AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

Total bullshit. All of it. Nobody is THAT stupid. It’s absolute nonsense.

There are actually people this gullible so it is hard to tell

Well Im going to say this kindly - he’s being controlling because he doesn’t want the secret to get out. When he feels like he’s losing control he controls you.
I don’t know what to suggest. It’s never going to be enough for him no matter what you do because your existence is a threat to his cushty one. Other posters have given you ideas that could work.
the ex in prison too. I would kindly and with love say perhaps you need some time to focus on yourself? You deserve actually available. And neither of these men are

Not to be rude but I don’t know where you got that information from, yes they can carry out circumcision for non medical reasons and it certainly wasn’t done by someone unlicensed and untrained, I would never allow that to happen.

You sound so angry, stop taking it out on strangers online.

Op what is your background? Please don’t take offence but you come across as emotional immature and or having cripplingly low self esteem. Men don’t engage in affairs with emotionally healthy women as emotionally healthy women have clear boundaries and standards and would tell them to get in the bin. Emotionally mature well rounded women don’t engage in relationships with criminals and try to have babies with them and stay in touch while they are in prison. These men are exploiting you and you don’t seem to have noticed or even care?

You have produced a baby that is a ticking time bomb to this man, this baby could explode his entire life and destroy his marriage and his children’s lives and you are complicit in this. You seem to have ridiculously unrealistic expectations. Why would his siblings WANT to know their dad’s mistresses bastard? I was an affair baby and even though my dad married my mum and had my sister, our older siblings have never treated us with anything but standoffish contempt as they despise our mother.

I’ve also had an affair when I was a young adult, and stayed in touch with a criminal ex while he was incarcerated. But I was very emotionally stunted and couldn’t take personal responsibility for my shitty horrible actions. I’ve worked very hard through years of therapy to fix this and become a better person and I’ve been in a wonderful marriage with a very good man for 20 years. The best thing I did was walk away from my old life and my drug dealing ex and give my kids a chance at a normal stable life. You should try it.

Yes I have low self esteem, I should have never kept the baby but there is no going back now and I’m happy he is here.

I told him to leave me alone last night, because he was asking me 101 questions, as if I don’t know how to look after a baby.

He told me to carry on being rude to him if I want to end up as a single parent, I’m already a single parent.

What did he say when you reminded him you are a single parent?

Why the hell would you give your baby the last name of someone you aren't even in a relationship with?? Utter madness.
I wouldn't blame you for moving away. Don't block a relationship between your child and his father but you don't have to let him give his opinions on all your life choices.

What a car crash to bring a child into.

She can't! He's on the birth certificate!! She's given him all the control

How though? How could it be the 'right thing' to name your child for a man who is married to someone else and not for yourself?

Erm that's not true. You can have a baby circumcised privately by qualified doctors for religious reasons!

She can't do that! He's has PR

That poor child

You had unprotected sex... you both therefore DID plan this baby.

Why not just limit your contact with him? Why not just up and move and see if he tries to go to court for access... would he do that given he hasn't told his wife? Although realistically she probably already knows and you probably aren't his only woman on the side.

Is there a big age gap between you both by any chance?

Do your family know about the baby?

The poor child growing up as someone's bad secret.

Unfortunately, as he's on the birth certificate, he has a say in everything now. You can't change your son's name without dad's permission, he gets a say in where you live and can take you to court over it, he'll have a say in regards to medical issues, school choices, you taking your child abroad on holiday and everything else.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I was also a single parent but in different circumstances. You are where you are now, all you can do is try to build a healthier relationship with him. At least you're getting decent child support.....that surprises me to be honest! You might want to go through CMS though as he may use taking away the money as a threat at some point. Better to make it official even if it means you get a little less.

What a terrible time you're having, OP.

If I was in your position I would definitely move to somewhere that you'll have more support. You sound isolated and that's not a good position to be in with a baby.

If he wants to see the baby on a regular basis I would allow that but try to keep the visits short and in a public place that's not too far from you. Not in your home. I'm not confident you're actually safe. If you're living on an allowance it may feel you owe him something and I don't know how he would react if you were to meet someone else. If he has another family it will not be easy for him to visit you frequently when you've moved away. Although your son has a right to know his dad, he also has a right not to grow up feeling like a secret child who people are ashamed of. I think the best you can hope for is that the baby's dad does make the effort to travel to meet up on a rare but regular basis, even when he knows you've cut ties with him.

Have no more contact with your ex, ever.

Refuse the allowance and go through the courts for maintenance in the usual way.

There isn’t a big age gap between us, he is only one year older than me.

Of course my family knows about the baby and the whole situation.

Thanks for your support, it really means a lot.

I am not financially dependent on him, I have my own money and I could manage without him.

Well that's wonderful. And support should be what you can always count on from one mother to another.

You're quite right to be uncomfortable with control and I've learned the hard way that you can't change this situation. You can only remove yourself from it. You have lots of life still ahead of you. This person is wasting your time.

I feel you probably know this already but next time go for a nice guy who wouldn't cheat. Get some distance in place so you're independent and single and safe. You've got this xx

No I dobt agree. My sons father fid not deserve my son and I went to court to prevent access due to his controlling behaviour and I got sole access.
Move away. Cut ties completely.
If your son wants to know who his father is he can look for him when he has grown up.
I dont think your son wants to be his fathers dirty little secret.
My son has met his father. DS is 43 now and doesnt like him. He keeps him at arms length.

Change the baby’s last name to yours. The. Yes mi e if you want to

start standing up to him, when he says something about your clothes tell him you like how you dress and are not changing

SM, as long as your account is locked and shared only with immediate family use it for pictures if you wish, the reason he won’t want pics on there is so his wife does not find out

go to CMS and get maintenance and stop seeing the father

I will be keeping my sons surname the way it is, because that’s his father the same way I carry my fathers surname.

And also, his reasoning for me not to share pictures of the baby is not so his wife doesn’t find out, she doesn’t know me and I don’t know her.

I will not be going to the CMS neither.

I understand that you might be trying to help but what you’ve suggested isn’t helpful at all.

A) how is she supposed to change the name even if she wanted to?
B) she gets substantial financial support already, what would going to CMS achieve?!