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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 11:34

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 11:24

A) how is she supposed to change the name even if she wanted to?
B) she gets substantial financial support already, what would going to CMS achieve?!

Thank you!

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 12:01

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.
He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Fuck me.

You’ve branded your baby as his and mutilated his genitals for (another) man with the values of an alley cat. This child is utterly fucked if you don’t get your shit together.

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 12:04

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 21:18

I have already told my ex, I would never tell his wife, he is lucky that I am not the malicious type because I could ruin him if I really wanted to.

All I want him to do is to stop being controlling, I am perfectly capable of looking after my son and keeping him safe.

He’s controlling you to protect himself. Absolute snake.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Nothing could stop me telling his wife. Nothing.

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 12:06

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 11:21

I will be keeping my sons surname the way it is, because that’s his father the same way I carry my fathers surname.

And also, his reasoning for me not to share pictures of the baby is not so his wife doesn’t find out, she doesn’t know me and I don’t know her.

I will not be going to the CMS neither.

I understand that you might be trying to help but what you’ve suggested isn’t helpful at all.

Not sure why you posted. You have zero interest in helping yourself.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 12:28

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 12:04

He’s controlling you to protect himself. Absolute snake.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Nothing could stop me telling his wife. Nothing.

Yes he is on the birth certificate and baby also has his surname.

He called not long ago, saying we should take the baby out for a walk together.

I told him no thank you and I don’t want to play happy families with him.

OP posts:
Muteduck · 18/04/2026 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/04/2026 13:06

Asides from the absolute car crash of this baby and man, you've been moved by the authorities to prevent your ex knowing where you are but you have told him about your DS?! Why on earth are you even in contact with him?

I'd suggest getting yourself some therapy. Stop communicating with both of these men (limit the dad to emails only regarding contact with your DS, and block him on everything else).

You are a mum, your job is to protect and teach this tiny person how to be a decent human being. Start doing that.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 18/04/2026 13:21

If I had the means, I would move away while the baby is young. I don't think an environment where his dad hides his existence is healthy so I wouldn't be worried about leaving the dad behind.

Gazelda · 18/04/2026 13:35

OP, if I were you I’d be making plans to move closer to your family.

i’d never have contact with ex again. Never.

i’d tell your baby’s father that your relationship/affair is over and that you want him to be a positive part of your sons life but that he has no jurisdiction over you. If he can’t stop trying to control you, you will be reducing contact to ensure your son has thriving upbringing with a healthy and independent single mum.

he can visit when it suits you. You will communicate with him over medical, educational issues but day to day decisions will be yours to make. If he wants to alter that, he’ll have to take you to court.

engage with support networks to build an independent life for you and your son. Concentrate on that and forget about men/relationships until you’ve worked on your self esteeem so that you don’t fall into another unsuitable partnership that could impact your son.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why are you even leaving a comment? If you don't believe it, just go about your day.

Am I sounding like a 15-year-old? I thought I could be quite careless with my grammar here, but apparently not.

Starting now, I will type as though I am sitting for an English literature exam. Are you happy with that?

OP posts:
blackbunny · 18/04/2026 13:49

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 11:24

A) how is she supposed to change the name even if she wanted to?
B) she gets substantial financial support already, what would going to CMS achieve?!

Why go to CMS? Because he could decide to stop paying maintenance at any time. He has the control over this and it leaves OP in a vulnerable place.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 13:51

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/04/2026 13:06

Asides from the absolute car crash of this baby and man, you've been moved by the authorities to prevent your ex knowing where you are but you have told him about your DS?! Why on earth are you even in contact with him?

I'd suggest getting yourself some therapy. Stop communicating with both of these men (limit the dad to emails only regarding contact with your DS, and block him on everything else).

You are a mum, your job is to protect and teach this tiny person how to be a decent human being. Start doing that.

I am still not in contact with him, I told him before the baby was born because he would have found out sooner or later.

Because of the seriousness of the threats, the police had to relocate me since he involved his friends and family members in harassing me as well.

I am not going to completely cut off contact with my son's father; he deserves to have a father figure in his life and he does love him.

