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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

428 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:48

If you move away, could he still see the baby?

It seems you both want him to come round and see the baby and move away so he can’t criticise or try to control you.

SunnyRedSnail · 17/04/2026 18:54

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this whole situation is creepy.

You are the baby's mother. If you don't like the name then change it. And giving your child a surname that isn't yours and is the name of a bloke that is married to someone else is also creepy.

Change the baby's name to something you like. Change the surname to yours. Move to somewhere you have support.

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:57

Please tell me you are not still having sex with this man?

Moving to be near friends and family is a good plan.

Nighttimenoise · 17/04/2026 18:58

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:07

I've already been relocated by the authorities because of threats from my ex. I'm glad to be safe, but it feels really isolating around here.

If your ex was bad enough for you to have been moved, why on earth did you tell him about the baby, why are you even in contact with him?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 19:25

SunnyRedSnail · 17/04/2026 18:54

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this whole situation is creepy.

You are the baby's mother. If you don't like the name then change it. And giving your child a surname that isn't yours and is the name of a bloke that is married to someone else is also creepy.

Change the baby's name to something you like. Change the surname to yours. Move to somewhere you have support.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I do plan to move nearer to my family and friends.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 19:27

Nighttimenoise · 17/04/2026 18:58

If your ex was bad enough for you to have been moved, why on earth did you tell him about the baby, why are you even in contact with him?

If I hadn’t told him, he would've found out sooner or later. I am glad that I am free from him now.

OP posts:
paulhollywoodshairgel · 17/04/2026 19:30

Doesn’t his wife wonder where that money is going? He probably mistreats and controls her as well. Do you not want your baby to know his siblings? Sounds like a real mess and he sounds like a total prick.

Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 19:35

Tell the wife. Move away.

Nellietheolophant · 17/04/2026 19:40

Are you still sleeping with him?
Where does his wife think he is while he is with you?

Deadringer · 17/04/2026 19:41

Move back to your family and friends. If he objects tell him to fuck off or you will tell his wife. Get on with your life, take care of your baby, and keep away from shit men.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 20:15

paulhollywoodshairgel · 17/04/2026 19:30

Doesn’t his wife wonder where that money is going? He probably mistreats and controls her as well. Do you not want your baby to know his siblings? Sounds like a real mess and he sounds like a total prick.

I don’t know, and yes he probably does mistreat and control her. I would love for my baby to know his siblings.

I agree this is a mess and yes he is a total prick, I am seeing a whole different side to him now, I really didn’t know the real him, despite him telling me I know the real him.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 20:20

Nellietheolophant · 17/04/2026 19:40

Are you still sleeping with him?
Where does his wife think he is while he is with you?

No I am not sleeping with him, although I will always be sexually attracted to him.

A few nights ago, he said he wanted to stay the night, I told him no, and I don’t know where he thinks he is sleeping because this apartment is a one bedroom, and I only have one bed, he had the audacity to answer with you.

I will never regret having my son, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I do regret the way I went about it.

I am embarrassed by the whole situation, and as my child gets older it’s me that’s going to have to explain. Whilst his father gets to live the high life with his other family.

His other children are loved their grandparents and family members, and my son has to miss out on all of that, no one knows that he even exists.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 20:20

If you want him to see the baby, and you want the baby to know his siblings, it sounds as though you want to continue being quite bound up with him.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 20:22

I do want us to be on good terms, but he is just getting on my nerves.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 20:23

Just tell your family and go and see them.

I think you are hoping to stay with this man one way or another and he will be quite happy to use you for sex.

Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 20:56

You sound really young.

Go live near your family. You’ve gone from one abusive man to another one just in a Different way.

Now you’d hidden a dirty little secret butane this full control and he will keep chipping away till you sleep with him again. He will use funding you as his way to do it.

crazeekat · 17/04/2026 21:03

twll him to back off. Pure and simple. U have already given him way too much than he deserves. Tell him u are not his wife, and even if u were he has no right to tell u what to wear. Or do. Or say. Or anything else.
what exactly are you going to tell ur partner in jail?
get rid of both of them, and start looking after yourself and your baby. This time needs to have baby as priority. Tell dad if he doesn’t back off u will tell his wife.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 21:18

crazeekat · 17/04/2026 21:03

twll him to back off. Pure and simple. U have already given him way too much than he deserves. Tell him u are not his wife, and even if u were he has no right to tell u what to wear. Or do. Or say. Or anything else.
what exactly are you going to tell ur partner in jail?
get rid of both of them, and start looking after yourself and your baby. This time needs to have baby as priority. Tell dad if he doesn’t back off u will tell his wife.

I have already told my ex, I would never tell his wife, he is lucky that I am not the malicious type because I could ruin him if I really wanted to.

All I want him to do is to stop being controlling, I am perfectly capable of looking after my son and keeping him safe.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 21:20

Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 20:56

You sound really young.

Go live near your family. You’ve gone from one abusive man to another one just in a Different way.

Now you’d hidden a dirty little secret butane this full control and he will keep chipping away till you sleep with him again. He will use funding you as his way to do it.

I am pretty sure that this is not all about sex to him and he doesn’t just want to sleep with me, I know he can get it whenever he wants it.

I just want him to stop behaving this like this, I have cooperated with him, let him have his own way but it seems like that’s not enough for him.

OP posts:
Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 21:32

No it’s not just about sex and he is likely getting that from multiple places. It’s control.

His got you tucked away in a flat, giving your baby a name you don’t want, circumcising him, telling you what you can and can’t post is social media, telling you your clothes are wrong.

He will continue to try and control you more and more till your his perfect little hidden girlfriend at his call wearing what he wants, doing what he wants. A shell of yourself.

You have a choice, stand up and move and do as you wish or stay under his ever growing control as a secret.

Sobersally · 17/04/2026 22:52

Oh sweetheart you sound young and vulnerable. You need to take control back of your life and either cut this horrible man off and change your baby’s name on the birth certificate to something you love and with your last name! This is your little baby you are raising by yourself. Please get some counselling or find someone to talk to which will help you to get your strength back - women’s aid may be a good option to help you to see this man for who he really is (you’ll realise he is not attractive in the slightest!). If you do want your son to have his paternal family in his life then his wider family need to be made aware of his existence! Please use your friends and family for support and be honest about how you are feeling and things that have happened. Reach out to the health visitor for support too.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/04/2026 23:05

You've let this man walk all over you. Baby has a name he wanted, no link to you. You removed a part of your babies body for no reason other than he told you to (and because medical staff can't do it in the UK for non-medical reasons you most likely allowed it to be done by someone who was unlicensed and not medically trained).

You should have run long ago. You're going to have questions from your little boy to answer one day. Do you want your answers to be that you continued letting him walk all over you both or that you found strength to get away.

Pinkflamingo10 · 17/04/2026 23:16

Change your baby’s first name to whatever YOU want and give him YOUR last name. 100% move nearer your own family and friends.
this absolute shit of a man is starting with coercive control and who knows how much more abusive he will get ? Don’t stick around to find out.
Do you have a nice health visitor you could speak to ? Or you could contact women’s aid.

PollyBell · 17/04/2026 23:26

Your child has siblings they have the right to know and you will be tied to him forever thanks to choosing to have a child with him you need legal help and get some mental help so start with your gp and you cant keep your child safe if you keep on allowing yourself to be treated like this and the invetable cycle

So yes call this mean or anything else but use it as wake up call to get help and actually protect your child not just pretend too

Tuthbrush · 17/04/2026 23:32

Change the baby’s name and move