15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

If you want him charged report it, no it wont automatically mean they will but the police have enough to do without being used as a parent tool that is up to the parents to parent

I can’t believe the incredulous responses already about how dare you holiday without your children and also how it can’t have happened cos he hasn’t had driving lessons yet 🤣
I did this at 15, no one got hurt and it’s a funny memory. I also grew up to be a law abiding citizen, I’d fucking kill him if I was you OP x

I’d report to police, why? 1. Because it may come back to bite you if you don’t and 2. Most importantly, he needs to understand the seriousness of what he has done, actions have consequences, he could have killed himself or an innocent person. He knew it was wrong, he did it anyways.

My brother did this when he was 15 and took me to do donuts at the local Asda. At the time I thought it was so fun, but now I’m an adult… Jesus Christ, bloody dangerous. I think you need to scare the living shit out of him. Idk about reporting him to the police, you don’t want him charged but then again what if there’s speeding fines ect. I think you should clam down fist and have a proper think.

My DS was driving at 15 - Young driver course which he did for his DofE skills unit.

Don't get the police involved. It will make everyone's life a misery for no reason. Tell him you will call if he does it again, or preferably keep the keys with you! Did none of you do stupid things at 15yo?

I believe you. I have a son with ADHD. When he was much younger, he told us had calculated that he could open his bedroom and make the jump onto the trampoline in the back garden. We rectified that, quickly!
You are absolutely allowed to go on holiday! He was properly cared for and looked after.

As a first step - could you ask him what motivated him to do it? Friend’s pressuring him, something he’s watched online about someone doing it, a film he’s watched recently? Try to find the reason behind it? Was he testing boundaries?

From there, work backwards. Explain you cannot protect him from any consequences, like speeding tickets etc. and reiterate how dangerous it was. Maybe show him some car crash images, so he can visually understand. I know that ADHD people sometimes cannot imagine consequences, they need actual, physical proof.

It’s not a popular opinion, and I know ADHD kids need the dopamine hit from screens, but mine is much better behaved and calmer when I do remove them for bad behaviour.

Then practical stuff like: house alarm fitted with sensors on windows and doors to alert you if he’s trying to sneak out again. What about an old fashioned Crooklock on your steering wheel to deter him? Also, do you have Life360 on his phone to alert you if he leaves somewhere?

Sending Unmumsnetty hugs! I am just about to get to this stage.

People not believing this, I have worked with 15 year olds that have got points on their (future) licence for driving offences.

No, don't ask an officer friend to "Have a word".

You'd put them in an awful position, knowing a serious crime was committed and I'm pretty sure they could be duty bound to report it, or get in serious shit. Don't make them have to make that call, call the police yourself.

You have no idea if your son ran red lights, was speeding, if anyone has reported dangerous driving with your numberplate etc, any kind of fine or points could potentially land on your mat, or worse, an investigation.

You need to go to the police yourself first thing, report this, and get ahead of any nasty potential surprises to come, and to hold your son accountable for an incredibly reckless and dangerous thing he's done, he NEEDS to be made to understand the huge danger he posed to himself and everyone else doing what he did.

Boys often develop an interest in cars if their fathers are car enthusiasts. Teaching them how to drive below the legal driving age but not giving them an outlet to use the skills (karting, track days) builds a huge pent up desire to drive. Irrespective of any ND diagnosis, the chances of joy riding the family car are high in this situation.

Lock the keys away whenever you leave the house. Revise early driving initiation strategy for your 10 year old.

Thanks all. I won't ask my police officer friends as it will put them in an awkward position and I don't want to do that.

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf I reviewed some more of the dash cam footage last night and it seems he was driving "sensibly" not massively speeding, he stopped at red lights etc so less of the "joy" more of the "ride". He couldn't rag my car round the streets anyeay, it's a bog standard 1.6 SUV type car. It doesn't make it any better, but at least I'm less likely to get tickets etc.

@LEWWW He abaolutely knew it was wrong enough to not take his Dad's more powerful sporty car.

@doorbellringer2 I do have life360 but he amitted to pausing the location so it didn't alert. I don't think you can set it to notify if they've paused location sharing? I'm now looking into alarms for inside with window things and getting outdoor camera's put up. Safe on order for all the car keys.

@FrauPaige hadn't wanted to put this as it will very likely out me to anyone who knows me, but he attends a weekly mechanics course via school that happens at a local go kart track. Part of the practical lesson and a treat is to be able to take the carts out, so he has the opportunity for a driving "outlet" each week. Again told by the staff there that he's good, feeding further into his ego that he can drive. No more young learner for either of them!

I didn't sleep well and I'm upset this morning. I can't believe he did it. I have failed

I didn't have a clue how to drive a car before my first driving lesson.

I also wondered how he knew what to do.

@Peoplearereallyweird if you think there is a danger he might do this again you need to lock the keys away or take them with you.

We have a safe so now all car keys will be locked away as we simply cannot take the risk. I am looking at alarm systems and cameras now for both interior and exterior.

I'm heartbroken at how this has affected my MIL. She's blaming herself because she forgot to remove the back door key, which is how he got out.

This is a really difficult position to be in. I'm sorry for you.

You haven't failed. He has made his own decision and he clearly knew it was wrong. How you respond to it is what's most important now.

I'm a police officer and I think you should report this. Two reasons -

You don't know if something happened where the Police are going to end up knocking on your door anyway - what would you say then? Feign ignorance? I think the truth (that you already knew) would likely come out and wouldn't look good.

It shows your son the consequences of his actions. At 15, the legal implications are likely to be different than at 17. His ASD will be taken into a account when making a final decision and he may well get some early intervention work that they wouldn't do with him when he's older.