He said he would come by later, so I'll talk to him about how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 13:53

blackbunny · 18/04/2026 13:49

Why go to CMS? Because he could decide to stop paying maintenance at any time. He has the control over this and it leaves OP in a vulnerable place.

I don't mind if he stops paying maintenance, I can afford to take care of my baby myself. I don't really think he's the type to do something like that, but honestly, I'm not totally sure. I believed I knew the real him, but obviously, I do not.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 18/04/2026 14:04

Maintenance has nothing to do with him seeing him or not, in case you did not realise.

Gazelda · 18/04/2026 14:06

OP, you’ve said several times that you told ex about the baby because he would have found out at some point anyway.

so what? He’s your ex. Your baby and your life are nothing to do with him.

by letting know about your baby, you’re maintaining some form of contact and he/his family probably interpret that either as a continued affection for him or as a means to needle him. Neither of which is i your best interest or that of your son.

your life is over complicated. Concentrate on simplifying it and focussing on the positive wellbeing of the two of you. Everyone else is irrelevant.

oustedbymymate · 18/04/2026 14:11

That poor baby. What a shit show to be born into

SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 08:14

She can't! He's on the birth certificate!! She's given him all the control

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:18

Gazelda · 18/04/2026 14:06

OP, you’ve said several times that you told ex about the baby because he would have found out at some point anyway.

so what? He’s your ex. Your baby and your life are nothing to do with him.

by letting know about your baby, you’re maintaining some form of contact and he/his family probably interpret that either as a continued affection for him or as a means to needle him. Neither of which is i your best interest or that of your son.

your life is over complicated. Concentrate on simplifying it and focussing on the positive wellbeing of the two of you. Everyone else is irrelevant.

Edited

That’s different people keep asking that same question.

I don't have anything to do with my ex or his friends and family anymore.

I'm doing everything I can to protect my baby because there has also been a threat against their life.

This is a difficult and embarrassing situation, yet the main thing is that me and baby are safe.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:25

SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

Why are you pushing me to blackmail him? I never said I was unhappy with my baby having his surname, after all, he is the father.

I am not a malicious person, I would never destroy what he has at home. Remember, three other innocent children would also be affected, and I’m not about to do that to them.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:28

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:25

Why are you pushing me to blackmail him? I never said I was unhappy with my baby having his surname, after all, he is the father.

I am not a malicious person, I would never destroy what he has at home. Remember, three other innocent children would also be affected, and I’m not about to do that to them.

Letting his wife know he's a scumbag isn't malicious... don't you think she deserves that level of respect?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:34

BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:28

Letting his wife know he's a scumbag isn't malicious... don't you think she deserves that level of respect?

She's probably familiar with what he's like by now.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:52

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:34

She's probably familiar with what he's like by now.

Probably isn't aware her children have a new sibling though

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/04/2026 15:50

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 13:51

I am still not in contact with him, I told him before the baby was born because he would have found out sooner or later.

Because of the seriousness of the threats, the police had to relocate me since he involved his friends and family members in harassing me as well.

I am not going to completely cut off contact with my son's father; he deserves to have a father figure in his life and he does love him.

He said he would come by later, so I'll talk to him about how I'm feeling.

I did suggest email only regarding contact with his son. There is no requirement for you to casually chat about anything else with him, for him to have access to you via social media, or for any other means of communication.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/04/2026 16:53

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 06:03

Not to be rude but I don’t know where you got that information from, yes they can carry out circumcision for non medical reasons and it certainly wasn’t done by someone unlicensed and untrained, I would never allow that to happen.

You can literally look at NHS rules. Medical reasons only. Even official private clinics like Nuffield you can look for yourself - only over 3yo and only for medical reasons.

They're often performed in 'clinics' by religious practitioners that simply do a lot of them. They're usually not Dr's.

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 17:02

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/04/2026 16:53

You can literally look at NHS rules. Medical reasons only. Even official private clinics like Nuffield you can look for yourself - only over 3yo and only for medical reasons.

They're often performed in 'clinics' by religious practitioners that simply do a lot of them. They're usually not Dr's.

You're wrong
https://www.gmc-uk.org/professional-standards/the-professional-standards/personal-beliefs-and-medical-practice/personal-beliefs-and-medical-practice

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?