AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

That might seem a reasonable course of action to you and I but OP chose to name the child after his father and I don't think she really minds 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why does the OP NEED to resort to blackmail to change the child's name? She doesn't care about the kid having husband Fathers name... she just wants him to stop yelling her what she can and can't do.

Thank you

Please give it a break!

The procedure was carried out in a private clinic, not via the NHS, I don’t know why you even thought it was.

I was against it before and still am, because the only advantage is that it is much cleaner.

Why would it matter to me? He's my baby's dad, so there's really no good reason for him to take my last name.

So why did you do it? What were you hoping to gain from having your newborn mutilated?

I suspect you thought giving him his father’s name and adhering to this hideous request would make him think twice about leaving his wife. Neither of these actions are the actions of a woman who intends to do it alone.

And his wife will find out, one day, about you and this baby. And your son won’t be welcomed into the arms of his half siblings. They’ll more likely shun the cheating arsehole, squeeze him for everything they can and he’ll no doubt blame you. You’ll literally be left holding the baby.

DH and I were married for nearly 10 years before DD came along. She has my surname, because I took all the risks and did all the hard work bringing her into the world.

It’s a sexist tradition and it’s scary that you don’t consider your own efforts worthy of passing on.

You just love stoking his ego.

Traditionally a child gets the mothers surname.

I didn’t expect to gain anything from this, and breaking up his family is the last thing on my mind. I'm totally fine with him being with his wife and kids, I just want him to leave me alone.

A whole new side of him ? Apart from being married with three kids ?

I already knew he was married with three kids.

He came over last night, and I told him I wasn’t happy with him. He said that the only reason he was doing and saying those things was because he cares about me.

He said he wanted to stay the night with us and thought it’d be nice for the baby to wake up to both of us. He even brought an overnight bag, but I stood my ground and told him he couldn’t stay. Then he said it was because I don’t trust myself around him.

You are 100% right, OP.

It isn't about not trusting yourself.. its just plain weird. You are not together anymore. And it wasn't even a real relationship given he hasn't a wife and whole other family.

The baby doesn't know its head from its arse atm so definitely wouldn't appreciate part time Daddy being there in the morning. It would however, unsettle YOUR routine.

Anytime he mentions anything like how you dress or how you should act etc you need to divert the conversation or ignore. "Please don't comment on my appearance and keep all communication about BABY NAME".

Thanks, I'll follow your advice, I'm completely done with him.

Unfortunately you just need to be blunt to keep your own peace. Of course the can be part of the child's life but he isn't your keeper.

You knew he was married when you were having sex with him?

he was having issues with his wife.

Oh yes, i see you said in your op. Why would you sleep with him?

Classy.

I've always liked him and he is the man I wanted, but since he was already taken, I couldn't be with him.

I'm just being completely honest here, I never planned to have a child with him. I would have had an abortion if he had asked me to.

It’s all whatever he wants, isn’t it?

name, birth certificate, circumcision, keeping you both secret.

You’re imagining being part of his world, being with his siblings but it’s a fantasy. You’re his dirty little secret, but worse than that, so is your child.

I don't want to be involved in his world, I'm happy with my baby.

He is an only child, so I don't see why you'd say that.

He is not an ollnly child. He has at least 3 siblings. You can't keep that from him forever.

You sound very naive - are you a teenager? How much older is he?

Your poor baby brought into this absolute shit show, I hope you manage to get away without the father kicking up a fuss - though by the sound of it, he's a controlling arsehole so I think you'll need a lot of luck.

I misread that, my son's father is an only child.

I'm no longer a teenager, nor am I naive, we are just one year apart in age.

Maybe it's just my typing style, I find it hard putting pen to paper.