15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

I don't know if someone else has asked this already or whether you have already ascertained this and answered this question - how did he break the exhaust? It would seem logical that he hit something with the bottom of the car - drove over a kerb maybe, hit a speed bump? but something - you don't break the exhaust by driving at 47km per hour without incident.

very long, please just scroll on by if not interested!

@Peoplearereallyweird

Big Hug & a box of tissues. Nothing wrong with crying, it's good for your system to let it out!

Try not to take the 'less helpful' posts to heart. There have been some nasty & some stupid ones that say much more about the posters than you!

There was nothing, NOTHING, wrong with going away for a few days & MIL looking after them (& of course, as you say, absolutely NOT her fault, but I can see why she feels so bad, I would too)

You are NOT a failure & you have not failed him.

I lived overseas when I was 15 & got my full drivers licence at 15. My Dad taught me to drive, I'd never done any of the young driver things (don't think they even existed) the first time he took me out (to a large empty carpark!) I could drive. Yes, it was a bit rough, but that just took practice!

Anecdotally my niece & nephew have just learned to drive a couple of years apart. My nephew is the younger of the two & had done young drivers things & driven off road vehicles growing up (niece could have, but wasn't interested). Nephew is a far better (& safer) driver of the two (despite niece being calm
& sensible). I wouldn't stop your boys having those experiences. That's not what made him drive your car.

Sometimes teens do stupid fucking stuff that they should know better than to do. But like the over sized toddlers they are (NT/ND/whatever) they act before they think.

It's bloody hard when they don't seem to understand or care how dangerous/illegal/fucking stupid something they have done is.

I have ND/Adhd/autism/brain damage through a car accident etc in our extended family & close friends & I have a lot of experience through my work.

I actually feel like if anything you are minimising the impact his ADHD etc has on DS & you are definitely not using it as an excuse.

I don't know what you 'should do' as it's more complicated with your relative working at the school (& DS not able to keep his mouth shut!!) & I'm sure you'll figure out the best options for you & DS.

I'm not sure what consequences will help either. It's very difficult when he was already going through a rough patch behaviour wise and it's different for each child /family.

But I just want to assure you that you're not a failure!

You WILL get through this & he will grow up.

One hour at a time lovely & start being kind to yourself! Xx

I feel for you this must be horrendous, but the attitude of not giving a shit would actually be making me pick up the phone!

He has asd adhd. Processing can take time.

in her post you quoted she said the 'don't give a shit' attitude has gone.

She's speaking to the school & police liaison officer (she hopes) on Monday, there is no need to ring the police today.

I gave commented a couple of times on this thread. However I've just been thinking about it and remembered something from 30 years ago.
When I was working in the youth service as it was called back then, some of our 'kids' stole a rcar at night. During their joy ride the driver lost control on a bend and the car crashed. The driver had minor injuries, the lads in the back had more serious injuries but the passenger died.

Everybody talked about how great the lad who died was. They were right, he was. We had no issues with him, school didn't have any major problems.and he had a great personality. He was as daft as a brush and would make you laugh and he was good with the other children and helpful to the staff.
He just made a one bad decision after being egged on by his mates and that cost him his life. He was 15.

Every now and then when I drive past the site I think of him, not all the time of course , but enough to remember some if the daft things he said, the residential trips we went on.
Such a shame.
Op,I cant remember did he go by himself with a friend?

I feel like such a failure as a Mum right now- I haven't raised him like this*
You are not a failure.
When we've had to talk about some sons criminal or bad behaviour, we've had mums wonder what our problem is. You are dealing with this and are upset by it. That makes you a good mum.

No we have established that he was definitely alone in the car. One of the downloads does capture him asking his friend on the phone if he wanted him to go and get him, but the lad said no as his Mum would kill him - I did ask my DS what he thought I would do when I found out!!

I do appreciate all of the helpful advice but I am going to step away for a while, whilst we sort it all out.

@Peoplearereallyweird if you report and your DS gets a criminal record, are you sure he won’t just think ‘f**kit! I’ve got a criminal record anyway’ when it comes to the next thing he shouldn’t be doing?

Having a criminal record will affect his future employability, which has proven to be one of the major factors of returning to crime.

If I were you OP, I would thank my lucky stars no one was hurt and find an alternative way of making sure this or any other illegal behaviour doesn’t happen again.

I would set out what would have happened if he had injured someone with no insurance in place. The bills could reach stratospheric proportion.

You are right to get outside agencies involved. I hope it will impress on him how stupid he has been.

What a terrible thing to happen to you l agreement people on this site think its funny...Would they be laughing if he killed someone, doubt it, there is a reason you can only start driving at 17, pass a test etc. If that was my child , then again, none of my 3 did do anything like that. Alot to do with how they are brought up.
So sad your horse died, the whole incident must have been so traumatic, unsurprising, you are still suffering. There's alot of people out there that think rules ate meant to be broken...Sending good wishes to you

Really. ? When I was a teenager a loadr of the boys had convictions due to TDA . That was in the mid 80s

So inappropriate 🤔

Really. ? When I was a teenager a loadr of the boys had convictions due to TDA . That was in the mid 80s

Yeah, i remember loads as well as it was the start of my career working with young people. There seemed to be a period when we were getting less car crimes and moved over to drug related stuff and then cars became a thing again. These days the last car one I remember through work was about 14 months ago when one of the young people moved from my place of work to a permanent residential centre. We heard that he stole a staff car. The staff was a wake night watch and fell asleep ( he was soon fired) and the kid stole his keys. He crashed into a garden wall!