For what it's worth, I'd be very annoyed if one of my friends asked me to have a chat with their kid about something like this so I'm glad you've decided not to do that.

Definitely tell school about what happened. Are there any particular teachers/TAs he has respect for that can talk to him? However if his behaviour is deteriorating it’s probably because he doesn’t like being there either. SEMH schools are necessarily the right fit for sad/adhd just because they are specialist provision.

Go back and talk to him when you are calmer and be aware his behaviour may escalate without his phone or gaming console. It’s often hard for them to articulate why they are unhappy but try and find out.

Have you had any support from anyone such as the Early Help team at the local authority for his behaviour? They might be able to signpost you to initiatives/interventions that might help.

Its a really shit situation for you to be in, and not everyone posting on AIBU has experience of life with an SEN teen so just ignore those who post in ignorance.

Has he got the idea off the Ferris Bueller film?

I agree with @BlueFlashingLights

So let's get this straight, he took your car, damaged your exhaust and doesn't see what he's done wrong?

You will not change the behaviour with a safe. And it's clear his behaviour had been poor up to this point.

I think this is really tricky because on one hand, he could have killed someone or himself. He's damaged the car so he obviously wasn't in full control.

Secondly, he doesn't seem to understand the severity of it. At 15 he should and if it's his ND issues which are preventing that, it doesn't stop him being a risk to himself or others.

Locking keys away only stops him doing that thing. What if he takes alcohol instead? Or takes a friend's parents car?

I don't know if there is a friendly teacher at school who you could approach because, and I mean this kindly, I think this behaviour is beyond only you dealing with it because I think it would be beyond any of us and I fear for his future. He needs some consequences of this for sure and being ND myself, I have concerns about it being used as a complete "get out".

Likewise though I have no idea what I'd do in this situation and despite my ND and extreme anxiety, at 15 I was taking long distance trains and commercial flights on my own, (responsibly) but mostly down to extremely bad parenting which meant I was having to parent myself at that age. Also my 15 year old I could not imagine doing anything like this for which I realise is more luck than anything I've done.

It must be so hard.

Read this after posting my comment. I agree. I think this is a really good point you've made that you do actually know a crime has been committed here and if some CCTV picks up he's driving (and he looks young) then you will be approached by the police anyway.

I cannot imagine any penalty would be too extreme and intervention work sounds like what is needed.

Part of me is tempted to suggest lying that it wasn't you that contacted the police but I wouldn't. Again it's bound to come out later anyway and while that might be a trust issue for him, it's also demonstrating that you hold up the law and laws are not optional, even for him.

This is a tricky one. Does the school have a police link officer? Some schools have someone that comes into school (generally focus is on drugs) and maybe you could see what their advice is.

I think the issue is while you have reviewed the footage there are some aspects you are not sure about. Such as whether he was speeding in one zone. What would you do if you did get sent a speeding ticket? Would you then admit to him being the driver?
As others have said, as you know he has commited an offence would this put you in the wrong? While he has his ASD diagnosis and could be used to claim he didn't know how wrong it was, you and your husband could be held to account for knowing about his joyride.

@BlueFlashingLights will it give him a criminal record if they allow for the early intervention? I know that would be his own fault if it did but just wondering. I suddenly remembered in the early hours that my brother broke into a car when he was the same age and got caught in the act. I know he had to write a letter of apology but I can't remember if he got a record from it. Coincidentally, he has also just now been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
If my friends found out, are the obliged to report it? One is the husband of a good friend of mine and just wondering if this is not something I should confide in her about if it puts him in a bad spot with mandated reporting - as I assume this would be a massive safeguarding issue?

@adhdpunchbag God I feel that username this morning. Probably look like I've been a punchbag too with my puffy eyes from crying!

@Lemonthyme I might've used the wrong wording - it's not that he doesn't know it's wrong but just not showing that he cares it was wrong. I said to him, when I found out about the stretch of road with the avg speed check, if you've got caught you're going to have a criminal record, points before you start, fines etc and he just said "oh well". I askes him if just didn't give a shit and his amswer was "well there's nothing that I can do about it if it happens". I don't know if that's the ASD or if he just doesn't give a shit. I won't lie and tell him it wasn't me. He knows how much I hate lying. This will affect our relationship either way as he will probably hate me for reporting him

Idk if you’re going to contact the police. Another avenue is the fire brigade, if you know anyone from there. There were 2 teen boys killed in an awful accident last Friday night. They were in a sports car going along the road, the 18 yo driving, his 16 yo brother a passenger. They hit a bend too fast, careered through a wooded area, onto a bridge above the M1, then went over the side and fell on top of a mini bus.

The car was unrecognisable and the boys died instantly. Their poor parents having to make an identification. In this case, 2 of their children are dead.

I know a fireman. Most scenes the fire brigade go to are teen boy / young men losing control because they’re driving too fast. And on reading this back to myself, I’m thinking you probably should inform the police. Cruel to be kind.

All these people saying how does he know how to drive…. You know driving sims exist in arcades and even in homes? My dd has a full set up as her and her grandad are f1 obsessed. She’s got the gear stick, the steering wheel, the racing seat and a 48 inch monitor. She’s been able to “drive” since she her grandad taught her at about 11. And her transition to an actual car was pretty seamless, she’s doing her driving test on Monday and had only had 10 lessons to refine her technique. Automatic cars also exist and are very very straight forward to drive.

my sister took my automatic car out on a joy ride with her mates at 15 , I went absolutely ballistic. She got a bloody speeding ticket. Mum wouldn’t let me report it and took the points herself as I was livid. But my dsis turned out just fine. Went on to get 3 degrees and is perfectly responsible. It was one stupid reckless mistake as a teenager and im honestly I’m glad I didn’t report her and her mates.

How did he break the exhaust? It sounds like he was just driving.