it is very soon. Very soon.

And make sure that in future any visits are agreed by you. And from and until agreed with you.

Your other half will no doubt be aware, but tell him you are tired. Tell him you need some space. And to please take her back home.

Your focus is entirely misplaced. She’s 92.

Your anger should be focused on the giant man baby you have married… he needs a rocket putting up his arse.

it needs spelling out in no uncertain terms that you expect him to step up. Sleeping in until 10am when you have a newborn is absolutely unacceptable.

She is 92? So how much longer will she be around? Unlikely to be years and years.
Hopefully this will be a situation that anyway sorts it's self out .
Otherwise next trip you must say no it doesn't work for you.

Stop waiting on her. If tea is needed get your husband to make it. Stop the lie-ins - sort it out the evening before - 'I'll give you the baby at...am so I can catch up on some sleep'.
Then get him to start doing things - what are you making for dinner? Can you put the washer on? Can you hoover round? I've had a major operation and a baby and you must step up.
Hopefully mother in law will go home when she sees it's not a holiday.

Ah, okay. Misread that. Even so, she's 92... Terrible decision.

She's 92 ffs. She could literally be dead by the time you feel ready to host her. It's important for your husband that she meets his child, and for the grandchild to have known that she was able to meet him too. These things should be important to you too, but sounds like you're not that bothered.

I wouldn't begrudge making the odd cuppa for an extremely elderly relative!

Your husband is being a wet blanket and unsupportive, but the red flags were there before you ended up in this predicament. Talk to him and you'll need to accept what you can't change, and change what you can't accept.

I'm a bit raised eyebrow at you claiming not to be able to establish bf a month in because you have a visitor. Just huddle down in your room if you need breaks. Nod and smile when she gives outdated advice or ideas. At the end of the day, she's nearly 100 years old. You'd be exactly the same with your ideas if you were in her shoes one day.

Safe to say that because of her age, this situation won’t continue too much longer. But, it’s just not good enough from your husband. Don’t make any rash decisions now, she’ll be off home soon and the way it then plays out between the two of them will inform your future decision making. Focus on you and your baby now.

This is crazy. Send her home immediately.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. 🌺

What? She stayed in your home for a week post marriage making it difficult to move in? I would have been tempted to end it right there and not bother moving in, especially given Mummy wouldn’t let you move in with him before the wedding.

Feeding baby too much is not possible with breastfed babies. My MIL gave me this with my first, which I stupidly followed. She told me to space out my feeds. It ended badly, with difficulties establishing feedings and with me getting mastitis. Stupid advice to follow. As an experienced mum the second time around, I did feeding on demand, and everything worked well on the breastfeeding front.

I later found out that she didn’t even breastfeed her babies, so heaven knows why she was so confidently dishing out breastfeeding advice. 🙄