15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

i imagine he was completely ragging the engine, pushing it to the max and he’s blown the back box.

What even is this comment?!

"Why did you go on holiday without your kids?!" Seriously 🙄

I go away once a year without mine, they are left with relatives who love them and care for them, and they dont act up or joy ride cars, in fact they behave better with other people than me 😂

Dont try and shame someone for being able to take a break from their children, he hasnt taken the car BECAUSE they went away 🤦‍♀️

And if he’d hit someone? We should make allowances then too?? It could still have been vehicular manslaughter and a custodial sentence no matter what school he goes to.

I am adding, this should be approached as a fail for all of you not just him.
You know he has adhd, you know he can drive, you left the keys out. He took the probably impulsive decision to drive the car. MiL didnt lock the door. Etc.
Adhd is a disability that causes impulsive and risk taking behaviour without thinking it through.
You should approach as a family, not just call the police on your child and put it all on him.
You have to think about how you show him the dangers, the consequences, watch videos about what legal consequences he will face and ground him or take away tech etc.
Thrill seeking is clasic adhd behaviour, as its delf medication for the mjssing dopamine, my adhd son is happiest doing things that are risky, he will make a great marine or somrthing like that.
Why was he thrill seeking late at night, did he have enough stimulation during the day? Get to the root cause.
With adhd its not defiance, its an urgent need to feed the dopamine that takes over your brain.

Some ridiculous comments here.

OP is perfectly entitled to go on holiday without the children and had arranged a babysitter
(and at 15 I was stsying home alone if my parents were away).

Also plenty of kids know how to drive.

OP -you mention that you might call the police. Do it officially. This isn’t just ‘bad behaviour’. He could have killed someone, maybe he won’t be so lucky next time. I’m sure a lot of the ‘oh but it’s his first time’ posters would have a different opinion in that situation.

This could easily be my son in the future. He’s 14 now.

I was only thinking yesterday that people on here always say “don’t let him do xyz” when the truth is….I physically can’t stop him.

And OP, you sound just like us/me but just a year or so ahead.

Just…. 💐

@Peoplearereallyweird I work in an AP for childrem just like your son.

This isnt uncommon. People would be shocked if im honest!

You need to go further with this, phone/console removal yes. I would definetly report to the police, and let the school know so they can support also.

I would also be removing any other privileges he may have and then in his "free time" he needs to work to earn back the money it would have cost to insure him on the car for that time, the fuel, the road tax etc work it out with him and add it up.

If he is irresponsible enough to do this, he is not mature enough for a phone and going out without parents etc. Really make it black and white that he has broken your trust and let him see the consequences. Escorted to school, escorted home etc.

This is also my son.

OP- I reckon get the police involved. Maybe start with his school, though. They should know what to do and how it will go.

In the early 2000’s, when I was 15, the boys would always take their parents cars if their parents were away/ out for the night.

I don’t see how this is so unbelievable to other posters.

Sorry, OP. I don’t have any advice. It’s a really tough spot for you to be in. I can see why you wouldn’t want to involve the police but I also know how serious this is and how he may never do it again.

What an idiotic comment.

I took my mums bfs car for a joyride when I was 17, also been drinking, it was a very very stupid idea and I didn’t get very far as I crashed into the neighbours brick wall narrowly missing there house. I actually called the police myself because I was so scared of my mums reaction when she got home. I am also asd. I got off with a slap on the wrist luckily but I was marched over there the next day with a bunch of flowers.

I did exactly this when I was 15, my parents were away on holiday and I fancied taking their car out for a spin so I did. This was the days before dash cams etc so I got away with it. It now absolutely feel me with horror or what could have happened had I had a crash or hurt someone else. However at the time I was spoilt, immature and selfish and desperate to impress people. Personally I would file a report with the police as this might knock a bit of sense into him.

This isn’t your fault OP.

You should be able to have a break with your husband now your children are older and you have supportive family to look after them.

And even though your son has special needs, he knows right from wrong.

Just to add - OP you sound like a brilliant parent and that you are doing everything you possibly can to deal with the challenges,

Whilst you have explained his issues, you aren’t making excuses for them, although most of the posters seem to be!

I’m ND myself but it isn’t a ‘get out of jail free’ card, especially with something like this where someone could have been killed,

Sending

I did it but at 16 yrs, just once.
the main thing is to really try to make him agree he won’t do it again because of the risks that he could not fully identify.
I don’t think the police will help.
this is not your fault - my parents were fine.

I understand your fear and horror OP but I think stopping the young driver thing and mechanic is wrong.

If he loves kt, and has a strong motivation for stimulation and risk taking, stopppjnh this form of driving will make him continue to seek it out secretly or take bigger risks. You need to reassure his brain he doesn't need to hide things and take risks to get stimulation

My dad took me out once or twice a year from the age of 14 on an old airfield so that by the time I got to 17 I could set off, change gear etc. it wasn't a particularly unusual occurrence locally.

My brother did this at a similar age- amongst other dreadful shitty behaviour- stealing from mums purse, weed, neglecting himself, school avoidance etc.

He could not accept any wrongdoing doing at that time.

Fast forward to his mid twenties and he was in therapy twice a week for a good year accepting his previous behaviours and has more recently diagnosed with ADHD.

He has grown up and holds down a stable job, raising kids etc but he was turbulent until 19/20.

Keep an open mind that he really might not yet have the brain development to fully comprehend his situation and why it was such a dangerous move. The pre frontal cortex is fully mature around 24; delayed further if neurodivergent.

Stay well yourself, OP, it’s a big thing to have to work through.

The same ‘child’ who could have killed someone by his actions?

What crime would your child have to commit for you to report them?

God the excuses on here are depressing.

I did this a few times as a teenager. Nobody ever found out. I lived out in the country (on a farm so had been driving a while) but needed to get to a shop when I was home alone so just took the car. I turned out fine.

first point, I’d talk with your son. Calmly. Explain the severity of what he did and how you will always find out.

Whilst I’m sure that’s true about the brain development, why do people see that as an excuse for so many things (particularly in men)?

I learned to drive a manual when I was 10, these days 10 year olds can take part in supercar driving experiences.

Do you think he will listen calmly and then never do it again?

She could wait and see if any fines come through and then give the holiday as evidence they were away then, she can just ‘discover’ the footage at that point if she needs to