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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
Polkadotpompom · 19/04/2026 15:46

How old are you op?
I can't fathom how you thought this would all play out?

If you move back home to be closer to your family will you be safe? If so I'd do that. Get some space between you and him.

When he wants to spend time with your child he can take them out for a walk or to a play place etc, whether you move or don't I'd start setting up more boundaries. He doesn't need to be in your home at all, never mind bringing an overnight bag and thinking he'll be staying the night.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 19/04/2026 15:53

He's not a good guy. I'd you have an ex in prison it doesn't sound like you have great taste. I think you need to get away and get therapy.

is he on the birth certificate?

JHound · 19/04/2026 15:58

Move close to your family. Cut this man off. He is unlikely to be trying for access when he has a wife and children who are nonthewiser.

Then don’t date again until you have had some form of therapy to interrogate your very poor taste in men. I would also end things with the partner in jail.

JHound · 19/04/2026 16:00

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:44

Why would it matter to me? He's my baby's dad, so there's really no good reason for him to take my last name.

Why is there no good reason for the child to have your name? You are not with the father and never have been. And it’s your child.

JHound · 19/04/2026 16:01

RockyRoadTastesGood · 17/04/2026 23:39

Total bullshit. All of it. Nobody is THAT stupid. It’s absolute nonsense.

I have seen this before so can easily believe it. Some people have APPALLING taste in partners and procreate very irresponsibly.

JHound · 19/04/2026 16:07

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 08:26

I already knew he was married with three kids.

So you aren’t seeing a “whole new side of him”.

You knew from the start he was trash.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:07

Polkadotpompom · 19/04/2026 15:46

How old are you op?
I can't fathom how you thought this would all play out?

If you move back home to be closer to your family will you be safe? If so I'd do that. Get some space between you and him.

When he wants to spend time with your child he can take them out for a walk or to a play place etc, whether you move or don't I'd start setting up more boundaries. He doesn't need to be in your home at all, never mind bringing an overnight bag and thinking he'll be staying the night.

My age doesn't matter, and I don't believe I'd be safe if I moved back, yet I feel very lonely here.

I've started setting some boundaries. I let him know he's welcome to visit the baby whenever, but he can't spend the night, and I don't want any inappropriate touching from him.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 19/04/2026 15:53

He's not a good guy. I'd you have an ex in prison it doesn't sound like you have great taste. I think you need to get away and get therapy.

is he on the birth certificate?

I know my taste isn't the best, but he’s on the birth certificate and has his last name because he’s his child.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

JHound · 19/04/2026 16:07

So you aren’t seeing a “whole new side of him”.

You knew from the start he was trash.

He's not trash, me and him have always had a connection.

OP posts:
wendyla · 19/04/2026 16:12

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 13:12

I've always liked him and he is the man I wanted, but since he was already taken, I couldn't be with him.

I'm just being completely honest here, I never planned to have a child with him. I would have had an abortion if he had asked me to.

I want to approach this from a slightly different viewpoint. Your previous partner was abusive I believe and it looks like you have even unknowingly copied that pattern again, even if it’s not identical behaviour.
You are very aware that your choices haven’t always been great so the good thing is that you are being honest with yourself. And although unplanned, you have a son you dearly love.
I think it would be massively helpful for you to speak to someone to help with your confidence and self esteem, both for you and your son in the future. I don’t know where you live but I am sure there are some provisions available if you feel up to looking for them

BuckChuckets · 19/04/2026 16:12

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

He's not trash, me and him have always had a connection.

I'm starting to agree with PP that this is a teenager trying to troll.

ItTook9Years · 19/04/2026 17:49

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

I know my taste isn't the best, but he’s on the birth certificate and has his last name because he’s his child.

🤮

RampantIvy · 19/04/2026 18:02

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

I know my taste isn't the best, but he’s on the birth certificate and has his last name because he’s his child.

That is not a good enough reason to use his surname.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 18:47

RampantIvy · 19/04/2026 18:02

That is not a good enough reason to use his surname.

Because he is the father of my child.

I am seeing my doctor in a few days time, I’ll ask her about therapy, I need to heal.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 19/04/2026 18:49

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 18:47

Because he is the father of my child.

I am seeing my doctor in a few days time, I’ll ask her about therapy, I need to heal.

You’re the MOTHER of your child. Your input has been and is significantly greater.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 19:08

ItTook9Years · 19/04/2026 18:49

You’re the MOTHER of your child. Your input has been and is significantly greater.

I’m really not bothered

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 19/04/2026 19:09

Clearly.

SisterThorn · 19/04/2026 19:45

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 19:08

I’m really not bothered

We can tell.

If he told you to have an abortion you would have. Your poor child.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 20:50

SisterThorn · 19/04/2026 19:45

We can tell.

If he told you to have an abortion you would have. Your poor child.

My child is loved that’s the main thing

OP posts:
JHound · 21/04/2026 16:50

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 16:10

He's not trash, me and him have always had a connection.

He’s cheating on his wife and kids. He is trash.

denisdenisdenis · 21/04/2026 18:07

I hope his wife is a mums better, reads this, clocks what an arse she’s married to & dumps him.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 21/04/2026 20:29

I never thought I'd have to come back here, but I'm just feeling really down and depressed right now.

He asked me today if I could cut him a key, but I told him no. He asked for access to my Ring doorbell last week, saying it was for mine and the baby's safety. I let him because what's went on with my ex and don't have anything to hide.

My good friend and cousin came over to see me and the baby today, which was exactly what I needed. It was really nice having some company, but now that they've left, I'm feeling down again.

My son's dad asked why they stayed so long and said they'd outstayed their welcome. He told me next time to make sure they don’t stay that long because he doesn't really want them around the baby.

He is so brazen with his demands, it makes me think to myself does he know what he is doing.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 21/04/2026 20:50

He asked for access to my Ring doorbell last week, saying it was for mine and the baby's safety. I let him because what's went on with my ex and don't have anything to hide.

You can't see just how controlling he is. This ^^ is yet another way that he can control you. You shouldn't have let him have this.

BlueMum16 · 21/04/2026 21:59

Please remove his access and do not give him a key.

Does he track your phone?

You need to distance yourself and make a stand. You are not in a relationship. He does not get to have a day in your life.

ItTook9Years · 21/04/2026 22:33

Fuck’s sake OP. Move the hell away from this man. Can you really not see it?