15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

The big issue is not how his family feels though, is it?

Do you think any 15yo lad (even someone without impulsive ADHD) is going to think ‘ooh I don’t want to upset them or get a fine so I won’t do that again’?

It’s not about feelings, it’s about the risk that he could have killed someone

Exactly. But he has adhd so you know that’s a get out free card on here.

This is very serious, he could have killed someone. Personally, I’d be having strong words with him and asking a police officer friend to be present when you do it.
Not criticising you for going away without your children…..perhaps next time, take the car keys with you.
I hope you get this resolved, your DS was in the wrong and needs to understand that actions have consequences…….in this case they could have been fatal.

This is not someone being caught smoking round the back of the bike sheds.

And by the same token, if it was one of your loved ones who was injured or killed in this situation, you would be baying for blood.

My son with adhd did this and the police randomly caught him . He got 8 points on a provisional and a big fine (£400) for no insurance etc .
The longer term punishment is that he can’t drive now as having 8 points means insurance for him as a young male will be unattainable .

I think it happens more often than you think tbh.

This child could have caused the deaths of multiple people, or himself. Thanks to God he didn't and he's safe. When next time happens, and if it was your boy, OP, or indeed mine that got killed, would you be glad you'd just arranged for 'a stern talking to'?

Yes, there are obviously very difficult consequences to reporting this to the police and I'm not minimising those. But dear God, despite all these posters asking why on earth you'd even think about the police ... Because the consequences of not reporting could be indescribably worse than to do so.

You're not on top of this child's needs. You know that. I'm not suggesting you should be. Kids like this need a village of good services and support and it sounds like you've fought tirelessly to try and get his needs met. Keep pushing. Reporting to the police may help access more.

I can't give details because it's related to a professional situation but I knew a kid whose parents kept covering up, and looking back I feel sure they would have made a different decision if they could have seen the future.

Good luck with what is unarguably an incredibly difficult and distressing situation for you.

That. Exactly.

I knew how the car's controls worked before I was out of primary.

Observation and a maternal Uncle who was keen to explain.

Given the downward spiral in his behaviour, his ADHD, his supposed natural affinity and fascination with cars, surely your son joyriding in your car shouldn’t be all that shocking. You say he knows right from wrong? He clearly doesn’t or think that certain rules don’t apply to him. Your son is on a precarious trajectory and I think he’s probably beyond the short sharp shock of talking to from a Police officer speaking in an unofficial capacity (he’d know instantly if there was a risk of the conversation leading to a formal reprimand). I doubt SS are going to be as helpful as you’d hope either.

He needs professional intervention, what is the school's view on his worsening behaviour?

Interestingly the OP is not making excuses for him unlike many of the posters.

Those advocating a bit of a telling off about how he upset his family would be kicking off if it had been their loved ones killed or injured,

The fact that he didn’t hit anyone doesn’t lessen the severity of it.

OP does not need to be told how she shouldn’t have gone away and how she should protect her child. She clearly understands the implications and is doing her best to stop something like this happening again.

People in the house should alwayschace access to the outside of the house in the evening fire or other emergency. If she had removed key, I assume he would still know where it is kept at night, so whether it was in the door or not, he had decided to do this anyway. Totally not her fault, but explain to you son how his grandma is now feeling, and why she is feeling like this.

That will prevent him doing it again, I’m sure.

How many 15yo would be bothered about how they make people feel? Teens are selfish (I say that as an ex-teen 🤣)

Do you think those repeat offenders out there just needed to be told how people feel? There’s a good chance that that was how their parents dealt with it, hence escalation of behaviour as no consequences

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. Her son was 14 and took the car a few times with friends. She was getting damage on her car and thought she was going mad until one of his friends parents found video footage on their child's phone.

My friend was so upset and angry and immediately wanted to call the police. The child's father disagreed. My friend told the school and they said they had no choice but to involve the police. The police visited him and had very stern words. They also put a marker on her car. If the car was seen out after midnight the police were to pull it over.

Anyway, the police chat did the job. She slept with her car key and spare set for a few years and he is now a fully functioning adult with a good job, I nice girlfriend and group of friends....and still a love of cars and mechanics.

All is not lost, but you don't need me to tell you that it needs to be dealt with seriously. Good luck!

I do not get this message from many people on this thread, but especially not the OP. Bore off.

