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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
kitcat23 · 17/04/2026 17:52

Has he left his wife? Are you a couple? What’s the arrangement?

Lmnop22 · 17/04/2026 17:52

Why on Earth did you have a baby with a married man and father of three??

Honestly, grow up and set and better example for your child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2026 17:54

Is he still with his wife and does she know?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:56

kitcat23 · 17/04/2026 17:52

Has he left his wife? Are you a couple? What’s the arrangement?

No, he's staying with his wife and hasn't told a soul about the baby yet.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 17/04/2026 17:56

I think the fact that you've been shagging a married man with 3 kids while your ex is doing a lengthy stretch means people will be very much judging you. Move away with your baby if you want to, he's not going to stop you is he? Does his wife know about you and the baby?

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 17:58

The thing is he can now effectively control a lot of your life, and definitely the child’s, if he wants to, for the next 18 years, if he is on the birth certificate.

denisdenisdenis · 17/04/2026 17:58

Is he on the birth certificate?

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:00

Are you all alone now? Are you getting any support from friends or family?

AmazingGreatAunt · 17/04/2026 18:01

You are immoral, if you even know the meaning of the word.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:01

Yeah, he's on the birth certificate and the baby has his last name.

I know I probably shouldn't have gotten myself into this, but I didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened the first time we had unprotected sex, and that was only once.

I'm really embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and now I'm starting to see a whole new side of him.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/04/2026 18:02

This is a really tricky one ethically. A child should know their parents.

However if you move away he is unlikely to take you to court for access because he won’t want his wife to find out.

Also you may need to have moved so your jailed boyfriend doesn’t find out.

So generally, moving may be a good idea.

HisNotHes · 17/04/2026 18:03

This reply has been deleted

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PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/04/2026 18:03

This is like one of those conundrums about asking how to get to the town, ‘well I wouldn’t start from here!’.

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:04

He hasn't started to be controlling, he's controlled you from the start.

The baby is named something you don't like.
The baby has his surname not yours.

Does his wife know?
Is your ex in prison an ex so doesn't need to know? If not you need to finish that relationship too

The father is right, you are a mum now so stop behaving irresponsibly.

I'd tell the father to fuck off. If he wants to parent then step up and parent and that starts by telling his wife and kids and being a dad.

He doesn't get am opinion on you, your life or your choices when he's not in it as a partner, which he can't be with a wife

I hope you are getting child support.

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:05

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:01

Yeah, he's on the birth certificate and the baby has his last name.

I know I probably shouldn't have gotten myself into this, but I didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened the first time we had unprotected sex, and that was only once.

I'm really embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and now I'm starting to see a whole new side of him.

Stop having unprotected sex. FGS!

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:07

I've already been relocated by the authorities because of threats from my ex. I'm glad to be safe, but it feels really isolating around here.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:07

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 17:58

The thing is he can now effectively control a lot of your life, and definitely the child’s, if he wants to, for the next 18 years, if he is on the birth certificate.

You're right of course but as he's keeping it all a secret I don't think he will be as controlling if the OP grows up and challenges his behaviour. Starting with child support and telling people.

Bananalanacake · 17/04/2026 18:07

He doesn't live with you so he can't control you that much, and you're not in a relationship with him.

SisterThorn · 17/04/2026 18:09

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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:04

He hasn't started to be controlling, he's controlled you from the start.

The baby is named something you don't like.
The baby has his surname not yours.

Does his wife know?
Is your ex in prison an ex so doesn't need to know? If not you need to finish that relationship too

The father is right, you are a mum now so stop behaving irresponsibly.

I'd tell the father to fuck off. If he wants to parent then step up and parent and that starts by telling his wife and kids and being a dad.

He doesn't get am opinion on you, your life or your choices when he's not in it as a partner, which he can't be with a wife

I hope you are getting child support.

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:23

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

Does he want to see the baby?

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

Reframe this.

He is paying you child support you are legally entitled too. I just hope it's enough. Check the online calculator if you have an idea of this salary.

It is not an allowance.

He is not doing you a favour.

Please correct your thinking.

VeraWang · 17/04/2026 18:30

Got to love a Friday night on Mumsnet.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:31

Yes, and you are entitled to it whether or not he sees the baby.

Where would you move to if you could? Do you have family where you could go?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:34

I'm thinking about moving back near my family and friends to get more support.

I do want him to visit the baby regularly, and he does. He could come over later, though he usually has a comment about everything.

OP posts: