AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

Don't want to sound mean - but she is 92. Her health can change drastically without any warning and might need an immediate hospital care or something else. I do feel sorry for you, but she might not be around for long anymore. (That was meant as a relief for you, not telling you to put up with her, absolutely talk to your husband!)

I am a mum of an only child - male 32. He and his partner have just had their first baby. I wasn't 'allowed' to visit, in the first 2 weeks. To be clear, this was a rule applied to all visitors - I get that their wish was to have a 'bubble' in this time to bond establish their routine, give new mum the freedom to be however she needed to be, post delivery (walk around in just knickers, breasts out if required etc etc). I was sad to be grouped into the no visitors rule and worried I might not bond with my grandbaby, but reading this I now see what their fears were! In this life or another, I would NEVER be as your MIL is! Completely bonkers! I eventually met my new grandbaby a few weeks ago and all I wanted to do was be as unobtrusive as possible; cooking, making her cups of herb tea etc, staying in a hotel, then going off home next day. You do need re establish boundaries it's not too late. I would have had meltdown in your situation my love. Your husband should be ashamed of how he has enabled this. I would tell him - clearly - she must go or he'll lose his new family. Seriously. Good luck x

This.
‘We have a new baby and I just gave birth. I seem to be baby’s only parent, while you look after your mum in the most inconvenient visit timing ever. I need support in recovery and with our baby and you’re not providing either of those so I’m going to my parents. I have serious concerns about your ability to be a dad and partner and where we go from here, but I’m not coming back to discuss those while your mum is staying in our house.’

Congrats on the new arrival. This is unfair on you as a FTM and trying to establish routine/feeding and hormones still all over the place. You should not have to be worrying about anyone else except you and gorgeous new bubba. I’d explain this to your husband and suggest she goes and comes back in a few months when you will be feeling in a much different place.

So sorry to hear what is happening to you @Dougiesmaw
I'm surprised that you've not managed to detatch him from this unhealthy bond with his mother in the time you've been together, but you have to do it NOW or your relationship has no real future.

I have voted that you are being unreasonable. This is why:
Mother and son have a co-dependent 50 year standing relationship and way of living. You are expecting them to change for you. They won't.
You also won't have a balanced relationship at all OP, I suspect that your own marriage is very one sided and will become increasingly unhealthy. Going forward your resentment will grow and grow.
You married the wrong person. Focus on exiting that in a kind way for everyone involved before it gets too toxic to come back from. Focus on you and your baby.

Recognise that M-I-L and DH relationship is not going to change and you will not 'win' if you start adding 'boundaries' and demands. You will simply push him away. His DM will always come first. Oh, and expect him to meltdown once she is no longer with us.

You cant change them all you can do is change your own reactions like making cups of tea for them. You just don’t do that.

Bloody hell op
Im nearly 7 months post c section now (it gets better!) But no. I would hate that. You need your healing space.
If you can just focus on your lovely baby, use the word "no" as a sentence without explanation and just give your dh jobs to do. Its his mum, not your job to look after her, cook, shop etc. I would feel resentment at this too.

Except he's no catch. New born baby and he's not at work and sleeps in until 10am. I think she's paying for the pound signs she saw, in her emotional labour.

Still, if she kicks him out, she'll get a good settlement. She's got his baby and they're married.

I dont think I could ever feel attracted to my husband again if I were you. I got a serious ick just reading OPs posts. Leave him he sounds pathetic. She sounds horrible I would take dome mini revenge before kicking her out. I dont care that shes old she is evil. Breastfeeding is hard 1st time around. Uou need peace patience time calm. Hoover the bedrooms next time they sleep in. Or play loud music. Walk around in your underwear, my frustration at reading your post is stressful poor you.

Yep. Totally agree. I’m just bemused that she thought there wouldn’t be this sort of catch. I’d be cutting and running

Your husband needs to step up, be making the cups of tea, looking after his mum etc - and not sleeping in late. I don't personally understand the level of anger though at an extremely elderly lady, or how it would stop you getting in a routine etc. Likewise with breastfeeding. If you need space, go into a different room. But your husband does need to gatekeep a bit more to ensure you have enough space.

I had sections, and am concerned that you are still requiring regular painkillers at a month - that is probably worth getting checked out.

Your absolute hatred for her shines out through your posts. Of course she's not going to be helping - she's 92. Of course she will have done things differently when she had a baby half a century ago - times change. How you do things now will seem equally as odd (and bad for baby) in 50 years time.

As for you making you both a cup of tea, I don't see the big deal - most men are back at work at 2 weeks, and you should be recovered enough to do thinks like make a cuppa without pain (if not, go back to the drs please!), and making one cuppa is no different to two.

Don't forget that multi generational living was very much the norm until recently. For much of history, new mums have lived in houses with others around. The idea of needing space to establish a routine and breastfeeding is a very new idea, so wouldn't be something she'd even think about.

My mum came to stay after my babies were born - to help!!!

This is just all wrong.

He's acting like a grandad. But that's because he's grandad age.

Given she's already 92, I doubt it will be your life for many more years.

However, I can't believe anyone really wants a house guest for a week when they're just four weeks post-partum, and your husband needs to grow a spine. The whole relationship between him and his mother sounds weird and intense.

No no don't hold back. They are what they are and they will not change. As A professional social worker and counsellor tutor can I warn you that under no circumstances should you let her move in when she wants to. That will come next and will sound the death of your marriage and happiness. I'm pretty sure she will try to move in by covert manipulation. Use your husband's weakness with women against him and put on an assertive act. Say no. Put her in her place. Have you explained in detail to your husband just how bad you feel, because you should lay it all out. In your temporary diminished state you need to take control. When she is on her own slap her down quite forcefully and tell her to mind her own business. Then play it down when she tells her son. Divide and rule. Good luck.

YANBU for not wanting her there yet.

YABU for not simply stating that upfront.

Not ‘emerging’ at all. Clearly well established and visible from the start!
Unless you make a radical change as soon as you are able for it, you'll be living as a single mum in your own home, waiting on him hand and foot, and being lined up for the care of his mother too. (His own post-retirement plans might well include the same for him)

The MIL isn’t your problem here, it’s that you’ve taken a husband who was probably best left on the shelf.
I’d plan asap for flight, if appropriate financial arrangements are in place (as they should be, of course)

But meanwhile, I’d scarper to a hotel or a lovely little AirB&B with my baby, without delay.

Putting everything else aside , she’s 92 .
She needs looking after , she won’t be capable of looking after anyone else at that age .
I’m surprised she has travelled ( independently? ) a distance to visit you .
She really shouldn’t be staying with you at this relatively early stage when you’re getting used to being a first time mum .
But since she’s here , your husband needs to look after you AND his mum !
Many grandparents are in their early 60s so that’s a totally different situation where they are young enough to be a help with the baby and around the house