Im sorry this must be terrifying for you on so many levels.

1. The risk taking behaviour that could have resulted in serious consequences.(accident,injury to your son or others,financial and legal consequences)
2. The immaturity and lack of impulse control.
3. The deceit,betrayal of trust and lack of regard for the consequences or the law.

I dont know wether this behaviour is related to neurodiversity or personality but if it is repeated it will have consequences eventually. I can see your difficulty in deciding what to do. What are your DH thoughts. My focus would be preventing a recurrence . Keys secured. Talking to him and professional therapy to try to support his decision making and impulse control. Punitive measures ? as decided by you and your DH. If there are repercussions ie: road violations or reports. He will face consequences. Something similar happened to someone i knew, they felt as you do, horrifed and conflicted. They reprimanded their son ,removed priviledges and got him some talking therapy (he also had a neurodiverse diagnosis) .He still did it again and caused damage to property and vehicle ,fortunately no injuries but he was charged and convicted. They were left wondering if they were too understanding on the first occassion but i dont think it would have made any difference because the act itself show such gross immaturity. I hope you can keep your son safe until he matures. Make sure he has no access to a vehicle until he demonstrates maturity for his safety and the safety of others. I hope for your son it was just a one off moment and that he processes it ,understands and reflects. Good luck x

I wonder if the vast majority of youngsters (usually but not always male) who have gone out "joyriding" and end up in police chases are undiagnosed ADHD or similar either due to it happening years ago or some parents not worrying what their children are up to as long as they are not pestering them (obviously not mn types).
If OP reports to a police friend informally then isn't there a duty of care or safeguarding obligation to take things further like if a child says something to their teacher. There have been quite a few cases recently of police being investigated for covering up things so they will feel they need to make it formal both because it is the right thing to and for fear of losing their jobs.

If you go to the police you son will be charged with taking without consent. He will go to youth court , or police rehabilitation. This focuses on behaviour rather than punishment, depends where you live. I think having a police officer who you know to talk to him, could be a good thing. Telling him the consequences, just might frighten the life out of him. He needs a tough approach, if he starting pulling stunts like this at 15, god knows what he could do as he gets older. You as the parent need to punish him, severely, otherwise you are setting yourself up, for god knows what..
.

That is a really unfair position to put the friend in. Like a PP said, they could get into real trouble if they don’t report something like that and lose their jobs.

And I have both types of ADHD - someone explaining the consequences would have done fuck all for me at that age except made me feel I had got away with it and would probably do so again.

OP said he knows the difference between right and wrong therefore he knew it was wrong when he did it but his impulsivity overrode that. It’s not like he didn’t understand what he was doing was wrong

Tbh, based on my insurance experience, I would avoid landing him with any sort of conviction now. There is an absolute issue where kids end up uninsurable before they've even passed their test. It's a real problem where kids cant drive legally because they were idiots at a young age.

Yes. Joyriders are noted for being 18+ with full driving licenses...

i wouldnt tell the police unless thwy come knocking at which point i’d be horrified as though it was new news.

if you tell them and your car insurance it could go up, youll pay the £400 or whatever fine, and the points wouldnt be something he'd even think about or understand until hes 17 and tries to get insurance.

you need a punishment now that he wont like. a serious one. one he will remember for a long time

you could do all the usual punishment stuff at home, but maybe add on something else that hed get if he offended, such as litter picking for 30 or 40 hours “community service” as that’s what hed get. You could both join a litter picking locally as volunteers. it’s a pain in the arse for you but it would give him a feel for what happens if you break the law. without the other consequences which would affect your purse more than him.

I’d tell him to not tell anyone ever about his stupidity as if they tell one person who tells one person who tells one person, it expands akd the police may hear if someone’s dad or whatever is told.

Some people just work out how to. My Son did from watching me! By the time he was old enough for actual lessons he could already drive to a fair standard

Then that’s the consequence of his behaviour. It’s worrying to think that kids can do this at 15 yet hold a full licence at 17. Especially males as they are a higher risk anyway

If mil had taken the key they might have all died in a house fire.. A stretch as any premonition you didn't have about joy riding.. Of course don't report him.

And this sort of approach is exactly why we have a criminal justice system filling up with young adults who have no respect for others or fear of consequences. This was not a "mistake".

Lol, I could drive a car at 10...